Cheating boyfriend.

[Lovestrong.]

I'm no good at explaining things so this will probably make no sense but hopefully you'll get the main idea.
I've been with my boyfriend, for the benefit of this I'll call him Joe, for 3 months. Just last week I found out that he's been cheating on me for the entirety of our relationship. Well technically, I'm the one he's been cheating with as it turns out his so called ex girlfriend (Lucy) and him never broke up, they've been together for 2 years. Lucy's the one who told me. Joe's mum told Lucy that Joe was also seeing me a short while after she found out and Lucy very kindly informed me that Joe and herself were still together. Lucy of course was heartbroken, I genuinely feel really sorry for her because nobody deserves to be treated that way, cheated on after spending two years of your life with somebody. Anyway, Lucy showed me photos of herself and Joe at a safari and out for lunch. I knew these photos were taken recently due to clues in them - I wont bother explaining. I even asked Joe's mum and she confirmed that Joe and Lucy had never broken up. At this point of course I was devastated and eventually I confronted Joe. He cried like crazy and denied it at first then eventually admitted everything. However, he claims that he'd tried to leave Lucy but she just wouldn't accept the break up which I find ridiculous because if he really tried then why did he let her come to his house and why were they doing sexual things together. Apparently about two months ago was the last time they had sex but either way he was still with me at this point! He also says that his mum was the one who invited Lucy to lunch and the safari, however to me he looked rather happy being with her in those photos I saw. He claims he was just faking it for the camera but I don't know what to believe anymore.
On top of this I found messages on his phone between him and girls he's met online. These messages say things like "I cant wait for a cuddle" and "I get butterflies at the thought of meeting you". I confronted him about these too, he cried, messaged all the girls apologising for lying to them and admitting that he had a girlfriend, then deleted them all. This happened before I found out about the cheating so I let him off. He still allows me to check his phone whenever I want to make sure he's not doing it anymore. Surely this isn't the point though, I shouldn't have to check his phone, I should just be able to trust him :/
Anyway, I'm still with Joe right now. We were on a break for a short while but I decided to stay with him and get back together properly. Although I'm not certain if I've made the right decision. If anyone else was in my position I'd tell them to leave him, they deserve better. But I just cant bring myself to do that. I don't know why but I cant leave him, I want to be with him. He makes me happy, I feel comfortable with him, that's something I've never really had before. But I cant trust him, will that come back in time? He's just become a part of me and it's like that part is missing if I leave him, and I'm scared I'll just go back to how I used to be; I used to self harm, I don't want to go back to that, Joe has been helping me cope better with things rather than take them out on myself. Anyway, I just wondered what you guys would do? Or how I'm ever supposed to trust him again whilst I'm with him? I don't want our relationship to end, I really don't. I'm just so confused right now. I still can't believe this all happened.

Sorry for how long this is. I just wanted to make sure I included all the relevant information. Thanks for all your help.

[Lelola]

My best advice is to leave him and if Lucy is smart, she will leave him too. As nice as your relationship may have been, it was based on a huge lie. At this point, will he change? Not for either of you two. Why should he? You bought one lie and she appears to have bought the other lie. Not to mention he is talking to other girls online? There is little incentive for him to change. He gets the best of all worlds right now. Also, is he actually sorry that he cheated on the both of you or is he sorry that he was caught? You said he looked pretty happy in those photos. He probably was.

Also, it is screwed up that his mom is okay with him playing the both of you. I've seen my ex's mom allow that to happen with his little brother and it was weird.

I strongly, strongly encourage you to reevaluate your situation. Yes, he may be comforting but you really need to find happiness and self confidence in yourself and not rely on a 2nd person to be your rock. I would strongly recommend you to break off the relationship and work on being happy with yourself.

[Lovestrong.]

Lucy has left him, she also advised me to do the same. He says he always loved me, not her, he just didn't have the guts to get rid of her. He's always been so wonderful though, he does cute things for me, makes me feel special, is always there for me. He puts up with so much from me, and I do kind of believe him when he says he won't do anything like that again.

His mum is screwed up tbh, she's a horrible person.

I guess you do have a point, I do need to learn to be happy with who I am and I thought Joe was helping me with that because I was starting to like myself I am, but then I found out about the cheating and that all fell apart.

[Lelola]

Spend time apart with no contact. Try to reach out to any friends you haven't talked to recently. Focus on things like school and working right now and then after a week or two, see how much you truly miss him. I found that it was easier after a week when the scar wasn't fresh that I didn't feel like I really need them anymore.

Also, make sure you blame the right person too. Remember it is not Lucy or your own fault that he decided to play both of you. It was a conscious decision on his apart. I will be very, very cold in when I say that he probably fed the same lines he is feeding you to her in order to try and keep both of you. When he says things like "I tried to leave her but she couldn't handle it" is an excuse and an attempt to justify cheating. He is trying to shift the blame off of him.

As for the feeling to need to check his phone, ten to one he is just smarter about it. He can quickly delete texts now, hide it under a boy's name, use a texting app, or messages them through the computer.

This is probably something you may not want to ask him, but if you do stay with him consider asking him to get an STD test as he was with her while with you.

[Lovestrong.]

Don't worry I definitely know who's to blame in this situation. At first I blamed myself but then I realised actually, I've done nothing wrong, it was him who messed everything up not me.
I had the same thoughts about the checking his phone, I don't believe it's going to help me feel more like I can trust him at all, but it's something I guess.
I do intend to ask him now to get checked. Originally I'd thought about it and decided not to ask him but now you've mentioned it too I think I probably should.
Thank you for all your advice btw, I appreciate it.

[Gingerbread Latte]

Honestly, I think you should just leave him. As someone who's been cheated on before and gone back to the guy I can say with 99.9% certainty that you'll never be able to trust him in the same way again.

If there's no trust in a relationship it will eventually end and it'll probably end badly. Everytime he texts someone you'll be constantly wondering if he's cheating again. Everytime he goes away for a weekend or for a day trip you'll be wondering if he's taking another girl with him. Everytime he says he can't hang out because he's busy doing something you'll be wondering if he's with someone else.

Trust me when I say that this relationship will probably not get very far after this event. You deserve to be with someone who's faithful and honest with you and while it might seem hard for you to leave him now because you're in love but in a couple of months you'll feel so much better and then a year from now you'll look back on this and won't be able to believe you even considered staying with him.

You have the final decision though and while it may seem like I'm trying to get you to end it, I don't know you or him personally so I can't say your experiences will be the same as mine. I just don't like seeing people blinded by what they think is love that they settle for less than they deserve.

[Ambiance]

You don't have to hate him or anything, but he just is not boyfriend material. If he could manage to hurt you in all these different ways once, there is no reason he won't do it again. You have to remember this is not an isolated incident, he lied to you repeatedly. And her. And all those girls.

[Lovestrong.]

"Pizza Slut" you're right, I do keep worrying about who he's with and what he's doing every minute he's not with me. I know that's not healthy in a relationship :/

Thank you very much for your advice guys, I really appreciate it. You all have good points and hopefully they'll help me decide what to do.

[Lovestrong.]

Just a quick update if anyone cares....I left him on wednesday. Hardest thing I've ever had to do. He kept crying and begging me to stay and that just destroyed me. I'm sure I've done the right thing but it hurts so much.

[rac146]

You did the right thing! I know its hard, but maybe now he will be a better person because he learned his actions make him lose people - esp if he actually cared about you. Either way, you'll be happier in the long run. Take some time for yourself, move on, and you'll be better and ready for a better relationship before you know it.

[kaydee.]

I read most of what you posted, and good for you girl!.
At least you got out in 3 months instead of a year, or two like what I did! lol.
Now you just have to get his cheating ass out of your mind for good.
To get over him, just think of the negative qualities about him, and that should help.

[Lovestrong.]

Thanks guys it's gonna take some time to move on completely, but I think I'll be fine soon enough!

It sucks when cheating boyfriends try to milk sympathy out of you. I'm glad you left him, you (all girls, really) deserve better than being sloppy seconds or a back-up plan. Or whatever the hell guys call their second girlfriends.

You can move on, it will take time but you can do it! We're here to talk if you ever want to, don't be afraid to PM me. I know what it's like, so I can definitely help out!

[Lovestrong.]

Thank you Becki, same goes for you!