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Lionheart Offline
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Unhappy How can I help my mum? - December 22nd 2013, 10:01 PM

Well, I have like the best mum ever. She has always been there for me and my brother and helped me through some really dark times.
About a year ago my grandpa had an accident and his condition is really bad. He will never be able to come home again and he does not recognize any of us anymore. Most of the time he does not even realize, anyone is talking with him and instead talks to the ceiling all the time. plus he can't really move and my grandma is not really healthy too. It never was a problem, but since my grandpa is not there to help her anymore, my mum has to do everything. She has to help her go to bed, shower her drive her to all her appointments, tidy up her home and just everything. And she has to do so much at work and all the house work and cooking for our family and it's just to much for her!
Everytime I try to help her though, she tells me I should concentrate on my studys or have fun with my friends and that I should not bother. She just does not want me to help her, because she does not want to burden me with her problems.
I have the feeling I'm the only one who sees it. My brother is just compleatelly ignorant and even has the guts to say he does not want to, if she asks him to just take his cloths to his room and my uncle always expects her, to be there for my grandma and help her with everything. It's like he does not understand she has a life of here own! And he acts as if it's no big deal and just takes it for granted that my mum does all those things. I used to really like my uncle but recently I've started to hate him.
My dad is the only one my mum shows how much all of that really gets to her, but he his at work the whole day so she only can talk to him in the evening. She does not want to take support from me, or let me help her. When she strats to cry, she turns away and leaves the room and hides it, but I can hear it in her voice when she is talking and I can hear when she slames the door at night when she comes home from my grandma and is just so angry and frustrated.

I'm just sick of hearing her cry and slam these doors. We used to be really close and it hurts so much to not be able to do anything, 'cause even if I help she blames herself for burdening her problems on me. I can't take it anymore! Please can anybody tell me, how I can help her, without making her feel bad? Just, anything I could say or do.
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Re: How can I help my mum? - December 22nd 2013, 10:21 PM


I'm really sorry - I can understand how you feel to a degree, because my grandparents certainly require a large amount of care, and it can be quite stressful.

The problem seems to be for you that your relationship with your mum is suffering a lot, and I'd suggest that communication is one of the best ways to go about fixing it. It sounds like you've already tried talking a bit, but if your mum doesn't talk long enough for you to get everything across, you could consider actually writing her a letter. Tell her in it that you see the strain and pressure she's under, how you want to help, and how you miss the close relationship you had. You can write it all down, give it to her, and invite her to talk to you. It means she'll know everything you want to say, and you can make sure it sounds as you want it to.

In terms of the actual care, I'm unsure what options are available in Germany: I know that we get NHS Carers who look after the elderly or disabled here in the UK, I don't know if there's any equivalent sort of opportunity where you live?

I do wish you the best of luck, though, and I hope you can find a way to renew your relationship with your mum. Well done, though, on being so caring. It's very good of you to want to help so much, and I hope you can find a way to do so.

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Re: How can I help my mum? - December 24th 2013, 05:34 PM


Well, talking is a bit of a problem with me. I tried talking with her, yes, but appart from the fact that she does not really listen, I'm no good with talking either. Especially when it comes to feelings and such. The letter seems to be a good idea though. Thanks for that!

Well, we do have some options, but my grandma does not want any strangers in the house. I can understand that to some extend, afterall she is old and fragil and can't defend herself and noone likes to rely on compleat strangers and since my uncle takes her side and is all like 'Oh, but it's perfectly fine like it is now, so why change anything?' my mum does not want to press the issue. She does not want to cause any of the two trouble.

Thank you! I hope so.
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