Friends, grudges and drama...

[Kumagoro]

When I started uni, a group of us met online and made friends. Then some people fell out over a relationship issue, and a general hatred for a group of friends (even though we don't think of ourselves as a clique). One guy - one of my best friends - decided to leave the group altogether, and he only talks to me. He avoids everyone else like the plague. And we agreed that I could be friends with him and I could be friends with the group, and it wouldn't cause any problems.

Except it has. If I make plans to go and see him, and we bump into my other friends, he just leaves. My friends will wave at us from across the street and he'll run away. If I go after him, he says, "I don't think we should hang out anymore, I'm making things difficult for you". Which, admittedly, it is difficult, but that doesn't mean I don't want to see him. I want to see him and I want to see the others, and I don't want him to be so childish about it. (I can't exactly tell him that because he'll flip out.)

A lot of people have been saying that he's not worth the time of day, that a good friend wouldn't storm off and then suggest never seeing me again. But I can't just cut him out of my life because he means a lot to me. When we're alone we have the best conversations and play silly games and it's wonderful. We just can't involve the others, and that makes things really hard. I mean, if one of my friends waves at me he gets in a huff. He has explicitly stated that he's never going back and never forgiving them (for not taking his side during the petty fall-out) and I just don't know how to handle this friendship anymore. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to tolerate his attitude either. And I can't believe he said we should stop hanging out. He's likely to say that again if it carries on like this. It's really hurting me right now.

[Avalon]

I don't know if you can do this without him getting upset but can you ask him what would help? Like "I see it is hard for you with these people but I really like to hang out with you! When we bump into them what would help you?" Maybe there is a way for him to get okay with it, like you have a code phrase where he can leave and you know it is okay between you, or if you make it clear you are enjoy time with him in front of them he will feel more secure.

[Chris.]

Communication is key. He cant read your mind; and nor can you read his. So if neither of you communicate, then the friendship WILL fail. Even though you think he would flip out, I think its time you talked to him and tell him basically all that you told us. If you feel you cant do it face-to-face (because he may walk off), then write a long letter. Don't leave anything unturned. The key to not having him walk off, or quit putting effort into the friendship is not ambushing him. Don't use 'you' words to much, When a person keeps hearing "you did this, you do this, you are acting like a kid, YOU, YOU, YOU", they are much more likely to turn on you. Instead, say things like: I feel that sometimes things get out of hand. I want to improve our communication, and our friendship, and not have us act like kids. I want to continue to be friends with you, and I am willing to arrange things around so that it is comfortable for the both of us, but it takes effort from the BOTH of us.

See, with using 'YOU' its more of an ambush. With using 'I', 'we', 'us', its more of a team effort and doesn't come off as a attack. So while you have to change your wording around alittle, you are still covering the main points, and attempting to build up a strong friendship with communication.

The fact of the matter is, if you don't communicate, either the friendship will fail with no one there to care enough to hold it up, or you will end up exploding on him, which will probably lead to the friendship coming to an end. While confrontation and communcation is scary, it is necessary.



Best wishes,
Chris