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Inescapable Offline
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Could it just be that I'm actually the bully here? - December 11th 2013, 08:28 PM

There is this girl I met last year, she moved a few doors down from me last year. Because we're neighbors, we got the opportunity to hang out a couple times a week and hang out at a park nearby our houses. Within two months, apparently I was her "best friend" and although I had no desire to, I was obligated to call her the same. She was one of the sweetest girls I ever met - she seemed polite, caring and really nice on the surface.

One day, we decided to play "truth or dare" just to get to know each other better. And the truth came out - she indirectly called me ugly, by saying "you'd be so pretty if you didn't have a big nose! It's just a tad ugly, but you're so pretty!" I was a bit thrown off by this, I hadn't known her for even a few months and already she was telling me things even my best of friends never mentioned?

Things like this continue - subtle insults toward me, trying to make herself feel good about herself. She is the most insecure person I have ever met. She hates how she looks, she complains about her perfect grades, and basically claims to hate her life. I know what that's like - I've been battling insecurity for a long time and I'm trying to recover - she's not helping me with the process.

Another thing is - it's literally so one-sided. All she does is talk about her problems with this boy. 24/7, I'm stuck listening and giving her advice about her boy issues, and no matter how much I don't want to listen, I try to offer advice or just an ear to listen. And just one time, literally one time, I brought up an issue of mine and just casually, I asked "if you get tired of hearing about this let me know!" And she nodded and said, "well.. kinda.." and went back to her boy problems.

Next thing, that really blows my mind - So I mentioned we're neighbors, right? Well so she goes to high school and I'm a freshman in college (living at home.) So senior year of high school, we were supposed to have a friend write a letter to us and then come pick it up in the fall. So basically, since she goes to the high school anyway, I asked her if she could pick it up for me. When I got the envelope, it was so conveniently ripped so that she could take the letter out and read it. Now I am 99% sure she read it based off of my investigation, but I can't call her out because this cannot be 100% proven. But I feel like I can safely say she did. She also needs to know about how my friendship with my other friends are, she needs to find out about my relationships with my other friends.

The other day, I got something in the mail and she wouldn't leave me alone about what it was. I WAS SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

She's the type of person who only cares about her own time. She makes plans to hang out with me, and then cancels last minute. I've also canceled many of my personal plans to hang out with her and she still ends up canceling. She finds her time much more valuable than mine. Also, if she asks me if I want to hang out and I really am busy, she will cry and complain to me about how I'm avoiding her.

I've tried to tell her several times - I've been telling her all these problems I have with her the nice way. But she cries every single time I bring something up - it's like that Seinfeld episode where Jerry's trying to tell his stuck up insecure clingy friend that he needs more space. I feel so uncomfortable because I don't want to hurt her feelings.

She doesn't have many friends and she would get so depressed - I have an extremely huge issue with guilt and I'm so scared to sit there and watch her cry. On Monday, I tried to sort of stand up for myself in more harsher, blunt terms, and instead of getting the hint, she cried and is continuing to constantly message me. And if I can't hang out, apparently I'm avoiding her and being a bad person.

This makes me very uncomfortable, I'm struggling with depression, I don't ever get to see any of my other friends and I've barely got any time for myself. I've been struggling with my own thoughts of suicide and my anxiety level is awful. I have far too much to deal with than to worry about this, and I just feel weird having someone so clingy around. I'm not used to it - usually I'm the clingy friend - and this isn't even some sweet girl who just wants to be my friend. I literally feel like this won't work out even if she stops being clingy.

She claims she's going through a rough time, I am TERRIFIED to block her off all communication because she will HURT herself. I can't deal with this guilt. I don't want to add to her sadness, but she's adding to mine..

BUUUUUT here's where my "bullying" comes in:

I keep talking to her about it. I go from telling her that I want to be friends, to telling her I don't want to be friends. I keep messing with her emotions. I keep messing around because everytime I tell her I don't want to be friends,I end up feeling guilty and taking it back.

I have literally made it so that she doesn't trust me anymore because I keep going back and forth. I keep breaking it to her, she cries, I tell her nevermind, then I do the same thing.

I have made her miserable.

And then sometimes I fear that I'm magnifying what she did to me.

I'm not sure.

I have major guilt issues and this is causing me too much anxiety

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Re: Could it just be that I'm actually the bully here? - December 11th 2013, 08:49 PM

Sounds like you two are feeding off of each other's emotions. I wouldn't call your behavior "bullying," per se. It can difficult to follow through with the decision to end a relationship (friendly or romantic)... I've seen plenty of people "break up" with their partners, then get back together soon afterward out of guilt, concern, doubt, etc.

You've listed a lot of "cons" here, so it seems clear to me that ending the friendship is in your best interests. The question is, what needs to change in order for you to be able to follow through? You said you have other friends that you haven't been making time for... what if you decided to spend more time with them instead? Would having their company help you to hold firm in your decision to end the friendship?

For me, when I was in a similar situation, it helped to think about all the good things I would gain from ending the friendship. I allowed myself to really get lost in the fantasy of how much better my life would be... how much free time I would have to do what I wanted, with the people I wanted. Guess what? It wasn't easy to end the friendship, BUT once I started living my life the way I wanted to, I found that I didn't feel terribly guilty about ending the friendship. In fact, I regretted NOT ending the friendship sooner, because I was having so much fun without that negative influence in my life!

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Re: Could it just be that I'm actually the bully here? - December 13th 2013, 09:31 PM

Thank you so much for answering! I appreciate the response.

I'm just really bad with handling guilt. :/ I don't know what to do.
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