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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Xurayesu Offline
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Name: Ellison
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I stood up to my father - November 21st 2013, 08:31 AM

This morning I argued with my mother about a misplaced object and suddenly my father comes in an asks if I found it and I told him I'd tell him if I find it. He asks me when I'll find it which is something we can't determine and I said I'll find it when I see it. It was the only reply there was. If I hadn't answered it I would still be considered rude, then he shoved me really hard (he hasn't physically hurt me in a long time), becomes aggressive, starts yelling, and is pointing his finger at my face when he's right in front of me.

Screaming, he tells me he was ignoring me because I was disrespectful to him and my mother and said that I wanted to leave the house. I oddly calm and said I never asked that question and that applies to everyone and asked him if hitting his own flesh and blood was polite. Then he tells me I'm being "wise" with him and I should respect my elders. Respect is what gets to him the most. He never listens to reason and is afraid of being wrong. Because of him, I used to be aggressive and handle situations the wrong way. After that my sister and I were dropped off to school and that was it.

After 8 years I did it. I don't exactly know how to feel about all of this, I've always seen him as the tyrant and was afraid of him. He has a history of physical abuse with my sister and I and almost got adopted because of him I can never really get close to him because he can shift from being happy to extremely angry so I have to keep my distance from him in terms of emotion. I felt strong, anxious, at the moment and disappointed with the fact that my father didn't change much. I want to be closer to my family but I don't know if I can because of our differences.


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Re: I stood up to my father - November 21st 2013, 09:13 PM

Hey there, Ellison.

I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're currently in. I have been in similar situations with my mother, so I can relate to your current situation. When I was younger, I also wanted to be closer to my family, but it seemed that every time I made some sort of progress, my mother destroyed it. My family became dysfunctional due to verbal and physical abuse - but I persevered through it. How? Well, I learned from a wise friend (a social worker), that some things are out of my hands. For example, my mothers abusive personality shouldn't determine who I become, or make me adopt her features. I also learned, that as I get older, the opportunity to have a connected and healthy family will increase. Typically when we are children (or younger teens), our parents don't allow us to contribute or be active in our family lifestyle/choices. However as we reach an older age (17+), you may find that they start to include you, and your thoughts/feelings on matters. When they start to include you, that's when you're able to become closer to your family (because they are allowing you the option to participate in the actual family decisions/discussions).

My point is, continue to stand up for yourself, but don't over due it to the point where your life becomes at risk, or you severely escalate the situation. If you feel things are severely getting out of hand, I would contact your local child services, or law enforcement agency. Luckily you have something to look forward too - getting older, and having the chance to become a positive influence in the family (where your opinion, thoughts, and feelings are actually considered). In the meantime, I recommend you (and possibly your sister) attend meetings with your school counselor or social worker. This will provide you with several benefits including venting/releasing all those build up feelings and emotions, and providing you with beneficial tips/advice to deal with your father.


Best wishes,
Chris


Chris
I hope you know that you deserve it all. The best, the most honest, the most beautiful purest love in the world. Not only to be loved by others, but to be loved by yourself. To look in the mirror and think "Yes, I'm exactly who I want to be". To speak up and be proud of yourself. To be brave and open. You deserve the nicest and most caring people to walk into your life. You deserve it all, you know. The whole world...
   
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Xurayesu Offline
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Smile Reply - November 23rd 2013, 07:22 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris. View Post
Hey there, Ellison.

I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're currently in. I have been in similar situations with my mother, so I can relate to your current situation. When I was younger, I also wanted to be closer to my family, but it seemed that every time I made some sort of progress, my mother destroyed it. My family became dysfunctional due to verbal and physical abuse - but I persevered through it. How? Well, I learned from a wise friend (a social worker), that some things are out of my hands. For example, my mothers abusive personality shouldn't determine who I become, or make me adopt her features. I also learned, that as I get older, the opportunity to have a connected and healthy family will increase. Typically when we are children (or younger teens), our parents don't allow us to contribute or be active in our family lifestyle/choices. However as we reach an older age (17+), you may find that they start to include you, and your thoughts/feelings on matters. When they start to include you, that's when you're able to become closer to your family (because they are allowing you the option to participate in the actual family decisions/discussions).

My point is, continue to stand up for yourself, but don't over due it to the point where your life becomes at risk, or you severely escalate the situation. If you feel things are severely getting out of hand, I would contact your local child services, or law enforcement agency. Luckily you have something to look forward too - getting older, and having the chance to become a positive influence in the family (where your opinion, thoughts, and feelings are actually considered). In the meantime, I recommend you (and possibly your sister) attend meetings with your school counselor or social worker. This will provide you with several benefits including venting/releasing all those build up feelings and emotions, and providing you with beneficial tips/advice to deal with your father.


Best wishes,
Chris
Thanks, that helped me a lot.


The tongue has no bones, but is strong enough to break a heart.
   
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