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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
VeggieFiend Offline
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Exclamation Getting tired of mum... - September 2nd 2012, 10:03 PM

Mum doesn't treat me like an adult even though I'm 19, and she uses me as an emotional punchbag when she's in pain.

Mum has fibromyalgia and lower back pain, and she is pain almost all the time. I wish I could do more to help her, but I can't. She hasn't been to see the doctor about her pain recently and she needs to. I admit, I need to do more around the house, and I have started to put that plan into action, because she needs help clearing up.

I want to be there for her, but she gets moany about the littlest things these days and she can be very negative. I am a naturally cheerful, happy person and I get upset when she makes comments. For example, earlier on, I was typing on my laptop, she was doing the ironing and the tv was on. She made a comment about a makeup advert, but I wasn't watching it so I asked her "What?" and she said "Doesn't matter. Just go back in your own world, never mind about speaking to me." She wasn't saying anything to me before the advert.
There was one day, when she came home from work, I had tidied up the living room and kitchen, cleaned out the pet cages and vacuumed up. I thought that would keep her happy that I'd done those things, but when she stepped in the door, she noticed that I hadn't put the washing out to dry. I hadn't noticed it because it was still in the washing machine. She then went on to say something like "Thanks, I have to come home from work, when I'm tired, to do more work here! You must think I'm your personal maid and you just leave everything for me to do!" She's used that line a few times.
When she's like this I go to my room to get away for a while, because I know she's in a bad mood. I sometimes get a bit upset. If I do this, she sometimes comes into my room and starts getting upset/yelling about how I never spend time with her. I would if she'd stop taking out her pain on me!

She's been making a lot more rules for me recently. I hoped when I turned 18 that I would have less rules, but I've gotten more. Recently, I've been staying up late (a bit too late I admit...) but she's telling me when to go to bed, and when to come home from my boyfriend's house. Yes, I mean TELLING not suggesting. I know she means the best, and wants me to get the sleep I need, but I wish she would trust me to choose my own bedtime, and allow me more freedom. I feel like I'm 15 again.
If I sit up late (I know I shouldn't but who doesn't at 19?), and I go on my laptop, she'll come in if she catches me, looks at me in a stern face and says "Bed. NOW." as if I'm a child. Once, she actually threatened to ground me, and take away my laptop. She said "It is 2am, put down the laptop and go to SLEEP! I'll take that laptop away from you, I don't care if you bought it or not!" I stayed up because I was hungry and wasn't tired.

Please don't think bad of me. I have literally NEVER answered her back or argued with her when she yells at me. Never in my life. I always follow the rules, I get good grades and I try to be a good daughter. If she yells at me, I never say anything, even if she was wrong about what she was accusing me of. I just go to my room to be angry/upset by myself.
Staying up late is pretty much the only thing I do that I'm "not supposed to". I never even rebelled as a teenager.

Basically, I just wish that she wouldn't take out her pain on me by yelling all the time. I would spend more time with her if she stopped, then we'd both be happy.
I also wanna be able to make my own choices. She's controlling when I can see my boyfriend, when I go to sleep, even what I do sometimes. I just want to start my adult life now, and I can't do that if I'm now even allowed to choose my own schedule. I plan on moving out next year, and I just want to prove to her that I'll be okay on my own.
Whenever she isn't moany/unreasonable, we get along fine. We are even going to Disneyland Paris in November.

Please help, because I find it hard to talk to her about these things: I usually just back down and does what she says.

Thanks for any advice!
   
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Re: Getting tired of mum... - September 2nd 2012, 10:54 PM

I think the best way to deal with this is communication.

Seriously, sit down with her and talk.
Say how you get upset, how you're trying to help her as much as you can, and how you'd appreciate a little more freedom and that it might be nice if she was a little more positive for a change.
Naturally, have tact and - almost as importantly - make sure that you say it in the right tone of voice.

Also, try offering to do stuff for her. By that I mean not only doing things that she's otherwise do, but actually make a big point of asking if she might like you to do the job for her. That way, she definitely knows that you're helping.
We're not all perfect, sometimes she might overlook what you've done to help and only see what more you could do.

As far as sleeping goes, take her advice. I know you want freedom, but from personal experience, I can tell you that forcing yourself up late will not help at all.
I have now got insomnia because of trying to stay up late (and succeeding!) because now I can't get to sleep if I want to until I'm physically and mentally exhausted. Which means I can only have a few hours sleep or I don't sleep the next night. Etc.

Best of luck.


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Re: Getting tired of mum... - September 5th 2012, 12:51 AM

Like the previous poster said, you need to communicate with your mom. I was in a similar position when I was a teenager. When my mom started yelling, I didn't argue with her, and I just held everything in until I could be alone in my room. The problem is that you're not actually letting your mom know how upset this is making you, and you're not showing her how things can be better between the two of you. You're essentially avoiding the problem, and that needs to change.

If your mom's behavior becomes worse after trying to communicate with her, then you may want to consider moving out sooner vs. later. My relationship with my mom was TERRIBLE, and it became even worse immediately after I moved out. She HATED that she couldn't control me anymore. After a year or so passed, though, she realized she would need to treat me differently if she wanted to have a relationship with me. It worked. Things are still a little weird between us, but five years after moving out, I can say our relationship is the best it's been since... I don't know... my early childhood? =P

So in a nutshell: communicate, and take charge of your life. You don't need to be mean toward your mom, but you DO need to be assertive, and you may need to be your own advocate. If she won't treat you right, you'll need to find a way to be happy despite that. The good news is that you're not alone: it sounds like you have a boyfriend who is supportive, and I'll bet you have friends and other resources at your disposal as well. =)






   
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Re: Getting tired of mum... - September 17th 2012, 08:53 PM

It's nice to know someone was in a similar situation, so thank you for that great reply.

I'm just gonna have to find the courage to talk to her. Just don't know how to start that conversation lol!

Yeah, my boyfriend is great, he's supportive and has said the similar things. I'm glad to have him there
   
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Re: Getting tired of mum... - September 17th 2012, 09:13 PM

Starting the conversation all depends on you and your mum - you'll have to decide.

But being really transparent from the beginning is good, so you could try something along the lines of, "hey...there's something really important I want to talk to you about...etc"


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