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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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My guy friend... - January 4th 2014, 07:26 AM

So, first I think I should explain what happened a few years ago. Basically, my best friend was this guy. We were closer than ever. Then I went through a brief relationship. And he entered into one as well.
His girlfriend is a very nice person, but she was horribly insecure and I think jealous of me. By the end of a couple of months, she decided she didn't want him talking to me anymore. And this guy, who's been my best friend for three years (and who I'd briefly had feelings for in the middle), decides to go along with it. So basically, I spent all of last summer crying over my best-est friend. And frankly, it hurt more than a relationship might have, 'cuz I always thought friendships were supposed to 'last', which a relationship might not.
They broke up after a year of dating and I am no longer his friend. We talk sometimes, but I've lost my respect for him.
The point was, this was/is my state of mind and this thing really screwed me up.
Last year, I met this guy. He was arrogant, egotistical and damn sarcastic. But now he's one of my closest friends. And sometimes I feel he genuinely does care about me, that he won't leave me. Touch wood.
But I'm a stupid girl, and I may have developed feelings for him. Now he's in a relationship. So I'm getting suffering from both ends, that he's a guy friend in a relationship, and that I may like him.
What can/should I do to feel better?
Sorry for the long post.


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Re: My guy friend... - January 4th 2014, 06:16 PM

Hey there! I'm sorry your first friendship ended the way it did. Unfortunately, some people (especially younger people) will make unreasonable sacrifices in order to "save" their romantic relationships. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do... I would probably lose respect for a friend who did that as well.

So what can you do? Learn from the experience. Is history repeating itself with your second friendship? Before you answer that question, I think it's important to break this complex issue down so you can address every aspect of it.

First, there's the question of whether or not you're falling in love with your friend. If you believe you are, then you'll need to decide how to address your feelings. You could tell him how you feel, but that might lead to some serious consequences (e.g., your friend feeling awkward and ending the friendship). You could express yourself privately (e.g., writing in a journal) and wait for him to be single before sharing how you feel (which, again, might not necessarily lead to a romantic relationship). You could also wait a while longer to see if this is just a fleeting crush (or a case of "wanting what you can't have").

Next, there's the question of what you would do if your friend (or his girlfriend) felt there was a conflict of interests. Your second friend isn't necessarily going to do what your first friend did, so don't assume the worst when it hasn't happened! It also can't hurt to think about what you do if something along those lines happened, though. Would you argue against your friend's decision and make a case for why he shouldn't throw your friendship away? Would you accept his decision without argument and "move on"? Would you accept his decision and try to rekindle the friendship further down the road? How would you cope with a loss of that nature (e.g., spending time with other friends, distracting yourself with fun activities).

Finally, there's the question of how you would handle a "rejection" from your friend. It's clear that you don't want to spend another summer crying over a lost friendship, so start thinking about how you can cope more effectively. I've "been there, done that," and one thing I found to be helpful was rationalizing what happened. Yes, it's important to process your feelings, but it also helps to look at the problem from more than one angle. For example, you could ask yourself, "Why did he end our friendship, which was supposed to last for 'forever'?" You could conclude, "Something is wrong with me," and that would be one angle. You could also conclude, "He's weak and can't stand up to his girlfriend," which would be another angle. As you keep looking for new angles, you will begin to find explanations that may be more comforting. For example, you could conclude, "Many friendships DON'T last 'forever,' so while I'm not happy about this, I also know it's not the end of the world and not worth getting so worked up about. I'll find other friends soon enough, if I 'go out' more instead of sulking in my room all summer long."

I wish you all the best! Feel free to keep us updated on your situation. =)






   
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