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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Unhappy dad wont acept me - October 31st 2012, 04:15 AM

i dont know why its so hard for my dad to realise im not him and i dont wanna be like him its just hard to talk to each other its like we dont connect i love him and he loves me but he wont accept me y is this how do i change this
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Re: dad wont acept me - October 31st 2012, 10:37 AM

I have moved this to Friends & Family because this seems like a question that you may get better answers to here.

I think that one thing you can do is sit down and speak to him about this. Remember to stay calm when talking to him, since anger won't get anyone anywhere. If one of you does get angry, take a step back and let things cool off before continuing. Let him know that you know he does care, and then state what you feel is going on. Maybe he doesn't even realize what he is doing, or the impact that it is having. So, try and be honest with him about it and see where that takes you! You can also do this in the form of a letter, if it helps take the nerves out of it.

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Re: dad wont acept me - October 31st 2012, 06:00 PM

Welcome to adolescence/young adulthood! This is a time when you will begin to assert your independence from your parents, both physically (ex. driving, moving out) and mentally (ex. pursuing different interests, developing different beliefs). Some parents are more supportive of this than others. In my case, my father had a difficult time "letting go." I believe he saw me as an extension of himself. He felt that I should think the same way, act the same way, and place value on the same things as him. He wanted me to focus on an engineering career (or something else that would pay well) - I wanted to be a therapist (which can pay well, depending on what you do). He wanted me to put all my time and effort into studying - I wanted a balance of studying and socializing.

The list could go on and on AND ON, but the bottom-line is that I eventually said, "no," and told him I wasn't going to be a clone, that I was going to make my own decisions and live with the consequences of not doing things "his way" (he had this idea that "his way" was the only "right way"). He didn't take it well, and we didn't really talk for a while as a result... but with time, as he saw me become successful as a student and therapist in training, he began to "let go." He's still very opinionated/pushy about some things, but I just hold my ground and politely (but firmly) tell him that I am not going to change my mind simply because he disagrees with me.

Now, there's a difference between what I just described, and doing something that is potentially harmful/dangerous. If you are doing drugs, getting poor grades, hanging out with "the wrong people," etc., then don't expect your father to accept that. He'll want to protect you from the potential consequences of your actions! Also, keep in mind that I said, "no," to my dad when I was 22 years old. I was an adult, capable of being self-sufficient and financially independent. At 14 years old, you won't hold the same weight against your father as I did with mine. Recognize that some things will simply be unattainable until you're 17/18 years old. Your father is still your primary caregiver, and until you've reached a point where you can care for yourself, he will still have some control over you. Hopefully, you two can still reach compromises despite that!

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