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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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FishytheFish Offline
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Does this count? - June 10th 2013, 11:02 AM

Does this count as child abuse?

So my mum is very controlling, we were going somewhere and I asked if I could stay home and she said (actual quote) "You don't have any say in this". She makes up strict rules to my computer usage (A little of this I can take but she gets really strict with it).

My mum also uses Chores as a punishment or a way to vent her anger onto my brother and I. If she's annoyed, it doesn't even have to be at me, she'll demand me to do some type of work and if where, fore example, the broom is she'll snap "Use your eyes" or "Find it yourself at me.

She acts like we all owe her a big favour and a lot of the time treats us like dog shit, even my dad. If I do one part of a chore wrong she'll get really angry at me and either rant at me forever or hit me. One time this happened she was continuing to point out the grease on the pan and it was hard to clean it with her hand in the way so I brushed her away gently and she retaliated by shoving me, using her whole body weight, into the washing up. She'll also rant at me for ages, pointing out every imperfection about me.

Everyone tells me to talk to her but I can't, she'll either tell me how easy my life is or spin it like she's the victim. And if I try to talk to her about that she'll do the same thing. I literally can't talk to her about anything, my friends know more about me than her.

My friends are really nice and understanding about my mum but I feel really bad telling them because I've told them so many times before. I can't tell my dad either because he'll either be on my mum's side or he won't have any power to do anything and my brother's four years younger than me and he pretty much hates me.

I really want to move out and get away from my mother but the legal age is 16 and I don't think I can make it that far because my mum seems to be getting worse and worse each day. I want to be an actress when I grow up but I'm betting that I'll have to do more chores to 'pay her back for the privilege' which is what I have to do for everything else including going to and buying friends birthday presents. Also my mum doesn't act any different around my friends and I'm betting if I didn't have as brilliant friends as I do she would scare them all off.

I'm really sorry if it's like I'm whining but I really just want to talk to someone because I feel bad about dumping all my problems on my friends.

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Re: Does this count? - June 10th 2013, 11:43 AM

It's not really abuse, but it's bad parenting though

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Re: Does this count? - June 10th 2013, 10:16 PM

Everyone has problems with their parents. It's not abuse, but it is obviously making you uncomfortable in your own home which is never a good thing.
Nothing will change if you don't talk to her about it, I know you said you can't but that really is the only way. Maybe you could write her a letter and leave it somewhere where she'll see it? Or you could try to arrange a safe environment (maybe a restaurant or somewhere else public so she can't overreact) and a set amount of time for the both of you to sit down and just talk things through.

Try to think of things from your mom's point of view though. Maybe she doesn't know she's being so hard on you, or she's just really stressed and doesn't know a more healthy way to deal with it all? Maybe she needs someone to talk to as much as you do and neither of you know it? You'll never know if you don't talk to her about it.
I know it's hard but it really is the only way to solve this problem.

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Re: Does this count? - June 11th 2013, 06:54 PM

The strict rules for computer use and using chores as punishment are not abuse, the hitting and shoving is inappropriate, but I'm not sure if it's to the level of abuse. You can still tell someone about it if you think it is, but it's hard to tell from this. Based just on what's written here it sounds like she and/or your family could benefit from some professional help. Even if she doesn't want to go, you can or the rest of your family can and that could help you learn how to deal with her even if she chooses not to participate.

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