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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Standing up for my friend, BAD? - September 23rd 2013, 10:26 PM

Today my best friend Ash come to school all upset at her boyfriend. I will not get in to the details but it was about a boy named Kevin. She was hurt and I was upset. After 2nd period I saw him in the hall and told him that if he has a problem with my friend, that means he has a problem with me. Then I got in his face and yelled that if he looks at her, that if he even looks at her in a dream, that I would kick his *** up and down this hall!. Ok i did say some bad words, but anyway, he told a teacher and i ended up at the principles office. I got 2 days of detention and now i found out they called my mom. So I am waiting to see what my parents do to me.

But I don't see what i did that was so bad. I got that i used some words maybe i shouldnt but come on, dont must of us when we are upset?

The way i see it, i was taking up for my friend. If someone hurts my friends its worst than hurting me. I will GLADLY get in trouble at school or home for standing up for my friend. Also my friends know this, they know if they have a problem i will back them 100% even if they are wrong. I do NOT turn on friends and i will fight to the death for them.

am i dumb to be like this?


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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Standing up for my friend, BAD? - September 24th 2013, 02:03 PM

Maybe a little. Yeah, she had a problem with a guy, but can you blame him for being a little freaked out when some girl comes and started swearing like a sailor and threatening to beat him up JUST cause he had a dispute with some other girl?

The language probably wasn't the problem so much as the fact that you threatened him to be honest.




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Re: Standing up for my friend, BAD? - September 24th 2013, 07:52 PM

I concur that the fact that you threatened him was worse than using bad language. Being there for friends is a good thing, but not getting into an argument on their behalf.

You already said you didn't want to talk about the details of your friend's upset, and that's fine. But I'm guessing that you could have supported her without threatening him. Threatening him only makes the whole issue more complicated.

If your friend has another problem with a person, can she be sure that she can mention it to you without you getting angry and shouting at the culprit? I wonder if she would keep it a secret from you to avoid making things more complicated.

Often, a problem - even a relationship problem - can be solved by talking and making plans for how to move on with life. They do not have to involve revenge.

You might also want to think about whether you threatened him for her or whether you did it for yourself. I've been angry before and have picked fights with others to make myself feel better, but have pretended I was doing it to avenge somebody else. It made it look more noble. It was also untrue and only made things worse.

Your loyalty is admirable, but please think carefully about how you express it.
   
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September 24th 2013, 10:05 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Wallflower~ View Post
Maybe a little. Yeah, she had a problem with a guy, but can you blame him for being a little freaked out when some girl comes and started swearing like a sailor and threatening to beat him up JUST cause he had a dispute with some other girl?

The language probably wasn't the problem so much as the fact that you threatened him to be honest.
it wasn't a dispute, a dispute isn't a boy slapping a girl upside her head. also he is a BOY, why would he run and tell on a girl, dont guys have any balls anymore

Thanks so much for your reply: I will tell a little more to see my side, again i might me wrong, and thats is why i am here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satine View Post
I concur that the fact that you threatened him was worse than using bad language. Being there for friends is a good thing, but not getting into an argument on their behalf.
Its wasnt a agrunment, he didnt say anything back.

Quote:
You already said you didn't want to talk about the details of your friend's upset, and that's fine. But I'm guessing that you could have supported her without threatening him. Threatening him only makes the whole issue more complicated.
Its only fair to tell you want happen, how can you give me a far reply without know why. He got upset at her for being at her freinds house, he dates her friend and seeing her 'in the way'. He slapped her twice upset the head and pushed her against the wall. However when i did tell the principle about the later, they just said "well thats hear say, and its off school grounds".

Quote:
If your friend has another problem with a person, can she be sure that she can mention it to you without you getting angry and shouting at the culprit? I wonder if she would keep it a secret from you to avoid making things more complicated.
yes, she know if she tells me to not say or do anyting i never would. We trust each other 100%. I know, even if she didnt say, she told me so i would take up for her case she is scared him, but i am not.

Quote:
You might also want to think about whether you threatened him for her or whether you did it for yourself.
see i dont really see what i see as a threat. This guy is 16, I am almost 15. I am thin and weak,he plays football. He knows there is NO WAY I could beat him up or even hurt him.

Wrong or right, if you HIT my friend or hurt her, i will do what i feel i need to keep you away from doing it again.


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Last edited by PSY; September 25th 2013 at 12:57 AM. Reason: Merged consecutive posts.
   
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Re: Standing up for my friend, BAD? - September 25th 2013, 12:35 AM

You threatened to beat the crap out of him... Even if your smaller, younger and weaker you can't blame him for not wanting to have to put up with that kind of stuff.

Yes, hitting a girl is wrong. He clearly over reacted to it. But to be honest, so did you. Even if you felt the need to approach him, you could have handled it without getting so aggressive and angry. Like telling him that your friend said X about him and that you can't believe he'd so something like that and that you expect him to know better and figure that out etc.... But threatening to attack him really isn't improving the situation.

The best way to have handled it was to tell your friend to stay away from him if he's coming out with violent behaviour like that. You said it yourself--you can't fight him, you don't have the strength, so if you're going to "do what you have to" that's obviously not an effective plan if this happened again, so isn't the best way to handle it to encourage your friend to stay clear of a violent guy? And like I said, the next best option would be to talk to him calmly about how he conducts himself and calmly let him know that you don't like hearing about your friends being phyically harmed.

I get it, you won't be the first or last person to go out of her way to defend a friend, i've done it myself on countless occasions.... But you asked what the problem here and it was the unnecessary degree of hostility and aggression that got you the detention... Especially seeing as how he never even got a chance... And if it is such a big deal you also need to tell the teachers about him hitting this girl cause really their ways of fixing it (ex. some mediation or what ever) are STILL going to be more effective than you threatening to beat the crap out of a guy who (like you admitted yourself) you're not even capable of fighting.

I know you might not like what I am saying. but I STILL think that you're hostility was what got you in trouble, and to be honest, it could have been avoided




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Re: Standing up for my friend, BAD? - September 25th 2013, 01:36 AM

Thanks for the reply, even if i dont fully get it. As for the telling, we have but they, as i said above, say its off school grounds and hear say. I will admit that when i talked to him i just found out about it, she told me and like 5mins later i saw him in the hall. So I will say i might my snapped. But you would NOT believe how upset i was at this guy. Not only that, i cant believe a lot of the others girls i know didnt have a problem with it. That is sad and says a lot if you ask me.

I guess something is wrong with me cause, like they tell us to report a bully and i hate hearing that. I believe you face your bully or handle problems yourself.

And no i cant beat him up but i swear if he touches her at all again, i will find away to make him pay for it and IT WILL NOT be going to a teacher. To me a guy like this is the WORST kind of boy.

But thanks for saying what you said, its not falling on deaf ears, i do know i am headstrong, or i get carried away maybe. But in this world it seems yelling at a guy, using hard words (thats all they are, words) seems to the school a lot worst than him hitting her. I mean they could have at the least asking him about or maybe told his parents.

oh well its over right. I am willing to get in trouble to help a friend. I will say MAYBE i didnt handle that best way, but i am 14, but I think i handled it pretty good. even if the school doesnt agree.

thank you for the replies


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Re: Standing up for my friend, BAD? - September 26th 2013, 01:55 AM

I think that there is a much easier way to handle this: get your friend to stay away from him, you won't have to worry about having to deal with him if she has the good sense to say that she doesn't deserve that. I hope that helps.




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Re: Standing up for my friend, BAD? - September 26th 2013, 03:57 AM

First off, you have to let some people fight their own battles. At that age, a lot of relationships break up and then get back together quickly. I learned a long time ago to try and stay out of things like that because you may find out that next week they are all lovey-dovey again and are planning their wedding right after they graduate three years from now only to fight two weeks later.

Second, threatening him is not acceptable. You cannot threaten people just because he and your friend are fighting. You can go to jail or get fired from jobs if you make threats like that. A lot of schools also have a zero tolerance policy. You're lucky it's just two days detention and nothing involving the police.

Next, what would you have done if he decided to take you up on the offer and start fighting you? Would you whine because he was a boy who decided to fight the girl threatening him? If you were my kid who decided to threaten a classmate, I would be far more furious that you put yourself in that position.

You shouldn't stand up for your friends in this way. You should be supportive in cases like this. What would you have done if his friends decided to "stand up" for him by punching you in the face because you were threatening to kick his ass all up and down the hallway? What if he had taken you up on that offer and ended up beating you up? This is no way helpful to your friend to put yourself in this position.

As for being with your friends 100% even if they are wrong, that is not right. First off, what if your friends stole something? Would you support them then? What if they decided to beat up another kid or get revenge on someone? Would you support them? Don't do things blindly and don't declare blind allegiance to someone.
   
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Re: Standing up for my friend, BAD? - September 27th 2013, 06:26 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarasa View Post
\
As for being with your friends 100% even if they are wrong, that is not right. First off, what if your friends stole something? Would you support them then? What if they decided to beat up another kid or get revenge on someone? Would you support them? Don't do things blindly and don't declare blind allegiance to someone.
very good reply, thanks! Good points. However i wanted to address this. I think when i said i would support them or behind them 100% i didnt know i wouldnt try to stop her from doing bad things. If she stole something i would talk to her about it, find out way, find out how to stop her, or tell her i cant hang out with her in stores. As for getting in to a fight, again i would find out the reason and try to help her find a better way.

However i wouldnt stop being her friend. Thats a problem i see to much here, that people drop a friend FAST. A friend does something you dont like and they move on find another friend. If your my best friend i am not going to drop you like that just cause i dont agree with you


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