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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
CGuiteau Offline
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Mother pushing me out - October 8th 2013, 08:33 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I apologize in advance for the long post. Skip to the last three paragraphs to get to my immediate problem.

I turned 18 back in December,graduated in June, which is when my mom really wanted me to either get a job, go to school,or take care of the house. I am eager to go to college, so I agreed, and am now enrolled in Palomar College and will start next year. I'll get my Associates degree, then transfer to UC Irvine, and I'm excited. I live with my mom and two younger sisters, age 9 and 2, and watch the youngest while my mom works and make sure my other sister gets ready and gets on the bus to school in the morning. While watching my sister, I'll do the dishes, take out the trash, do my laundry, and occasionally other things like dusting the tv and stand and cleaning our glass table. All in all, I felt like I was contributing, however, my mother doesn't see it that way.

All my life, for one reason or another, my mother has called me lazy,ungrateful,and selfish. She has a short temper and resorts to yelling and berating very quickly. She likes to be passive aggressive, and anytime I try to talk to her with an opinion that doesn't match her own, she yells at me and tells me I'm talking back, arguing, and being disrespectful. This happens with small and negligible things; for example, there could be a question I know the answer to(trivia, or a relative's favorite color) and if my answer is different from hers she will snap at me, tell me I'm wrong, and claim she refuses to argue with me. Then if she's proven wrong, she'll simply shrug and go on like nothing is wrong. If she's right, she'll rub it in my face and tell me I think I know everything. If she's frustrated(at work,in life,with one of my siblings) she'll take it out on me with verbal abuse.

Despite all of this, I've stayed, because she is my mother and I've loved her. Also, I had no real option and even if I did, I was afraid that she would just move from me to my 9 year old sister, who is more sensitive than I am, is young, and would not be able to take it well. However, things happened that have strained the situation.

Around the time I turned 15, my mom began dating someone. After a few months he moved in with us, and they argued frequently. Despite that, a few months later they got married, and then later she told me she was pregnant. I had seen how they were with each other( fights and jealousy, he drank a lot and she drank more than she used to) and I thought this was a bad idea, as it reminded me of growing up with my sister's father and my mother's ex-husband(he liked to punch holes in the wall) but I ultimately had no say. During her pregnancy, my mother was cheated on (her husband is in the Navy, and was on duty in Korea) which caused her to be stressed and have to go on medical leave, as she was having problems with the pregnancy. Since I was home schooled, I tried to pick up the slack and keep her off her feet,like she was supposed to be. She had my sister, and her and her husband decided to work it out. She quit her job( something I also disagreed with,as I was afraid that now we would be dependent on her husband) and stayed home. This only seemed to make the fighting between the two of them worse, because he would complain that she didn't have anything to do all day, so the house should always be clean, and she would argue that taking care of a newborn baby and making sure the bills were paid, as well as taking care of us was a full-time job.

The fights got worse. They would throw things around the house. My sister would get so scared that she would scream, and the baby would cry. I would pick her up and take both of them to my room and turn the tv on, hoping to distract them.My mom once put the baby in my room and just left. I could tell she had been drinking, and I was afraid she would get into a crash, and that I was alone with her husband. Sometimes I would bang on their door,trying to get in, because I was scared they would hurt each other.This went on for a little over a year. Then one night, her husband threw a cell phone at her while she was holding the baby and hit her in the arm. She and the baby cried, the police were called by a neighbor, and CPS got involved. It ended with her husband getting a restraining order placed on him, anger management counseling, and a treatment for his alcoholism. I thought things would turn out okay; my mother found a job, I would watch my sister and go to school, and things would be normal.

But then after two months she let him back in, even though I and my sister were still afraid of him. She said that he had changed, that he didn't drink anymore, and that he should get another chance. It turns out alcohol wasn't the only problem, because they still argued and yelled, only with less throwing of objects. At one point, my mother led me to believe that she was going to kill herself, telling me that whatever happened I need to promise her I would take care of my sisters. This went on for awhile, even after we moved into a new house. Then they got into a big fight, leading him to try and take a present he had gotten me for Christmas two years ago and ending with them smashing each other's tvs. The police got involved a few times. Eventually he moved into some Navy barracks, and my mom decided that was the best place for him. They have only recently started the divorce process, and now he is saying that he's not sure he wants a divorce, which makes me scared that he will come back. After all of this,I'm lacking a lot of trust in my mother, as I don't believe that she'll look out for my sisters' best interests, and she may put them in danger.

Which brings me to last night. We had come home from the gym, and I was placing my sister's food in her high chair so she could eat. I had run the dishwasher earlier that day but hadn't unloaded. There were a few dishes in the sink and then a big bowl that used to have watermelon in it that she put in after she had gotten home. While I was fixing my sister's plate, she told me that it was unacceptable of me to leave clean dishes in the dishwasher, that I had been lounging around all day not doing anything, and that she had no room to make our dinner( we're doing a nutritious diet). I told her that I don't just sit around, and she told me not to argue,yes I did, and that I was lazy. I insisted otherwise and she told me to get out of her sight. I sat on the couch next to the high chair and she told me to get in my room. So I went. I put my IPod in my ears and sat in my room for a few seconds, then went out to get my glass of water. My mom was at the sink, basically saying I was lazy in several different ways, so I headed back to my room, and she yelled at me to take my earphones out when she is talking to me, so I said alright and kept going. She then demanded that I give her my IPod and I told her no.

Normally, I would have just done it. But I was tired from the workout, hungry, and frustrated that she kept calling me names. She asked for it three times and I told her no three times. She then told me to get out of her house, so I said okay and went to get my cell phone to call my grandparents. She told me that I couldn't take the phone because she payed for it, but it has all my relatives' and friends' contact information, and I needed that information. I tried to tell her that, but she immediately tried to take the phone from my hand, then proceeded to grab me and try to get the phone, all the while telling me to give her the phone. I curled my body over my hand and tried to get away, but she kept pulling me back. We backed in to a table, and when I tried to get away from her then, she grabbed the collar of my shirt, and my shirt ripped. She pushed me onto the couch and put her arm around my neck, still telling me to give her the phone. I tried to call someone then, but she kept trying to grab the phone, and I had to stop to keep it from her. She then stood up and told me to get out of her house, and kept pushing me in the back towards the door. Before she closed it, she told me not to come back. I walked down to our driveway and called my grandmother. I was crying by this point. I told her I needed her to come get me, and while I was on the phone with her my mom came outside and told me to get in the house. As I was going inside, she made fun of me for crying, and told me I was feeling sorry for myself. My grandmother called her and they fought. She told her that if she helped me, that she would never see my sisters again. I was in my room packing my things and she told me that I couldn't take anything because it wasn't mine, and she took my laptop( a Christmas present from when I was seventeen) and a basket of my clothes. She said I couldn't leave last night because I have to stay and watch my sister and she's not taking a day off for this. She then says that she works hard and all I am is ungrateful, a user, and all three of her children were peasants. My aunt called her, and my mom told her I was a drama queen and a liar, and that I needed to grow up. She hung up and told me that I was just like her husband, and that I didn't tell anyone what I did to her, only that she hurt me ( I honestly don't know how I could have possibly hurt her, I was trying to run away and never raised my hands at her, kicked her,bit her, nothing). She told me that I could never come back,that I'd never see my sisters again, and she was going to tell them I was the reason they couldn't see their grandparents. I have a dog, and she said they were going to take him to the pound and they were going to kill him.

I don't know what to do. It kills me that I might not be able to see my sisters again, because I helped raise them and I'm afraid what will happen to them, especially because she seems determined to try and poison them against me. My grandmother and aunt live a good thirty minutes away. My mother never taught me how to drive(first she was pregnant,then she was taking care of the baby, then our car had a problem, and when we got a new car and I asked her a few times to take me driving, she said we didn't have time, or she didn't have money for gas, or she would get mad at me and say we'll see,and we never would go. Now my permit has expired) so I can't drive anywhere, and it makes it hard for me to get a job, as you need to have reliable transportation, and when my mother gets mad she wouldn't hesitate to threaten not to take me to my job; she already did the same thing with my counseling appointment for college. She's holding my sisters over my family, so I don't know if they can help me and even if they do, I don't want them to be punished. I don't have any friends that can help me. I'm stuck.
   
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Adam the Fish Offline
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Re: Mother pushing me out - October 8th 2013, 08:52 PM

I'm sorry to hear of your problems - I can relate in a few ways, because my family actually has many of the same problems, except in slightly different circumstances.

To a point, you have a right to start legal proceedings against your mother - from what you describe, she physically assaulted you then blackmailed your grandparents.
Obviously, however, this might not be the best way of going about improving your relationship with her. She sounds pretty difficult to even tolerate, and I don't blame you for anything you did - you, obviously, were not lazy or ungrateful; she, for some reason, caused the problems.

Right now, your situation is very complex, and sorting it out will probably take some substantial time. I would try to get as much help from your extended family as possible, to perhaps get you lessons for driving, get you a job and get you set up. As your sisters grow up, they're fairly likely to come round to see that you're the better person, and hopefully will be open-minded enough to let you see them. I'm not sure about any other legal rights you could have in your country which you could pull in to try to see them sometimes, but it's perhaps worth looking into.

Again, I'm really sorry that your situation has come to this, because you clearly have taken the force of other people's fallouts, through no fault of your own.
I wish you all the best, and any time you want to talk, please feel free to contact me.


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