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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
toxifera opsis Offline
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Over Protective Mother - February 7th 2014, 11:48 PM

First, I would like to say I am even scared that she will find this forum on this website because of how protective she is. I am 20 years old, and I am about to have my graduate with a Bachelors. (Went to college in my senior year, have been taking 5 classes a semester)

A little about me. TOTALLY straightedge. Love metal music. Never in trouble with the law...or anyone. And I have a full time job of two years now.

I can't type it all out, there is too much. I'll begin when I was in the 10th grade. I went to therapy for social anxiety...the sever type. And my mother every time I got out of therapy she would beg me to tell her if I was talking smack about her in the room, and beg the therapist to tell her what I was saying. She told me I was ungrateful because I couldnt be open by telling her what I was talking about with the woman.

I get UTIs a lot, and I went to Urgicare to get medication. She left the waiting room for a moment (this was a few weeks ago even) and when she came back I was already in the office getting the pee test done. When I came out she was hysterical, she was demanding the woman at the desk that she should be in the room with me, and that she needs to see me because I was in distress or something? Whatever she said to the lady.

I don;t get my period, so I have to go to the OBGYN to get medication to begin my cycle every month. I don;t let her into the room, I don't want her to know I am sexually active (remind you, I am 20, and I lost my virginity at 19.....like common at least I waited til Im an adult hahah)
And all the staff was surprised that the doctor didnt give me a pap test, which he told me that his policy was to wait til I am 21. She announced to the whole room that I was a virgin, and that she went on and on about it for hours saying how rude everyone was that they didnt respect that I was a virgin and she kept parading around the mall saying it out loud....quite embarrassing.

I have no friends because of here. ABSOLUTELY NONE. When I had a birthday party, she had to sit down there with me (18 year old party) and every time I would talk she would call me up stairs and discuss what I was talking about what inappropriate and rude and that I shouldn't share information like that about myself. All I said was that I was rich, which is a lie because I only make like 10 grand a year before tax. When I had my first boyfriend of 2 years I was not allowed to sit in my room. (door open of course) I had to sit in the living room, and she sat at her computer which was 5 feet away from us. She would listen and comment to all of our convos. Ultimately I began to lie about going over his house.

We broke up when I was 19, and now I am dating someone else.
She doesn't know I sleep over his house, and quite honestly we don;t do anything....and I mean it. The friends I have now are surprised at how little we do.

Last night she stood at the door for ten minutes and waited to see who was picking me up. I left my phone in my pocket for about 1 hour after he picked me up because he took me out to eat....to which I came back to ...I shit you not...

13 phone calls, 18 texts, 3 Facebook messages, and 4 voice mails.

This isnt the first time shes flipped out on me.

I pay my own phone bill, and she still looks through my phone. She also looks through my room about 3 times a week, looking for whatever she can find.

Ok I am don't ranting...I just wanted to let you know what i am dealing with.
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Re: Over Protective Mother - February 8th 2014, 02:46 AM

Since you are a legal adult, she can't look through your phone without your consent, so you need her to make sure of that. She is legally allowed to check your room however, since I'm assuming you live in her house. Other things also apply on both sides of this, but she can't force you to stay in the house if you say you're going to someone else's house. That is your decision alone.


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Re: Over Protective Mother - February 8th 2014, 08:31 PM

#1 Put a password on your phone! Enough said, my dad did similar crap where he'd try to look through my emails and stuff, he insisted on knowing my facebook password too but I said to F off. My dad had a reason: when I was 11 I was talking to someone online and we emailed too and I think he found out and thought it was sketchy and hung onto that. But I changed my passwords, yes, he was mad for a while because he wanted to look and I just said no, I said I wasn't going anything he needed to worry about and that he didn't need to snoop through my shit just to make sure I was NOT doing anything wrong.... Personal anecdote: my point is that you can change your passwords and deny her entry, it doesn't matter how mad she is, she shouldn't be snooping.

#2 Stop the outrageous phone calling/messaging BS, this might be harder to tread, but maybe tell her that if you go out somewhere that you can't pick up your phone all the time. Let her know that as long as you're under her roof she can know where you're going (even if that place is a lie) and when you'll be back, but that you'd appreciate it if she didn't check in all the time. Tell her if she needs to ask about something or what ever how is best to talk to you (maybe tell her it is ok to text you ONCE and that you will answer when you get a chance letting her know you are ok, tell her you simply will not be answering her if she is phoning you or sending lots of messages when she knows perfectly well where you are and what's going on, an emergency (or something critical that can't wait, like maybe where the cats medicine is) should be the exception to phoning if she knows you're out with friends or the boyfriend. Make sure that if you are striking deals with her you hold up your end of the bargain and offer to maintain X level of contact (like I said, tell her she can text ONCE and make sure you answer instead of just telling her to fuck off and stop)... Some parents are extremely anxious and overbearing so it might be hard for her to back off, especially because you're old enough it's not like she can reasonably stop you, so trying to find a middle ground would be best with matters such as this: revisit it again if she refuses to comply.

#4. Tell her that what you go to counselling for isn't her business. If you wanted to confide in her you would. I think what you need to do with her unreasonable behaviour in your counselling is to sit down and honestly tell her what you think about what' s going on. Tell her that you find her to be very over protective. Be gentle and use examples. Tell her that you don't want to have to talk about her in counselling, and that if you do it isn't to trash her but simply to learn how to cope with or manage your relationship with her. The reassurance that you aren't trashing her and simply telling her how you feel and what the context of any conversations (or lack of them) in counselling are might help. In fact, going here might be good because it sounds like her behaviour might be a little out of control and that maybe going to counselling with you for a session might help so you guys can talk things out with a mediator

#5. Go to your doctor appointments alone. Don't let her be in the building and tell her that you can't have her trying to barge in while you are talking to the doctor because you have a right to your privacy, that she knows what she needs to know and that has to be good enough.

I think you need to take the initiative and tell your mom she needs to back off and what would be better in certain situations.

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
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