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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Unsure how to react to my friend's *huge* dark secret. - August 5th 2013, 12:30 AM

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Well, I found out recently that a friend isn't who they said they've been for the past few years...at all.

1) They lied about their name.
2) They lied about their age.
3) They lied about their past life, relationships etc.

Why, might one ask? Well, upon looking up his real name on Google, I discovered that there was a reason he seemed to be living a second life. A big reason, in my opinion.

Apparently 15 years ago, he brutally murdered his mother. It made huge headlines and he was put in jail for 20 years. He got out a couple of years ago and I met him through a mutual friend.

I don't know how to feel about this. I feel so stupid for thinking he was 15 years younger than he claimed, and I feel so stupid for believing every word about his past life. He was never engaged, never went abroad, no. He was in prison...

What do I even say? I feel so skeeved out having a friendship with a murderer. I guess it's not something many people are open to. But at the same time, maybe he made up all these lies so that he could start a new life and felt that the truth would distance people from him...

My friend who lives with him kicked him out. Nobody has spoken to him in a few days...and I'm not sure what to do...what to say...how to feel...

"It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness"-Chinese Proverb

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Re: Unsure how to react to my friend's *huge* dark secret. - August 5th 2013, 02:13 AM

Hey there,

Maybe you can get a little bit of space for a while just to think clearly without having any pressure from outside sources such as friends or even him. That way, you may be able to clear your mind and process things, since this definitely is a huge shock. In that time, maybe you can also think about whether or not you would be okay with continuing your friendship with him. For instance, if you truly believe he can start fresh and have a new life, you can always try to continue the friendship, but if your thinking leads you to realize that this is not something that you would feel comfortable with or is against your morals, you don't have to associate with him as much or at all.

Whether you decide to continue the friendship or not, maybe it also can help you to sit down with him and have an honest conversation with him. That way, you'd be able to get out any last feelings you have or any questions you have, and you'd be able to hear things from his perspective as well. If you decide to end the friendship, at least by doing this you will be ending off on a good note, and if you have decided that you'd like to carry out the friendship, this is where you'd be able to talk to him and discuss where to go from there.

But, you don't have to rush to make any decision right away. I think you definitely need time to process everything that is going on and let it sink in, and then maybe you'll be able to clearly put some thought into what you want to do and what you'd feel more comfortable with. Maybe you can do a more detailed pros and cons list sort of thing, too, taking notes on whether to carry out the friendship or not to, and see what outweighs the other.

I hope things work out okay!


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