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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Unhappy my mom is going to bars and I think she is looking to have an affair. - July 21st 2013, 01:08 AM

My mom has recently decided she likes the bar scene all of a sudden and has been going out to bars with her "friends" at least once a week now. I personally believe she is doing this because she pretends her marriage with my father (26 years) doesn't even exist anymore (she has even gathered my siblings and I infront of my father and declared this). she has told me, " I don't think he loves me anymore" after a pretty vicious argument one night. our family has been like this for 7 or 8 years now and i think my mom has finally cracked under the pressure. and on top of that, her mood has completely changed since she has been going out to these bars. I think it might be due to the fact she might be going through a mid-life-crisis.

I don't really know what to do or if i should just let the situation try to fix itself. this is also my first time posting on this site and i don't know if iv'e supplied you guys with enough information. hopefully you can try to help me figure this out.
   
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Re: my mom is going to bars and I think she is looking to have an affair. - July 21st 2013, 01:12 AM

I think it would be very brave if you told your mom how what she's doing is affecting you and maybe she'll see sense. But ultimately it's not your problem to fix. it's not fair what she's doing but i don't think there's anything you can do to help other than tell her you need her to stop.


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Question Re: my mom is going to bars and I think she is looking to have an affair. - July 21st 2013, 01:23 AM

thank you for the fast response. Iv'e been thinking about confronting her about this issue but, i haven't gained the confidence. I come up with two ways of confronting her with this issue. I could confront her personally and ask her why is she doing this. Or I could have her mother(nicest lady in the world and is my grandmother) confront her with the issue. only problem with that solution is i don't think my grandmother is even aware of my parents marriage situation (even though she lives in my basement). so I could lay the burden on my nice grandmother to deal with this, or i could personally confront my mom (or i could proceed with both)

what do you think?
   
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Re: my mom is going to bars and I think she is looking to have an affair. - July 21st 2013, 01:32 AM

I think both options are a good idea. I think your grandmother would really want to hear that her grandson is in trouble but i understand your reticence. maybe you could go yourself and if that doesn't work tell your grandmother.


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Thumbs up Re: my mom is going to bars and I think she is looking to have an affair. - July 21st 2013, 01:38 AM

thank you so much for replying. I think I have the confidence to actually go through with it now! only problem is that she's at a bar right now and this plan will have to wait a day or two because when she gets home my dad is going to pissed off. other than that, thank you for the help. I never actually imagined I was going to receive helpful advice. I definitely will come back to this website if I have any other problems!
   
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Re: my mom is going to bars and I think she is looking to have an affair. - July 21st 2013, 01:47 AM

Good we're always here to help.


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Re: my mom is going to bars and I think she is looking to have an affair. - July 21st 2013, 04:09 PM

I finally told her that it makes me feel uncomfortable that she is going out to bars. she told me honestly that she goes to the bars because she loves to dance and,she likes to go with her friend who is getting intimate with one of the band members. my mother told me that she is strictly looking for a good time and no relationship or fun with guys. actually what happened was that she just came to me a few minutes ago and asked me what should she do about our family and her relationship with my father because she was to scared to ask him. the reason she asked me was because last night my father threw a fit and broke a lot of things in the house. this was completely uncalled for and he had never done something like this before. he has confronted her about the bar subject once (last week) and he still believes she only goes to find another man. he verbally abused my mother, and i hope i never see my father like that ever again.

I really don't think there is any solution to the relationship problem but for them to divorce or live separately. only problem with separating is who gets the house and kids and, who hits the road is that, is that neither of them will step up to the plate without being forced. this is due to the fact that when they first got married and decided they wanted to live in there own house, they dedicated their lives to working for the money (300,000 dollar worth) to build this majestic house i live in today. my father personally designed the house and built it strictly with family members. my mother and dad's lives were basically built around this house and i know neither of them will leave without a fight.

i don't know who is right or wrong or whose side i should be supporting or if i need to support a side at all. I don't know if i'm asking you for to much but could you please give your opinion on what should happen, or if i need to be consulting somebody else for help.
   
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Re: my mom is going to bars and I think she is looking to have an affair. - July 21st 2013, 05:36 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by jeremys
i don't know who is right or wrong or whose side i should be supporting or if i need to support a side at all. I don't know if i'm asking you for to much but could you please give your opinion on what should happen, or if i need to be consulting somebody else for help.
You're 15 years old. You do NOT have to pick a side, nor should you have to. Parents often treat their children like adult friends during separations/divorce proceedings, unfortunately, and it's not fair. Why should you be the one to advise your mom on what's best? If she wants legal advice, she should hire an attorney. If she wants emotional support, she should turn to her adult friends, adult family members, etc. She needs to take your well-being into consideration, and placing this burden on your shoulders isn't going to be helpful. She probably doesn't realize what she's doing, though, so the next time you have a heart-to-heart, you may need to establish some boundaries with her. You can do this in a loving manner, by explaining that you care deeply about her, but don't want to be put in the middle of this.

If your father is escalating, and his physical/verbal behavior is becoming abusive, then you can definitely encourage your mother to seek help now. If you ever feel your physical and/or mental well-being is in immediate danger, or that your mother and/or siblings are in danger, then call emergency services right away. They WILL protect you and your mother/siblings, if your father becomes aggressive like that again. They CAN force him to leave the home temporarily or permanently, should he pose a danger to you and/or your mother/siblings.






   
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