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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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HockeyGoalie30 Offline
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Parental Problem - December 10th 2013, 10:35 PM

Hey guys, I really want some kinda of advice about this problem. It isn't a problem with my parents, it's a problem between my parents.

It's really hard to describe everything, but I'll try my best.

This kinda all started 4 years ago, or at least when things seemed to head down hill. My dad has always been a motorcycle nut, he loves them, but mom never let him get one outta fear for his safety. He kinda hit a male menopause thing and finally got one. For like the next year the gifts/spending on us took a dive for all the bike stuff, which isn't a crime, but just kinda odd how it happened. I literally felt like he liked the bike more than me, he was obsessed with it.--Now to add to this me and my dad haven't had that close a relationship, the only time we really spend together is going to get groceries, and the odd game playing Battlefield. He says it's cause he shares no interests with me.-- Anyway, this just kept getting worse as time went on. He also regains his interest in photography, needing a $800 camera and buying $1000's worth of accessories for it. Another thing that lowered spending on us, or the house etc...

About 3 years ago our 27 year old furnace started to make a huge bang literally shaking the house. I googled the problem, it sounds like it's gas building up and exploding when the pilot light ignites. Me and mom have been after him ever since to replace the furnace. He says we don't have the money.

Fast forward to last year. He took out savings, when he usually does every year. We got like $7000 or something like that. He pushes me into getting a motorcycle, Which is a pretty dang good gift, and I appreciate. But I don't have nearly the interest he has in motorcycles, and thought It'd be better to learn how to ride, and see if I like it first.(To his credit, we got a insane deal on it.)

This has been something he has started to kind of hold over my head. He said he'd pay for me to take a saftey course for it. I ended up paying. (I know I'm coming across like a spoiled brat, which I am :3, but it's the point that he said he would). Also I cannot get my license until I learn to ride it. But I cant learn unless I'm riding with him, which he never asks me to do and is always working.

Also work for him has become hell for us. He was #1 go to guy in his area, was basically the foreman they didn't have. He got kinda screwed outta being the foreman and another guy got the job. This guy is a complete jerk(being nice), I've worked for him too, and I hated him, and he was alright to me. In my dad's first review with him, he told my dad to close the door and ran him right down, saying "You're the biggest dogf----r I've ever seen and a bad influence on the crew". Now this was 1 man's opinion and it wasn't shared by anybody in the company, he is just a a-hole boss. But 2 years later, dad's a foreman and STILL complains almost daily about that. He CANNOT let it go. That's just the really short version of all that.

Anyway, the last year or so it's becoming unbearable... Mom is almost to the point of walking out, for a vacation to my Gramma's, to get away from the stress. He is ALWAYS complaining about the past at work, and wont let ANYTHING go. My mom went to her doctor and asked what she should do about it, and the doctor said to try and get him to go in and talk about it. But the doctor can't talk bring that subject up due to privacy issues. And I don't think my Dad realizes that this is even a problem, never mind how bad. But no matter what we say about any of that kind of stuff, he just replies and doesn't listen. Me or mom could say "We should go see a movie" (which he wont do-Spend time with us) he'll say "We could" and 20 min later he'll repeat exactly what we said as his idea(Sorry for poor wording, basically he just doesn't listen to us, and sometimes repeats us telling us whatever we said as his idea/story)

Right now this furnace thing and Christmas are front and center. 3-4 years of this furnace exploding and now not running(3 times in the past 5 days) in -20 Celsius or below temperature we're are literally begging to get it replaced, but he says he doesn't have the money. Which we know is a lie because he has a line of credit, credit card, and a band account that could cover it at any time. Now I agree Christmas makes it kinda tougher, but we need heat and comfortable living rather than gifts. Also Dad want's a bike lift that's $400(although he has a bike jack already). Which is great, can finally get something for him. Mom asks for a $300 circulation thing(not sure what it is, but she has diabetes, and blood pressure issues) and he says "But that thing is like $300!!!!!".

I haven't covered all points, but basically kinda sums up into he's living like a bachelor, instead of taking care of his family. Mom has no access to his money(He makes over 100K, so he isn't poor), so mom has to run off her money which she gets like $1500 a month from disability. Dad will just randomly go out and buy $600 of camera stuff, but I ask to go get a $15 pair of gloves, no chance he pays for it.

I'm not sure how to handle it. I'm just scared that my parent's will split. And I know they love each other. But dad has some issues, some of which he knows about(depression) but won't do anything about. I know I'm not entitled to have money spent on. But when he wants mom to spend 1/3 of her cheque on his gift, but won't spend 1/10 of his on her gift. Or replace our 30 year old furnace that explodes and doesnt run AND leaks gas. Something seems kinda wrong.

I'd(or mom would) love to approach him and tell him about these problems/issues, but he'll just get into an argument, and the more we want something done/fixed, the less chance there is of it getting done.

Am I completely off base here, or what can I do?

(/end comma splices and bad sentence structure :P)


Edit: If any clarification or more detail is needed anywhere I can provide it.
   
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Re: Parental Problem - December 11th 2013, 04:24 AM

This is a tricky situation, since your father is the only person who brings in money through work. The way I see it, you have a few options:

1) Use your mom's money (from disability) to take care of essential needs.
2) Get a job and use that money to take care of essential needs.
3) Sell things that aren't essential (such as your motorcycle) and use that money to take care of essential needs.
4) Give your father an ultimatum (which may lead to more conflict, but may also be the "eye-opener" he needs in order to change).
5) Explore your legal options (which may or may not involve speaking to a divorce attorney/lawyer).

I completely feel for you, because my parents are divorced. It's not a pleasant experience for anyone; however, your mom needs to think about what's best for the ENTIRE family. If your father is going to withhold financially (and essentially neglect his wife and children), then something needs to be done. If you don't do anything to change the situation, then guess what? The situation won't change. Talk to your mom about what the two of you can do to support each other and ensure your future will be a brighter one. Maybe your father will "get with the program," and maybe he won't... but either way, you'll be working toward improving your life.






   
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Re: Parental Problem - December 11th 2013, 04:46 AM

Thanks for the reply. It is a tough situation. 1 is kinda tough since gotta save for a few months but possible. 2 is also tough for me with other commitments. 3 that would work, but anything of higher value is in my dad's name(ie all vehicles but mine). 4 we are almost going to do to try and change things. 5 obviously would be last thing we would do.

We have a really supporting family that would help, but don't want to basically humiliate my dad. I'd love to get him to go talk to his doctor, or something. But it's a hard topic to just bring up and say "Hey, you should..."

The toughest part is he knows he's depressed or something like that, but he won't go to a doctor saying "I don't have any time outside of work". But that's largely because he refuses to turn down overtime and say he has somethign he has to do(it's a pretty flexible job).
   
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