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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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dreamer136 Offline
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Controlling 'Best Friend' - September 6th 2013, 03:42 PM

I've read a very old thread where someone talked about a controlling best friend of theirs, and I am in a very similar situation.
I've been best friends with this girl for 12 years, and for a very long time I've come to my senses and realized she's been controlling me. She has an extremely strong character, very bossy and sometimes comes off as vain.

She always wants things to go her way and always expects everyone (me first) to go along despite their own situations/opinion. For example, she would plan a week ahead, and when she'd tell her plan to me, it would sound something like, 'Okay so on Monday we'll go shopping, Tuesday rest because I'm exhausted, and then Wednesday we can catch up with some friends at XYZ place because I love their food.' Note the I and We. She doesn't even ask if I'm okay with any of it - she plans everything and expects me to automatically go along.

She also gives high worth to herself, seeing that she comes from a well off family, I wouldn't blame her. For example, the other day me and a bunch of friends were going out, and the best friend was going out with different friends of hers. She wanted to pass by and say hi at a certain time, and I told her I'm going later by one hour. She seemed to have gotten a fit and her attitude changed, and she said, 'Fine, you're free to do whatever you want, I'm just telling you since I won't be staying for long and I wanted to see you'. It came off more like, "I'm someone important and it's your loss". Like seriously, who the ef do you think you are?! She gives herself extremely high standards and when someone would argue with her, she would complain, 'How dare they do that with ME? Don't they know who they're messing with?".

This has affected me, personally in extreme ways both in my self-esteem, self-worth, self-respect, and self-confidence. We're always together and she's the one getting all the attention (plus she's prettier than me and I have horrible acne). I'd be standing with her and people would blatantly compliment her and not even notice me standing there. A friend even joked once that I'm her 'dog'. Since I'm not so well off, and I've told her about my problems, I feel so vulnerable when we're going out to eat with friends or going shopping or any plans in general. She hints things like, 'I can pay you and you pay me later' and as friendly as that is, I don't need someone to take care of me, especially her. I appreciate her generosity and care except if it comes off from pity.

A few weeks ago I went on holiday with a couple of friends, and long-story-short, I was put out of my comfort zone and ended up crying myself secretly every night until I came back home. I talked to her about this a week ago and she burst out, 'Why do you have zero self-esteem?! Why are you so weak like that?!' and since then she's been having this vain attitude towards me, like I'm some kind of weak retard and she pities me.

To top it off, I've been bullied by girls and boys alike. Not aggressive bullying, but basically being made fun of every time I speak or do anything and it's gotten into me. Teachers even took their toll on me, like by being biased and respecting some of my other girl friends and always treating me like one of the losers.

I'm just sick of this treatment and I want to gain respect from these people and have confidence. It's so hard for me to ever love myself and now that I'm going to college, I'll need all the confidence and self-esteem I can get because I am planning on becoming very social.

Regarding the best friend issue - ditching her is out of the question because of the long period of time I've known her. We practically grew together. I just want her to stop controlling me and pitying me, and instead look up to me and respect me. I want my friends to respect me as well. They have this general idea of me as the kind one that never upsets anyone. But for once, I want to stand up for myself, I want to show someone when I'm upset and apologize to me, I want to have confidence to go up and speak to people. Advice anyone? :/

Last edited by dreamer136; September 7th 2013 at 08:30 AM.
   
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Re: Controlling 'Best Friend' - September 8th 2013, 03:57 AM

Ghee, I'm sorry to hear that you've had to put up with this. It sounds like your "best friend" isn't really a true best friend. I mean, think about it. She wants things to go her way, she doesn't care about what you and your friends' opinions are, she sees herself as superior and sees you as inferior, and she doesn't seem to have a sense of empathy for others. Now, that is definitely not a true best friend because a true best friend doesn't do that. Best friends are supposed to respect one another, to make compromises so that they both can be happy, to be considerate of one another, to be honest, and to always be there for one another no matter what. As long as you've known her for the longest time, it'd be best if you just told her that you're not liking the way that she's treating you, the way that her attitude is, and that you don't want to be best friends anymore. You're going to get more emotionally affected if you continue to be best friends with her because from the looks of it, she won't stop pitying and controlling you unless you stand your ground and state that you will not tolerate this any longer. It will sound really hard to do I know, but the thing is you need to make a choice, and that's something that every one of us always has. You can either choose to continue to tolerate your best friend hoping that she'll change and start seeing you as an independent individual, but in the long run, you'll be more affected emotionally since you're expecting her to eventually do this for you, but she won't end up doing so, or you just make it clear that your friendship is over, endure the pain that'll come along with making that decision, and move on with your life. She's probably not even thinking about seeing you as an individual, not giving you any respect, not even being considerate of you, and more importantly, not even changing her attitude for you. So, why do you have to bother putting up with this? Again, I know it will be very difficult to break your friendship with her since you've known her for a long time, but then again, if you want to start gaining respect from these people that you speak of and have confidence, you're going to have to take a leap of faith and make the choice that'll be best for you. You, as an individual, deserve better than this. I hope that for your sake you'll make the right decision, and hopefully everything will turn out fine. I wish you all the best.




“The main thing is realizing that even if you feel terrible for a while, that’s not how you’re going to feel the whole time. . . . Things change if you just keep moving.” - Gary Vaynerchuk
   
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Re: Controlling 'Best Friend' - September 8th 2013, 05:27 PM

Thank you so much for taking time to read this and for your advice. People that I've talked to about this have also advised me something along the lines of ending our friendship. I think now that we both started college, it'll be easier for me to swallow all the gut I need and confront her about it. I won't feel weird about it in the long run since we won't be seeing each other every single day (opposed to being in school). I know she's a good person as well but lately all the bad has been coming out and all at me. Thank you again
   
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Re: Controlling 'Best Friend' - September 9th 2013, 12:12 AM

You're very welcome. I'm glad that you're taking my advice into consideration. Also, it's good to hear that you're making the right decision; that goes a long way for you. I'm always happy to lend a helping hand. Once again, you're welcome. I wish you all the best.




“The main thing is realizing that even if you feel terrible for a while, that’s not how you’re going to feel the whole time. . . . Things change if you just keep moving.” - Gary Vaynerchuk
   
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Re: Controlling 'Best Friend' - September 9th 2013, 07:00 PM

I'll suck up some gut and when I get the courage to confront her about it, I'll sure come back here and let you know how it went.
   
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Re: Controlling 'Best Friend' - September 10th 2013, 01:06 AM

Alright, sounds good to me. Don't let your fears hold you back.




“The main thing is realizing that even if you feel terrible for a while, that’s not how you’re going to feel the whole time. . . . Things change if you just keep moving.” - Gary Vaynerchuk
   
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