Ive never felt so hopeless...

[thegirlnextdoor89]

I started drinking and using 6 years ago, when I was 15. Ive been able to stop for short periods of time, but can never kick it for good. I went into AA a little over a year ago and got 6 months sober right off the bat. Then shit hit the fan and my sponsor and friends from the program turned on me and wouldnt talk to me. I moved to a different state 4 months ago and things were good for awhile. I switched to NA, got a job, got a horse, got a boyfriend, got a sponsor, and got some clean time. Then things fell apart. I lost my job right before Thanksgiving, and I may lose my horse. I cant use drugs since I'm looking for a job, but I started drinking again. It was only gonna be for a little awhile, until I felt better. But within 1 month I have gone through bottles upon bottles and spent hundreds of dollars that I dont have. I started stealing from my parents to support my habit and lying to everyone around me to protect my secret. It's gotten to the point where I drink with my RX meds and pass out every single night. Ive been passing out before turning off the heaters in my room on my bed that i have on before bed, which could very easily set my room on fire. My mom has been getting up in the middle of the night all worried about me, and she has to turn the heaters off because she cant wake me up. I dont know what to tell her. She doesnt know that I drink still. Theres major blowouts whenever she finds out. Only 1 person knows that ive fallen this far back into my addiction. She knows. She KNOWS. SHE KNOWS! I tell her! And she just. doesnt. care. I dont understand. I listen to people if they have a problem. Im there if they're hurting. But when Im feeling this hopeless, the only thing that I can count on to always be there is my addiction. Drugs dont let me down. I am so sad, so lifeless. Using isnt fun. It is work to keep it up. But I keep it up, because it's the only time I'm remotely okay. I just HATE this. I don't know what to do anymore..i feel so fucking alone because I cant tell anyone. People think that i'm okay. Im worried that I'd end up even more alone...

[Cabron]

Hey, Jen. <3 I hope you're okay.
This too shall pass. Everything does, eventually. There's no feasible way you can go through the rest of your life like this. Above all, you need to tell someone. Anyone. Someone who can help you get out of this. It sounds like maybe you would benefit from going to a rehab facility. You want to stop--that's the first step. You've recognized that you have a problem. You aren't in denial. I'm so glad you took the step to reach out and make a thread here. You aren't alone. There are millions of people struggling with addictions. I bet you my first born child that there's someone out there feeling the exact same way you do, and using the same methods to cope. Going to a rehab facility or attending AA meetings will help you to connect with those people. When you have the support of people who know exactly what you're feeling, it will make things easier and make quitting seem like a less lofty goal. Shoot me a PM if you need to talk. <3 Keep your chin up, sweetie. Things will get better.