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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
LRenae Offline
Welcome me, I'm new!
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Name: Lindsey
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Location: United States

Posts: 21
Blog Entries: 2
Join Date: October 20th 2013

Stranger to All - November 5th 2013, 06:56 PM

I have a wonderful family. Truly, I do. Friends? Well, I don't have a lot.

When it comes to friends, I realize that they aren't really my friends at all. I have trouble feeling for others as I have said in previous posts. I pretend feelings are there when they aren't because for some reason, I think that if I pretend long enough, maybe they will actually be there.
I try to get close to people because it would be nice to have at least one person who understands but none of them do. Many of my friends do not know me at all. I am on a different level than they are. Not a better one but a different one. I think differently than they do. I see things that they don't. If I tried explaining to them all what goes on inside of my troubled little mind, they wouldn't understand.
Many of my friends concentrate on nonsense and this, I cannot stand.

Sometimes, I wish I could be like others. I wish I could feel like they do. They love so easily. They live so easily. Then again, I am proud of being who I am because I notice things that most do not see.
My family has always understood most of me. They listen and support. I should consider myself lucky because some aren't as fortunate. I love them.

Still, there is a part of me that I refuse to show to all. This part of me is hidden and only I know that it exists. I suppose in that regard, that part of me will always remain alone. It consists of darkness and shallowness.
Sometimes, I feel as if there is hole in my heart.
My friends will be speaking but I refuse to listen. I will pretend to show compassion and support but inside, I feel nothing for them. What has happened to me? I wasn't always like this.
Sometimes, I just want stillness and silence. I just want time alone with my thoughts. I don't understand what has happened to me. I wish I could make friends that understood. Just one person. Just one.
I feel like a stranger because most do not know me. They claim that they do and on the inside, I find this funny. They only know the person I show to them. I mislead all of them into thinking that I'm someone when I'm someone else. I do it to not get asked questions for I do not have any answers. I pretend I care. I pretend to love. Yet, I'm convinced that I'm not able to.
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Chris Offline
Outside, huh?
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Name: Chris
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Location: Illinios

Posts: 4,247
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Join Date: November 28th 2011

Re: Stranger to All - November 6th 2013, 05:25 AM

Hi Lindsey,

Well, if I can say so, that was a very deep thread. First off, I'm glad that you're able to write/type all this down, to pin-point the issue, and your feelings (which most have a problem doing).

When I was alittle younger (15-16), I didn't act like that age. Nor did I think like that age. I had different feelings, different emotions, and certainly a different lifestyle with different experiences. I found myself making stories up to feel normal. I found myself agreeing with others, being supportive, and acting like I cared about certain people when I really didn't. However, I wanted to have a sense of friendship, belonging to someone, and having someone to rely on. I was at that point determined to change things. I started a series of counseling sessions to find out what was going on, and I left many groups of friends, and I kept trying to find 'someone' and 'something'. It took until my junior year to find a group of friends that I instantly connected to without making a 'fake self'.

Luckily after a year or so of counseling, I began to think, and feel different. I realize that the reason I feel the way I feel, think the way I think, and making a fake person and show that to other people, was because I wasn't happy with myself, and I wasn't happy with where things were in my life at the time. After understanding things fully, and processing it for over a year, things change. Now, I won't say they all went away. I still find myself thinking not 'abnormally', but I can usually get myself back on track quickly.

So, what is my point? My point is don't settle for what you got. Don't settle for where you are in life right now. Seek new friendships, seek an answer, and if you really want to; seek change.

Best wishes,

I hope you know that you deserve it all. The best, the most honest, the most beautiful purest love in the world. Not only to be loved by others, but to be loved by yourself. To look in the mirror and think "Yes, I'm exactly who I want to be". To speak up and be proud of yourself. To be brave and open. You deserve the nicest and most caring people to walk into your life. You deserve it all, you know. The whole world...
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