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My Dad - October 10th 2013, 09:11 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

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So, when I got into high school my depression started to surface and show.
I started self-harming halfway into my freshman year, and eventually, my dad found out. He didn't receive it so well.

He started to verbally abuse me any time I'd mess up, because for some reason, he may have thought that was what would push me to be the person he wanted me to be. He's even gone so far as to tell me he wishes he'd let me die when I fell ill as an infant. It felt like he actually wanted me to be depressed, despite the fact he made it a point to let me know he thought I was faking it, and that it was all in my head.

He would yell at me any time he'd see fresh cuts on my arms and tell me to stop being such a baby and deal with things. Even to this day, he still thinks it's all fake, and that mental illness is all fake. I'd come into his garage at times, and find brand new razors lying out, like he'd accidentally left them there after using them, but as I said, they were new. I feel like he actually wanted me to harm. Like maybe, he wishes I'd just kill myself so he wouldn't have to deal with having a failure for offspring.

I wish I could talk to him and get him to understand it's not fake. I think part of why I don't feel like I deserve to get better, and that I don't feel comfortable talking to people, is because I'm still trapped in the mindset he instilled in me.

I just wish I knew how to let go of that mindset. I've tried, but I just can't seem to do it.
   
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Re: My Dad - October 12th 2013, 09:27 PM

This just may be your Dads way of coping. Although he is going about everything all the wrong ways. Maybe he Figures that if he can't stop you than making you feel horrible about it might discourage you from doing it again. If he didn't care about you and you harming yourself then he wouldn't be so mad about it. If your Dad can't listen to you, maybe talk about going to counseling with him so that he can understand a little more. This will all pass, Just stay strong and know that you aren't alone. You can message me any time you need to talk.


As I stood here, Alone in the rain, I hoped for the best of it to heal my pain.
   
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Re: My Dad - October 13th 2013, 07:49 PM

Is your mom around?

When I was younger my dad and I fought all the time. I had problems with depression so it wasn't hard to get me upset or angry and sometimes I felt like he'd be in a bad mood and just be looking to pick a fight just to blow off steam, I don't think he consciously did that though. He'd just purposefully give me a hard time and make me feel like crap. And for a long time I blamed him, it took me a long time to realize that his problems made him take it out on me. It wasn't fair but it was how it was.

But any how, part of what helped me was to talk to my mom. First when I tried telling her my problem she didn't believe me. She refused to believe that my dad purposefully picking on me and giving me a hard time vs. my brother who he gave all the positive attention too. But she started seeing it, and she got better about defending me and trying to work out the situation.....

Which is why I think it would be good to talk to your mom. It isn't likely she can just stop him because it'd be really hard to be forced to pick sides between your child and your husband, it'd just get her in the middle of it too, but she can try to negotiate more fair agreements and call out your dad when he is being unreasonable.

Hope that helps. Cause it's not fair, espeically if he's going so far to say he wished you'd died when you were a baby.




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
   
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Re: My Dad - October 13th 2013, 10:00 PM

No one in my family really knows where my mom is, or if she's even alive. She's alcoholic and a drug addict. We pretty much avoid her now, because she gets mad at anyone and everyone who doesn't do what she says. My dad's pretty much my only family.
   
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Re: My Dad - October 14th 2013, 10:44 PM

Ok, that's understandable. How about any other adults that are close to the family? Is that an option?




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
   
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Re: My Dad - October 14th 2013, 11:47 PM

I'm not close to anyone in my family. Most of them won't have anything to do with me.
   
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