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Me: My Father's Therapist - December 7th 2013, 09:56 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hi. I'm a senior in high school. Girl.
I'm almost out of my house. Things are being noticed now, when they havent been before I was 13. Taken as average. My parents have been together since they were 18. Too long. My friends dont want to hear about my stories. I want a therapist but my parents dont want me to get one. Yet, my mother told me to go fix myself two minutes Ago. Today, i sat at the table commenting on things my father made me feel because i figured, well, say what you need to say, and they ignored me. Maybe because I've been a "b**ch" to them? I'll tell you why.
My mother has thrown things at me, and I always knew how to duck and fight her. Weve been in physical fights, sometimes just because I dont keep "my homework area" clean. She's stomped on my stuff out of fury and ripped things. Once, I didn't know what to do so I slapped/hit her chest to stop and she kept going. That made me think I was attracted to boobs for awhile, or maybe I was a pervert, I don't know why it took a toll on me. I told her I never felt like a girl, just a person. She tried to help me and ask me why but I feel as though she wants to know everything about me yet never actually does anything. When I was alone with my father and brother, I was often, I felt singled out. I was the girl, they'd talk about chicks in front of me, man to man. He's exposed me to racism and making fun of mentally retarded people. I used to have stomach issues and admited a deep longtime feeling, that I wanted to kill myself, and told my mother that, and all she said was "Too Bad. Not my fault." If you want my honest opinion, she never knew how to communicate. Neither my father. I've never recieved any mental clarity from either of them. She stares and laughs at me. They used to both pick on us in public and laugh at us. My father has screamed at us in public, I've knocked over a pizza tray in a restuarant in public out of pure aprehension and anxiety, because none of it was going to end.
My parents say I don't ACTUALLY know them, yet, I have to be wholly open with them. I know I'm living with strangers.
There was a big incident I remember quite vividly and there was so much screaming my brother and I were confused and my mother took 500 dollars out of the account and went shopping with us while my father stayed at the house and laughed histerically. We were scared of my father by the time he came home. And he screamed Why Jesus did you turn my kids against me? Ive always felt threatened by him. I hide when he comes home, hide my boobs and stuff because hes openly talked about my mothers huge boobs in front of us. I know that fear of your parents creates resentment. I think thats what happened.
That day my mom talked about moving somewhere else with us. We were ten for crying out loud. Shes talked about divorce thrice. None of those times she brought it up with my father. Just with us. bring us into her shit. And she never did one thing. Never divorced. "BUT I love him I love him" He's a sexist and racist asshole, mother he makes fun of you all the time. I started to think that was what all love was like. Her excuse was if they were divorced i would need to go over his house alone. Without her there. I would get so honest to god excited when she would say we were leaving and then she sat on her ass and did nothing.
I thought I was crazy because I wanted to leave my own father. Lately I've fantasized kicking him in the face really hard, or him dying. Im so confused because people dont want their fathers to die. I wish I never knew him.
I havent been able to date and I dont know if its because of him. I feel imprisoned. Sometimes I feel like his slave even though Im not required to work for him. He owns me financially, he knows that. Hes used money on me more than any girl I know. He thinks he's going to buy me love or something stupid like that I can tell. He constantly reminds me I dont own anything. I feel like his weird wife he beats although hes never hit me and buys her everything the world has to offer. I told him to stop buying me stuff but he says "Make me happy let me buy you things" and he says "You're going to miss us teasing you when you leave to college" and "im so glad you have cholesterol problems just like me". He says im dramatic, swears, tells me to shut up. if I talk to him he goes right over me and repeats what he just said, and my mother interrupts me the same. They fight everday. How can they love each other I dont understand.
Every family game i was forced to partake in turned into constant insults from my father: Slut, ho, nit, insulting my boss, my acne. Competition eats him up. Needs to win, needs to be right.
Ive tried to diagnose him with disease after disease. I wanted him to go into a hospital but my mother said he would never dare, she wouldnt make him. He's so paranoid he doesn't even take shots or medicine or drink town water. He's a clean freak. Hes burned my cousins socks in the fire because they were dirty. My cousins hated him and hated my brother and I.
He was rough with us as children. He cleaned our ears out with cutips so hard I wanted him to stop. Because I am angry with him, I by accidentally pulled up a memory of him washing my private part and can't forget it. Do parents do this I would really like to know? Like inside-ish.. Do you know what I mean? Maybe he didnt know that doesnt have to be cleaned? I dont think he would do this.. yet..? My brother asked me if he could wash me at a very young age. I started to "touch/explore" at seven. My mother tild me to stop but i didnt. She didnt get me help. does this matter at all? I'm so. so. sorry I have to tell you this.
After all that, my mother told me she would prevent my brother from turning into him and now he is him. My biggest heartbreak. She wonders why I hate her. (If i tell her something, she forgets in the next two weeks). My brother blames me for the familys problems and says nothing to me. We used to be best friends. My mother wants me to conform to them and hates the fact that I dont care what they think about me. I'm independent and trying so hard to be strong away from them. She tries to tear that away from me.. Its an insult to her. I need peace from screaming. She doesnt like how different I am from her. She's always needed my father. And is too scared of asking my father to get a job.
I acted as my fathers therapist for a month, tried it, figured out he was brutally beaten and all the things hes told me made me scared of the world. his mother stood and watched him get beaten and his brothers were too. I cant handle his shit. Why did i try to let him in it just hurts. everytime. my mother begs me to try. Then says Im not trying. They tell me stories to make me scared, but my mother says I need to know.

*WHAT I dont understand*: Am I wrong? Am I wrong. Am I wrong to ignore them. My mother thinks I won't come back to visit her because shes still with my father. I dont want them to meet my husband if I get one. Im afraid he'll turn into my father, too. Please what do I do.. Im stuck. They wont listen I explained what he was doing to my brain and my heart and she hasnt done a thing. My brother slipped away.
Im going crazy im becoming like him too. i need it too stop before its too late. Im already parts of both of them and I HATE that i am.
There are other stories, but i'll stop. Ive written them down.
You may save me, my sanity. Im not trying to be dramatic. Never.
Thank you
   
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Re: Me: My Father's Therapist - December 8th 2013, 01:05 AM

Have you turned 18 yet, or are you still a minor? Are there any minors living in your parents' home? If so, you can call CPS/DCFS (the name will vary based on where you live, but it's essentially child and family protective services). You may not have tangible proof of the abuse you've experienced, but if you can tell someone your story... someone who is actually in a position to intervene... then you can get help. Your parents may not want to accept help, but you can't do anything about that. The only person you have any control over is yourself - if you don't want to end up like your parents (who ended up like their parents... at least, in your father's case), then you need to begin taking those steps to seek help.

I am truly, truly sorry for what you've endured. No, you're not wrong for feeling this way. I imagine most people would experience these feelings and have these urges if they were in your position. There is cycle of abuse in your family, and it CAN be broken. There is still hope for you, but you need to believe there's hope and trust that there are people who want to help you. There's so much going on here, and it's going to take time to process it all with the people who want to help you. Be patient with yourself and with them, but DO advocate for yourself. If someone doesn't listen to you, then call another person, and another, and another, until you get in touch with a police officer, social worker, etc. who is willing to listen AND take action on your behalf.






   
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abuse, anger, brother, emotional abuse, family, father, fighting, help me, life story, mental abuse, mental problems, mother, therapist, verbal abuse

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