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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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The Cowbell Guy Offline
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Unhappy What am I supposed to do now? - August 1st 2013, 07:26 PM

A little backstory before my sad tale begins: for the last couple of years, I've been great friends with a girl in my social circle, and over the last year, we grew really close as she helped me get through a lot of really rough issues. She was pretty much one of the only people I trusted (trust issues are so much fun) and she was pretty dedicated about helping me get through my depression throughout this year, which I've struggled on-and-off with for the last three years. Basically she's one of the few close friends I've had. I might say my closest. We even ended up going to prom, although just as friends.

Things went strange in April, when she abruptly blocked me on Facebook and stopped replying to my texts. She insisted the texting was because of phone issues (which was corroborated by almost everyone else) and that she hadn't blocked me on Facebook. So, trusting her, of course, I went about my business as normal, trying occasionally to see if I could get her to check her settings and resolve the problem (with the help of another friend of mine, since I wasn't really able to contact her).

In June, the other friend got back to me (on the condition that I don't reveal she told me anything, of course) and told me that I actually had been blocked on Facebook by this friend, because somehow she'd been convinced that I liked her and wanted to date her/make her my girlfriend/whatever. I never really meant anything by liking or commenting on her Facebook posts, but she misread it as some kind of budding romantic interest. This creeped her out and upset her because of some of her own personal issues with insecurity (it didn't help that one of the guys who was chasing after her actually was creepy; prom probably had something to do with it, too).

Fast forward to today, in August, and I'm still blocked; she's now actively avoiding me (which she's managing very well, considering virtually all of our social circles overlap and we live in a tiny community). She hasn't said a word of explanation or apology since lying to me about being blocked way back in April; if it weren't for the explanation my other friend has given me, I wouldn't even know any of this. The other friend also told her to get this resolved with me before it damages our friendship any further, but she for whatever reason isn't very receptive to that idea.

I'm starting to despair, because it looks now like she basically overreacted to some misinformation and proceeded to strangle our relationship of several years. I don't know what to do. I'm spiraling back into depression, because if I couldn't even trust her, where can I turn? While trying to assuage my fears last year, she promised me time and again that she wasn't going to leave...and now, it's all over because of an out-of-character overreaction to something that wasn't even true...
   
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Re: What am I supposed to do now? - August 1st 2013, 08:33 PM

Hey there bud, I'm sorry you've had such a bad time lately. I know that losing a close friend feels really crappy, but unfortunately sometimes it happens. People walk in and out of our lives all the time and sometimes all we can do is find the best way to cope with it. That being said, however, I do think there are things that you can do to try and remedy the situation.

Have you visited her personally since this incident? You mentioned that you live in a tiny community and that should make it easy to see this girl in person. Maybe even go to her house on your own. That's how I would handle the situation, since it sounds like there was a lot of second hand (at best) information being passed around. I think that you and her need to set the record straight and that can only be done face to face, without communicating through any third parties. If she is unwilling or unresponsive to such communication it's sad to say, but you're better than this. You deserve better than to have to continuously "ask" for a friendship with someone who is treating you in a way that's quite uncalled for, in my opinion.

I've been in this situation myself, and unfortunately lost a few friends through it. There are other people and new friends to be made out there and life does move on from situations like this. I know you will get through it one way or another, if you're ever feeling down or ever need someone to chat to about it feel free to drop me a message. I do hope that everything works out for the best though. Cheers!
   
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Re: What am I supposed to do now? - August 2nd 2013, 01:27 AM

Thanks for the advice. I haven't gone to visit her personally, mostly for the same reasons why I haven't called her myself--for one thing, she's been dodging me even in situations where I don't know she's there or have no plans to talk to her. And she actually is really busy--their family is remodeling right now, so she hasn't had a lot of free time lately either way.


My major problem is that if I try and contact her, she'll almost certainly assume I'm desperate and that this has something to do with liking her, thanks to the similar antics of the aforementioned creepy guy who really is desperate for her. Hence all the avoiding. But it's pretty much inevitable I'll see her sooner or later, what with the overlapping social circles and all (there's a party tomorrow we're both invited to, for one thing). In fact, I have a writing class that takes place at her house every Monday (though she's not there very often).

The thing is getting my confidence up. I'm not assertive at all, and I prefer to keep to myself. I honestly don't even have the confidence to completely assert myself unless I'm angry, which for obvious reasons doesn't seem like the best course of action here. What a mess.
   
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Re: What am I supposed to do now? - August 2nd 2013, 03:23 AM

I can see where she may get the idea that multiple attempts at contacting her seems desperate, so if you're not comfortable with that I understand. The party has got to be the best time to have this conversation, since you have a built in excuse to be in the same place. Even if she may try to avoid you.

As far as the confidence thing goes, I've definitely been there before. Lack of confidence sucks, but unfortunately it's something so many people deal with. You're not alone! I think something that you could try is while you're there, talk to a close friend who is aware of the situation you're having, since you mentioned you've spoken a couple of times through friends. They may be able to give you the confidence you need to approach and talk to your friend. All you need is a few seconds of confidence to start that conversation and you're golden! A good thing to look for is the closure. Nothing is more maddening than not knowing. If you can manage to get everything you need to say to her out of you, I think that you'll feel a lot better - or at least relieved - regardless of the outcome.

Best of luck at the party too, it may not be easy but it'll be worth it!
   
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Re: What am I supposed to do now? - August 3rd 2013, 09:59 PM

So, said party has come and gone. I didn't try and talk to her about it. -___- Once I was there I just didn't really feel comfortable broaching the subject--part of the reason being that there were a lot of people there, and I didn't really like the idea of trying to pull her aside and ask about it, not in front of everyone. Especially since there weren't really a lot of opportunities to try amid all the conversations and activities.

It didn't help that while I was there, my other friend involved in this sent me another email about the whole thing that just put me back into depression. (I should have mentioned this other friend is in another state at college right now, so she couldn't really help out with approaching or anything). Mostly this is just a result of my confidence flagging and depression creeping back in.

The only thing to note really is that she didn't go out of her way to avoid me. She didn't ignore me, either--sure, starting idle banter with me is just idle banter, but that's better than last week, with all the crazy avoiding. If she didn't want to talk to me, she could have not said anything, because I certainly didn't talk to her first. But who knows--maybe I'm just reading too much into things.

I guess my problem is that I'm trying to force myself to accept the way things are and move on, but I can't. Some part of me keeps hoping that eventually she'll take a step back and realize what happened--that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I understand why she thought I liked her (now that I think about it, rumors were probably all over the place) and why she overreacted. I just happened to be there right as she tried to shut out anyone she thought might like her, and I can't blame her for why she reacted, just how she did. If I could only convince her that I just want to salvage our friendship...

What complicates moving on is that, like I said earlier, we live in a tiny community. I don't know how I'm supposed to move on and let go when she's going to be at nearly every party/gathering/etc. that I go to, laughing with everyone else.

I'm starting to think that the only way to get any sort of closure on this is to wait. To give her some time to think about it. And whenever I do talk to her again, to make it emphatically clear that I'm only trying to repair a friendship and I'm not some creepy romance monster. I suppose I'll have to wait and see.
   
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