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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Is my friend using me? - June 12th 2013, 06:40 AM

I'm really confused. I think my friend, Joy, is using me to get close to a guy.
Anyway, a couple of years ago there as this boy Jed, who had a big crush on a girl named Alicia. Joy would always tease them, and then she became best friends with Alicia. They were attached at the hip, and I'm sure they told each other everything. It was to the point where Joy would see Alicia, and basically glomp her, then they would walk off and ignore the rest of us. (Alicia is homeschooled too, so I don't think she had a really close friend until Joy came along) Except Jed. Jed would hang out around Alicia's house and do manual labor just so he could be around her, and we all thought it was adorable. Joy would go and hang out at Alicia's house too, but then she started flirting with Jed. While still teasing Alicia about him. And then things came to a climax when Jed moved. He told everyone where he moved to that Alicia was his girlfriend. Alicia's parents freaked, and Alicia was not ready for that kind of commitment. When she told Jed, he started using Joy to try and make Alicia jealous. He would flirt with her and she would soak it up. But then he would glance at Alicia so it was super obvious what he was doing. (He is now a huge jerk and getting jerkier by the day) But what I never understood was that Joy would flirt with Jed when she was Alicia's best friend... I mean, there's gotta be something like the bro-code here, right?
So now I just realized that she might be doing the same thing to me. Curtis is my best guy friend. We are in the same homeschool basketball crew, we talk all the time, he pretty much lives at my house, heck, we even went to prom together! (As friends, I asked him. Its actually kind of a joke between us. When we were younger he said that no boy would ever take me to prom. And look where that got him! ;P ) So after Jed left, Joy had this brief stint where she flirted with Joe, (Curtis' best friend) but he didn't go to our church and we rarely saw him. I personally think that Joy scared the poor homeschooler. And as time went on Joy started hanging out with Alicia less and less. After Jed moved, I was Curtis' only good friend at our church, so he started hanging out with the girls because lets be honest, homeschool social skills + shyness = not good at making new friends. Then Joy started wanting to hang out with me more. But when we are at my house, she's always on facebook talking to Curtis. (She doesn't have internet at home) And then she starts flirting with him in real life. And now Alicia is basically swept under the rug and I'm Joy's bff or something... Plus whenever Curtis comes over, if she can, Joy just kinda invites herself over. And I'm finding that when I'm hanging out with Curtis she's more likely to hang out with me. So now they are sorta friends and they email quite a bit. Most recently, Joy has started to become a bit hostile towards me. She's putting me down a lot when we are in public. She's actually the one that told everyone that I was afraid of spiders. I nearly had a panic attack when everyone was laughing that big tough Breeze was afraid of itty bitty spiders. But in-between these episodes she's really nice, and even apologizes sometimes.
So was/is she just using me to get close to Curtis? Was she ever really my friend? Is this just me being paranoid? I'm really confused....


I am home schooled and proud of it! No, I do not like skirts. Yes, I have a social life. I'm conservative and I wear a purity ring. I am dead set on saving my first kiss for my wedding day. If you want to tell me that saving my kiss is impossible, STUFF IT.
   
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Re: Is my friend using me? - June 17th 2013, 12:40 AM

I don't know what your friend's motives are. Maybe she's also socially awkward or inexperienced, and her behavior is a result of that awkwardness or inexperience. Maybe she really is using you, or maybe she's just self-absorbed and doesn't fully realize what she is doing. If you don't like how things are going, I suggest finding a direct (but non-confrontational) way to address this behavior with your friend. You may have heard of the "I" statement, which is a nice way to accomplish this goal. For example, you could say, "When you say _______ when we are out in public, I feel _______." This avoids statements such as, "you're a jerk," and puts the focus on how you feel as a result of what she does. This gives her the chance to acknowledge how you feel, and to change her behavior so your friendship can become stronger. If she reacts in a hostile manner, or she doesn't seem to care about how you feel, then it may be best to start distancing yourself from this person.






   
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Re: Is my friend using me? - June 20th 2013, 12:06 AM

Thanks for the advice! We went on a walk and I asked her about her motives and I'm pretty sure she was being honest with me and now I think we'll be better friends again!


I am home schooled and proud of it! No, I do not like skirts. Yes, I have a social life. I'm conservative and I wear a purity ring. I am dead set on saving my first kiss for my wedding day. If you want to tell me that saving my kiss is impossible, STUFF IT.
   
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