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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Torn between two friends - September 1st 2012, 11:56 PM

I'm sorry I keep postig so much in this section, but recently it's been like one problem with friends after another.

My friend Rachel on facebook wants me to get rid of my other friend on facebook, Marie. She says that she get's really bad vibes from her and that she'll end up hurting me later. I'm not sure but I think all of this came about because Marie has been tagging me in a lot of posts lately. Anyway, Rachel keeps saying that Marie is trying to take me away from her, but she doesn't even know Marie.

Lately Rachel has been wanting me to tell her that she's the most important person in my life, and that she's even more important than my mom. But she's not, and I refuse to tell her that. She keeps saying how she's the number one friend and how she can't be replaced so she isn't worried. But, if she isn't worried why is she constantly bugging me about Marie?

It's starting to really bother me and I don't want to upset her, but I want to keep being friends with Marie. I just don't get why she doesn't like her, (she used to be friends with her in 7th grade-its the same girl, just with a different user name)
This is the message she sent me on facebook, "TOLD YOU SHE WANTED TO STEAL YOU FROM ME HA I KNEW IT IT ALL PLAYED OUT LIKE I FELT GO LOOK AT THAT STATUS I TAGGED YOU IN SHE COMMENTED ON IT REMEMBER WHEN I WAS SAYING IT WAS MY TURN GET RID OF HER OR IMA BOUT TO TELL THIS CHICK OFF SERIOUSLY ITS HARD TO CONTROL!!!
I WAS RIGHT SHES OBESSED OVER YOU I JUST LOOL=KED AT HER STUFF YOURE TAGGED IN ALL OF IT SHE IS JEALOUS OF US SHES NOT TAKING YOU FROM ME SO SHE NEEDS TO GET THE STEPPIN JS sorry if im coming on to strong and pushy but she commented on my stuff so when you do it make sure she gets the picture clearly youre done being her friend cause its only gonna lead to problems for YOU in the future"


It's disturbing. I told her i was going to talk to her, not unfriend her. I just don't know how to approach this situation. Please help me


   
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Re: Torn between two friends - September 4th 2012, 11:33 PM

Are you familiar with projection? Sometimes, when we feel something, we try to deny it by projecting it onto others. For example, if we're jealous of our boyfriend/girlfriend, but we don't want to admit it, we may end up viewing our boyfriend/girlfriend as the jealous one. It's a bit more complicated than that, but you get the idea. Basically, it's highly likely that Marie isn't the obsessive friend - Rachel is. Her way of coping with these obsessive thoughts is to make Marie seem like the "bad" friend, when it reality, it's Rachel who's displaying the inappropriate behavior.

How you want to deal with this is up to you... but it sounds like Rachel is causing more stress/negativity than joy/positivity. If I were in your shoes, I would have a conversation with her and even include some of these quotes. Rachel will most likely deny everything you have to say about her being the obsessive friend in this situation, but at least you can get everything out in the open and give her a chance to turn things around. If she refuses, then it may be best to limit your interactions with her, so that you can be happy and put more effort into healthy friendships. If Rachel is willing to listen, show her kindness/sympathy, but set firm guidelines (comments about Marie need to be kept to a minimum, Rachel needs to bring more positivity to the friendship, she needs to acknowledge this isn't a "competition" for your love, etc.).

If Rachel begins to frighten you, as in you feel like she might do something to hurt you, hurt Marie/your loved ones, or hurt herself, then please don't hesitate to tell a trusted adult. Sometimes, obsessive people can begin to stalk their "victims" or make threats against their lives. If that happens, you'll need to take the necessary steps to protect yourself, others, and/or Rachel (if she's threatening to hurt herself unless you stop being friends with Marie/say that she's the most important person in your life/etc.).

Good luck, and please don't hesitate to keep us updated!






   
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