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justme1119 Offline
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depression and substance abuse a nasty cycle.... - December 29th 2011, 10:48 PM

well to start I got hooked on drinking was when I was 9. Yes 9 years young. My mom's bf would get me drunk and sexually abuse me. Those 2 years I really didn't have a choice and when I left and lived with my dad. I kept up the habits. I started drinking and cutting on my own. I started drinking and using drugs a little while after. Mainly at first I just found these pills my dad had in his medicine cabinet. I took the codeine most of the time. I started smoking and some other stuff not really matters all the stuff I did. But it started at around 12. Well it's like now I go into deep depressions where I need to be self-destructive. With every break up argument anything negative just triggers things and puts me vulnerable to drink excessively. Like 2 years ago I tried to quit but the 3 weeks later my dad and I got in an argument and called me too dumb to save myself. And I felt so low like it was true and I just felt all like I didn't care I just wanted to drown things out. Or like a year ago I tried to quit 3 months and my ex had dumped me and said he was only with me for the sex that I could ne ver be a serious bf and that time I became suicidal. I felt like without him I was everything he said I was. I looked up to him and eventually after the attempt I still felt deeply broken and when I'm using or abusing my drug of choice I don't feel like that person anymore and so it only seems like I get worse sober. And I don't like admiting to T I don't want to seem like I'm failing. Anyway I've tried to stop using I used in november again another bad time. I was supposed to stop earlier because I got an acquaintance pregnant and I wanted to be a better person though it made me depressed sometimes. It actually has been a motivater. With my now ex who completely took advantage of me while I was intoxicated he's like harassed and everything going to school is with the drama invlved with him etc. I also feel depression getting worst because of my life is stressful right and it's only been a few weeks but I feel like I wish I were using again. But I know I shouldn't I don't know how to deal normally I just don't. I'm frustrated because I've never really admitted that I couldn't quit if I ever wanted to.

Last edited by justme1119; December 30th 2011 at 10:45 PM.
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Ryan1 Offline
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Re: depression and substance abuse a nasty cycle.... - December 30th 2011, 07:38 PM

Hi there, its a shame you had to go through all this at such a young age. In life we are all faced with issues its how we deal with them that shape our character and either make us stronger as people or weaker. In cases where your father was being sexually abusive thats something that can't be left alone. A lot of scum like him work with intimidation, you need to stand up for yourself whether that be to tell a teacher about your situation or a police authority.

Being just 14 and having all these nightmares come to life is scary and something I personally wish I could change for you. however you need to be your own hero and stand up for yourself to these toxic people around you. From what I can tell those people would be your ex boyfriend (thank god hes your ex) your father and anyone that genuinely puts you down. I know its hard but life has an interesting route for everyone and you will see better days.

Drinking is just another toxic ingredient to misery, depression and drinking go hand-in-hand one complements the other. I strongly suggest you try your very best to stay clear of that substance and any others that may come your way. Sadly life is rough for you right now but that will change you just have to consciously think about the choices you make and the people you associate yourself with. Some women are more vulnerable then others because they allow themselves to be so dependant on the person they are dating. This is not good because dating will always end in a break up, granted you will get married once, but the statistics show that you'll have to meet a lot of people before you meet that one.

I suggest before you get yourself into another relationship your able to stand on your own two feet, that way the fall isn't so hard. Learn from everything that's happened and know that guys will try to use you for sex, if it happens again then you should know better, right?
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Re: depression and substance abuse a nasty cycle.... - December 30th 2011, 11:24 PM

my dad never abused me really. He's always more ignored me. My mom's bf isn't my dad although he's my half-brother's father just not mine. I didn't tell because I felt no one would sympathize and by the time I told about the abuse just physical and it got me here at my dad's.

yes I know I have to be emotionally strong and that's so hard to do I don't feel I have the foundation but I got to get it from somewhere. But I don't know where that is. I always feel incredibly like on empty I guess I never took enough time to try to be something without it. It's hard to avoid certain people when they're so entwined in my life.
I'm not a girl and idc about guys I'm done with shitty relarionships. I'm focused on more important stuff.

really thanks for the words of encouragement thanks a million for the advice .
I wasn't clear about a lot of stuff. I realize.
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