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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
JenniLou Offline
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Name: Jenni-Lou
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Unhappy Friend moved away, he wants to stay in touch less than before as I want to stay in touch more.... - September 6th 2013, 02:11 AM

I'm so glad to have a place to ask help on this!

I'll start with some background: Me and this boy were best friends from age 5-8. Then the young-kid awkward feeling of boy-girl friends set in and we lost touch until age 13 or 14. We became good friends pretty quickly again, and he joined right in with my circle of friends (all guys ironically. And don't get me wrong, we were all just friends. More like a club).
Anyway, his family moved away 3 years ago. He's only about 2 hours away, but they don't visit often, and never with me or the "group". He really missed us the first year, we all cried at their moving-away party, he composed a song, recorded it and sent to to the group (it was about missing friends etc). He keep sending group emails talking about how his summer went, etc.
Well, this is the 3rd year he's been gone and I miss him more than before. Perhaps I have more feelings for him than a friend, I don't know. But in any case he's been communicating with us all less, and not at all this past summer. I emailed him myself, just chit chatting, and he would reply back a few times, never very long answers. After a few he'd just not reply. I send another email 2 weeks later, and same thing. Just recently he's done it for the 4th time and I'm getting frustrated. He's also posting videos and picture on google+ & youtube of him and his new friends, and I can't help feeling jealous; like they're taking my friend away. I really don't want to loose this friendship, he's one of the kindest, most amazing and talented people I've ever met, and we've known each other so long. My besties tell me to move on, and get over it. But I really like him, even just as a friend.

So I don't know exactly what I'm looking for as far as specific answers, just if anyone has a comment, or advice in any aspect of this situation i'd greatly appreciate feedback. Thank you so much.

-Feeling forgotten
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Friend moved away, he wants to stay in touch less than before as I want to stay in touch more.... - September 6th 2013, 12:53 PM

Unfortunately a differential in how much communication happens does tend to happen when a friend moves away. It can happen on both ends--sometimes you try to keep in contact with them and they don't put as much effort in OR the moved-friend tries to keep in contact with a few of the friends who won't try as hard either.

I think that rationally you must realize that he obviously needs friends in his new town. He isn't just going to sit around at home without talking to anyone so he can pine away for his old friends from before he moved. I can totally understand being jealous especially if some part of you wants to assume its totally the fault of the new friends. It can be a factor, yes, but not their fault.

Not to mention that some people are busy and don't have the time or energy to put into answering a lengthy email. Like I almost prefer texting over emailing cause you can structure it more like a conversation so it doesn't require me to sit down and divulge all the important news and concoct any and all questions I have for my friend all in 1 go which can take much longer then breaking it all up. So it might be worth your time messaging him on Facebook too and seeing if that works.

Also, it's worth making note of the fact that many men are notoriously less chatty on emails, texts etc. then women tend to be. If you get them on the right topic they won't shut up, but generally their responses more commonly tend to be less detailed and wordy compared to the females response. Lots of guys in my life from my brother to my male friends to my boyfriends have been like that and I've talked to other friends (females) about it and they agreed with me, heck, I've even seen magazine articles about it. So there are circumstances where a guy might get more chatty and there are guys who are more chatty then others... But my point is that this guy might not even realise he's doing anything to bother you, he might think that his responses are good enough and would even be confused if you brought it up. It's just one possibility here.

What sucked when I first started university is that I moved REALLY far away, I pretty much never got to come back except for major holidays. I found that you you really find who you're "real" friends are because I'd try to talk to people and they responded like... once... maybe twice... after I moved, but half the time they just didn't respond and when they did it was short blunt answers, they didn't try to give back to the conversation etc. almost 5 years later I only regularly talk to maybe 6 or 8 people regularly, there was about 12+ people who I would have wanted to be in "regular" contact with before leaving, but now they are people who I might talk to only if I passed them on the street at home for a quick hello. Ironically, I find that there are 2 or 3 people who I ended up being closer to only after I graduated for one reason or another. It doesn't mean those people who I sot of lost contact with didn't like me, for the most part they liked me just like I still like them, it just that it turned out we weren't close enough to make a big effort into keeping in contact and that at first I overestimated our closeness

So if you want to try to do something maybe change the way you contact him (FB chat vs. email) and make a point of asking or talking about stuff you know he likes. Try to remember what I said about guys being less wordy and if that factors in. But that the end of the day you might just have to accept that you guys have grown apart. By all means stay in contact with him either way buuuuut you might need to accept that eventuality




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
   
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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
JenniLou Offline
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Re: Friend moved away, he wants to stay in touch less than before as I want to stay in touch more.... - September 6th 2013, 10:24 PM

Thanks for the response! I tried to FB him earlier this summer, but he told me that he doesn't have a facebook, or a texting cell phone. He has Google+, but he never checks his chatbox. I know in the long run it would probably be best to wait for him to contact me, and if he doesn't on his own (which is likely) just leave it be, but I cant help really missing him. I just don't know whether I'd make it worse to keep trying or if I should just be satisfied with seeing and talking to him once a year.
   
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Always * Offline
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Re: Friend moved away, he wants to stay in touch less than before as I want to stay in touch more.... - September 7th 2013, 05:50 PM

Who the hell doesn't have a texting cell phone in this day and age? EVERYONE has texting on cell phones. Maybe they didn't 10 years ago... But now every phone pretty much comes with texting on it automatically and the only way to NOT have it is if you're like my grandmother who went out of her way to opt out which is good since she is so technologically retarded that she could barely make a phone call on her cell phone much less write a text..... Texting doesn't even cost much either so that's hardly an excuse either unless your so poor you're homeless.

My point is that him not having a cell phone with texting on it sounds a bit like a lie. I'd seriously question what's going on there. Is this the truth? Or is it just a REALLY bad way to avoid giving you his cell number. Maybe he really is trying to cut contact with people from "the old world", if that's what he's saying I'd seriously doubt what's going on too sorry if that's not ok




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
JenniLou Offline
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Re: Friend moved away, he wants to stay in touch less than before as I want to stay in touch more.... - September 9th 2013, 07:12 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Wallflower~ View Post
Who the hell doesn't have a texting cell phone in this day and age? EVERYONE has texting on cell phones.
Well, I guess I never actually asked him about his phone personally, I just asked a friend of his. But I'd believe it, he's very against "computers and video games taking over people's lives". So he doesn't have facebook either.
   
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