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Gwena Offline
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I'm both spoiled and abused? - August 30th 2013, 11:40 PM

When I was growing up, whenever I wanted a food product, I would always get it. Also whenever I really wanted something, I'd make a scene or sulk a lot. Usually I'd get what I want. I'm still like that sometimes. I'm allowed to cook food and go to my parent's room at night (to use the bathroom). Also, I've always been super temperamental and impulsive.

But growing up, my mom would beat me a lot and all through my life, I've been called ugly, stupid, evil, told to go die, the reason my mom would kill herself (ever since I was a small child), etc. My dad was pretty okay with me although I dislike him way more than my mom because he's too conflict-avoidant. I also see myself in my mom to a certain extent (even though she cares a lot about looking like a good mom to everyone and I don't care about my social image) because we're both rather emotional. One thing I hold against my dad though is this one time I attempted suicide in front of both my parents and he told me to stop taking things too personally. I felt really ashamed because I never exploded like that in front of them, it's always behind closed doors.

My childhood's super weird and I'm super weird right now (a mixture of a cocky spoiled brat and an insecure anxious teenager). What do I do? How do I fix this?
   
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Re: I'm both spoiled and abused? - August 31st 2013, 08:25 PM

Hello, and welcome to TeenHelp!!! Sorry that you post has not been answered as quickly as you'd like it to be.

I do think it is very possible to be taken care of AND to be abused. Your mom might look at it as "well, I take care of you but...". Not to mention that there is a lot of psychology there that I understand but can't explain. That would be something Robin (PSY) would be better at explaining.

But here is what I can explain. There are different kinds of abuse commonly seen in families.

- There is neglect (which is something you say you do not experience), now neglect is a chronic inattention or ommision by the parents/gaurdians to provide for basic emotional and/or physical needs to the kids such as food, clothing, nutrition, adequte supervision, health, hygiene, safety, medical and psychological care and education.

- There is physical abuse which includes any act by a parent/guarding that would harm a child, including excessive discipline that hurts a kid even if it was unintended. So hurting a kid to punish them for their behaviour, physical injury that occurs resulting from a lack of care or supervision by an adult, physical injuries resulting from shaking an infant or toddler. So you definitely experience physical abuse by the sounds of it. This is illegal in some form everywhere in Canada, the USA, Britain, France etc.

- There is sexual abuse (you don't experience this though by the sounds of it) which is coercion, using a kid for sexual gratification or exploitation, touching in a sexual way, or making a kid touch a parent or anyone else for the adults purposes.

- Then lastly there is emotional abuse which is a pattern of overt rejecting, isolating, degrading, terrorizing, corruption, exploiting, denying emotional responsiveness, and punishing a child's attempts to interact with the environment. So other examples are criticizing (meanly, there is a such thing as constructive criticism), teasing, belittling, insulting, rejecting, ignoring etc. Any combination of these tactics can be used. You definitely experience this as well.

It isn't right that your mom treats you like this and it is actually illegal. Your dad may also be in someway emotionally abused by your mom. Men do more commonly abuse their spouses, but women can also be the abuser. I know it can be hard to resent your dad if you want him to protect you and your mom but if he is an overly passive person to begin with, also being abused might make him withdraw even more. He might feel like he needs your mom for what ever reason no matter how mean she is OR he might feel he can't risk the marriage cause he needs to be around to protect you even if you can't see it.

You are still 15 so CPS (child protective services) will intervene if you ask them too. They'll work with your mom, it'll probably result in her being court ordered to take counselling, anger management courses, and even parenting courses (what ever is deemed necessary) to help her stop with what's going on. They might even do the same with your dad so that he will be taught why he can't be an innocent by stander (if there is a such thing as being innocent there). As long as you are not in immediate danger then you will be able to stay at home during this process. I fully believe that this is the best an most effective option for your situation. There are a lot of other things you could do but they'd be costly OR won't necessarily help make the home situation safer.




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
   
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Re: I'm both spoiled and abused? - August 31st 2013, 11:29 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Wallflower~ View Post
Hello, and welcome to TeenHelp!!! Sorry that you post has not been answered as quickly as you'd like it to be.

I do think it is very possible to be taken care of AND to be abused. Your mom might look at it as "well, I take care of you but...". Not to mention that there is a lot of psychology there that I understand but can't explain. That would be something Robin (PSY) would be better at explaining.

But here is what I can explain. There are different kinds of abuse commonly seen in families.

- There is neglect (which is something you say you do not experience), now neglect is a chronic inattention or ommision by the parents/gaurdians to provide for basic emotional and/or physical needs to the kids such as food, clothing, nutrition, adequte supervision, health, hygiene, safety, medical and psychological care and education.

- There is physical abuse which includes any act by a parent/guarding that would harm a child, including excessive discipline that hurts a kid even if it was unintended. So hurting a kid to punish them for their behaviour, physical injury that occurs resulting from a lack of care or supervision by an adult, physical injuries resulting from shaking an infant or toddler. So you definitely experience physical abuse by the sounds of it. This is illegal in some form everywhere in Canada, the USA, Britain, France etc.

- There is sexual abuse (you don't experience this though by the sounds of it) which is coercion, using a kid for sexual gratification or exploitation, touching in a sexual way, or making a kid touch a parent or anyone else for the adults purposes.

- Then lastly there is emotional abuse which is a pattern of overt rejecting, isolating, degrading, terrorizing, corruption, exploiting, denying emotional responsiveness, and punishing a child's attempts to interact with the environment. So other examples are criticizing (meanly, there is a such thing as constructive criticism), teasing, belittling, insulting, rejecting, ignoring etc. Any combination of these tactics can be used. You definitely experience this as well.

It isn't right that your mom treats you like this and it is actually illegal. Your dad may also be in someway emotionally abused by your mom. Men do more commonly abuse their spouses, but women can also be the abuser. I know it can be hard to resent your dad if you want him to protect you and your mom but if he is an overly passive person to begin with, also being abused might make him withdraw even more. He might feel like he needs your mom for what ever reason no matter how mean she is OR he might feel he can't risk the marriage cause he needs to be around to protect you even if you can't see it.

You are still 15 so CPS (child protective services) will intervene if you ask them too. They'll work with your mom, it'll probably result in her being court ordered to take counselling, anger management courses, and even parenting courses (what ever is deemed necessary) to help her stop with what's going on. They might even do the same with your dad so that he will be taught why he can't be an innocent by stander (if there is a such thing as being innocent there). As long as you are not in immediate danger then you will be able to stay at home during this process. I fully believe that this is the best an most effective option for your situation. There are a lot of other things you could do but they'd be costly OR won't necessarily help make the home situation safer.
Thanks! No need to apologize though, it's definitely okay. Yeah, I think my dad might have a problem with being overly passive.

I'm not sure if I should report my mom though, I don't like drawing things out and I like the resources she gives me. I'm really just curious about how I am emotionally and how to fix that. But I'm definitely thankful for your response.
   
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Re: I'm both spoiled and abused? - September 1st 2013, 01:21 AM

Well, ok, just remember that the option is there at the time that you become ready to do something about it. I can definitely understand not wanting to tell anyone about a parent who's doing something (even if I think it is deserved). If that's not something you're prepared to do right now then I cannot make you. It definitely would be worth your time to ask someone to work with her though. You don't deserve to be abused. Even if you've lived with that kind of treatment for as long as you can remember. But you have to do that on your own time.

Do you feel emotionally ok? I can't be the one to tell you that, you need to be the judge of that on your own. Do you feel angry a lot? Sad? Scared? Confused? Resentful? Are you happy? Content? Safe? A range of feelings? Life can be stressful, but I know what having abusive parents can do to a kid too. Some kids work through it just fine even if they have emotional scars from it. Others end up with issues cause of it and there is no one single result from it.




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
   
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Re: I'm both spoiled and abused? - September 1st 2013, 04:54 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Wallflower~ View Post
Well, ok, just remember that the option is there at the time that you become ready to do something about it. I can definitely understand not wanting to tell anyone about a parent who's doing something (even if I think it is deserved). If that's not something you're prepared to do right now then I cannot make you. It definitely would be worth your time to ask someone to work with her though. You don't deserve to be abused. Even if you've lived with that kind of treatment for as long as you can remember. But you have to do that on your own time.

Do you feel emotionally ok? I can't be the one to tell you that, you need to be the judge of that on your own. Do you feel angry a lot? Sad? Scared? Confused? Resentful? Are you happy? Content? Safe? A range of feelings? Life can be stressful, but I know what having abusive parents can do to a kid too. Some kids work through it just fine even if they have emotional scars from it. Others end up with issues cause of it and there is no one single result from it.
Thanks for the sympathy.

Most of the time, I really just want freedom. I feel really caged with my family. I feel resentful and anxious a lot of the time. Yeah I've seen that.
   
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