Son smoking weed

[tootie]

I am a confused parent and don't know what to do. my son is a sr in high school and refuses to stop smoking pot. he says it is recreational and isn't that big a deal. but it's making him lazy, and it really has affected his brain. I think he has been smoking it for at least 3 years. he has lost his job, becuase he didn't feel like going in, got into a bit of trouble as school. although he wants to do good in school and says he is trying, he still goes in late, skips class, gets detention, and he is moody when he isn't smoking it. I have him in counceling, once a week and is costing me a fortune, I don't mind paying it becuase I love my son and want to help him but he isn't wanting to stop. we got into another huge fight this weekend because he was higher than what I had ever seen him and told him to move out. I told him if he didn't stop he couldn't live at home. it's tearing my family apart, i don't know what to do, please give me some advice. and keep in mind, if I thought the pot wasn't effecting his behavior or school or job, I might pick a different battle and let it slide, but he has become a POTHEAD and I have even caught him selling it.

[FallenStar]

You can try and sit down with your son when he is in a good mood and not high at the moment. Tell him what you think is happening to him. Tell him how its been tearing apart the family, just because hes been getting high.

Show him some facts that he cannot argue with. "Before you started smoking weed, your grades were higher." Is something he will not be able to validly argue with.

I am for the legalization of weed, but there is a point at where people need to moderate their intake because it can effect your health in the long run.

[tootie]

thank you for your feedback. I have talked to him, I have printed out the facts about weed and the damages it's done. His school, councilor, and the dare officer have also talked to him. we have had several sit down conversations with him. and it's all good for about a day... he needs treatment. he is addicted. I do understand that people can smoke it and function. this is not the case, it has made him not care and lazy. I kicked him out and told him he couldn't come back until he wants to get help. he doesn't care about his family and what it's doing to us. he just wants to get high.

[Pelios]

I'm relly sorry to hear what's going on with your son, I can see how you have tried everything and it doesn't help but sometimes people need a real wake up call to make them understand. Turn him in to the police see if he learns his lesson if the cops scare him and tell him he can go to jail.
Good Luck. Tells us how it goes.

[mr_null]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through so much over this, however marijuana is not nearly as harmful as you seem to think. It does not damage brain cells, it doesn't impair your memory, and it is not addictive (no more than potato chips or surfing the internet).

Marijuana may or may not be the underlying problem here, as I know many personal friends who are high dawn to dusk and are extremely intelligent, productive, compassionate, active people. I also know many people who have never smoked pot regularly if at all who are lazy, apathetic, boring people.

Try to be there for your son, make sure you let him make his own decisions and try to give him enough space that he doesn't see you as overbearing or interfering, as that will absolutely sabotage any attempts you make to reach him.

Be weary of DARE and the government's opinions on marijuana, as their position is based on propaganda and lies and serves other agendas (prison-industrial complex, among others).

Information on marijuana:
[Edited by La Roux: Link removed.]
http://www.norml.org/index.cfm?Group_ID=3444

Fantastic movie on the drug war:
[Link removed. While the link was removed because of graphic images, feel free to do your own research and look into things.]

EDIT:

Turn him in to the police see if he learns his lesson if the cops scare him and tell him he can go to jail.

Please do NOT do that. Going to jail will do far more damage to your son than smoking marijuana ever could.

[Gidig]

Hey-

I will start off by saying my views may be biased as a teenager who smokes weed and has for a number of years. While weed isn't the best thing you could be doing, to be honest, it's not the worst. And people CAN function while under the influence of it. Smoking it doesn't mean you have to not graduate or do good things in life.

I'm trying to think of what helps me continue to think about my own use, and I feel like the way my parents have dealt with it has helped me. We talk about it fairly openly, and I'm completely aware of the pros and cons of smoking weed. I understand the risk I'm taking, and that's all anyone really can do for me. It's a rule that marijuana and anything related to it isn't allowed in my house. Since my parents have never forced me to not smoke, I don't feel like I need to resist against them or go behind their back, which means I have no problem of respecting their wishes when they do ask for something.

I can say telling him he has to stop won't help. Ask him if he thinks his counselor is helping or if there could be someone out there more suited to help with his own needs. Sometimes it takes many tries to find someone you can really click with and it's not uncommon to go through multiple counselors before you find someone helpful.

Hopefully I was somewhat helpful, feel free to PM me if you need anything.
Maria.

[eunoia]

If smoking is interfering with your son's life to a great extent, then something should be done about it. You're his mother, so I trust you know where the line is drawn. I hesitate to say he is an addict, but it is clear from what you've shared that he is misusing drugs.

"Tough love" only works to an extent. Enforcing a rule regarding no drugs in the house and punishing your son accordingly for breaking that rule may be a place to start, but more extreme reactions won't solve the issue, which is why I'm concerned that you've kicked him out. I understand from experience the emotional and financial burden that drug misuse can put on a family, but consider that your son's misuse of substances is a sign of something less apparent but more troubling. Your son sounds a lot like my uncle's son, whose substance misuse is a symptom, not the disease. It is literally a daily battle with that child (and I do mean child, he is thirteen), a battle that has caused a lot of pain for his family, but things are looking up. If you tackle the issue from the root cause there is no one beyond hope, and I think there are still many things you can try before you have to resort to removing your son from your life. He is your child, he is of you and he belongs to you; don't throw that away by giving up on him, because that will cause permanent damage. His misuse of marijuana can be a temporary issue, but if he knows you have given up, that is simply one less reason for him to try to change his behavior.

I hope you'll invite him back. I'm not suggesting you coddle him and let him get away with murder, but family plays a crucial role in the treatment of substance disorders. In fact, family is so vital to the successful treatment of dependencies and addictions that family therapy is a recommended and very useful tool. While your son needs individual help, as well, family therapy can address the needs of everyone affected by his misuse of weed. Is this something you have considered or tried?

Lay down the law. When he is sober, sit down with him and discuss the rules he must abide by and the correlating punishment for failing to follow them. Obviously your son is near adulthood, or he may even be a legal adult, so if he chooses to move out you cannot enforce these rules, but as long as he lives under your roof you can.

• Rule: You will not bring drugs, drug paraphernalia, or other substances into the house. You will not be high in this house. Consequence: The first time you are caught, we will search your room and remove and destroy anything we find. The second time, we will implement regular searches of your room. If you continue to bring drugs into the house, you will have to turn out your pockets and we will search every item you bring into the house. At this point, if necessary, you may have to find an after school activity to engage in until a parent is home to check your belongings. As a last resort, we will remove the door from your bedroom so that, at any time, we can check to make sure you are not smoking; you can hang a curtain for privacy.
• Rule: You will do your homework and go to school on time. Consequence: If you do not go to school on time or miss school for reasons we do not approve of, the truancy officer will be called. If you continue to be tardy or skip, you will be given a ride to school every day and can do your homework in the library until you can be picked up. If you continue to do poorly in school, you will do your homework every night where I can see you working.
• Rule: We will go to family therapy and you will go to individual therapy until such a time as we all agree it is no longer necessary. If at any time you are unhappy with your therapist, you will continue to see them until we find a new one.

I wish you and your family the best of luck. Substance misuse is a complex but treatable problem. It can tear families apart, but it doesn't have to.

[tootie]

thank you all for the feedback. not for sure where you pot smokers got your info but pot is addicting and does cause harm.
but anyway, I do agree about being there for him. As I am. I am 37 years old and alot of people my age are still pot smokers and drug addicts and didn't go anywhere in life, 1 of the reasons....their parents didn't acknowledge or do anything about what was going on. the more and more I read, i'm not confused. I don't feel bad kicking him out, this has been going on for over a year, and we have done EVERYTHING, to try and help, and I have let him know I will always love and be there for him, but if he can't follow my rules, then he can't stay. he has brought pot into my house at least 5 times that we have caught him, on yea and by the way I have a 20 mnth old at home too, who adores his brother. he has been caught by the police with it twice, kicked out of school for 10 days because his anger has gotten worse, becuase when he isn't high...he is angry and crabby and doesn't know how to handle his anger becuase he has always masked it with getting high.
thank you all for the feedback.