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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Shannon Offline
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Friends changing. - May 1st 2009, 04:18 AM

So, basically, I'm having some pretty severe distance issue with two friends right now.

My first friend is a girl that I used to date. I used to think I was closer to her than anybody, and vice versa. Even after we broke up, we thought we were still best friends. However, lately, I just can't stand her. The way she acts, it's so stupid. She puts on this fake optimistic voice, and she's always bailing on plans that she acts excited for, and she's just a bitch sometimes. She acts so fake. This is a huge deal to me. I don't talk to people that I think are lying generally, becaues what's the point in a programmed answer? I don't mean to sound harsh, but everything she says just seems worthless because I don't know what she means and when she's just spewing bullshit. I just don't want to lose her, because I think of how she used to be. We talked on the phone the other day about everything weird with us, and she said she knew she had been acting fake and like a bitch and she was sorry, and we admitted that things were weird after we broke up, and we both got all emotional and said that we wouldn't let this friendship fall through the cracks. However, she thinks it's mostly because we both have too much in common and we're keeping things from eachother. But finally I just got pissed off and I told her off a bit last Friday. We never talked about it, we just pretended it didn't happen, I guess. I want to ask her if she wants to go to town with me this weekend since I get to bring a friend this time, but I keep thinking she's just going to cancel at the last minute to sleep over at her boyfriend's, which she probably will, and it's depressing.

The second friend of problems is her boyfriend, actually. At the beginning of this year, he was a nice, quiet boy that mostly hung around his cousins and whatnot. I started talking to him, and I was happy when he started acting more social, and we had fun, and I got him integrated with our group of friends, and he was the best guy friend ever. And then, it turns out he likes me. I turned him down. More than once. We had, like, one real fight about it because I got pissed off about him doing it when he had a girlfriend by then. But whatever, he moved onto dating my friend, and got over me, I guess. And now he just...doesn't talk to me or anything that much at all anymore. He didn't even tell me Happy Birthday until a month after it happened. And do you know when he talks to me? When his little girlfriend isn't around, suddenly I'm a very interesting person, and he acts as if he hasn't been an ass to me for the past four months or so. It's just gay. He's even told me before that he would never have started making real friends if I hadn't pulled him out, and now he's just deserted me because I won't date him. I just hate him almost, but I remember how we used to be friends.

With both of them, I'm just always torn between trying to be nice enough so that they'll come around and we'll be close again, or just telling them off and letting them go. So, instead of either, I just end up in this real shitty mood where they just think I'm constantly depressed because I can't be nice to them when they're bitches to me, and I can't tell them off when I'm trying to hold onto them. The only real problem is that I got so terribly close to both of them, I hate to just let them go like this. But it feels like I'm holding onto them, and they're just trying to wriggle away. I don't know if I should just let them go and count my losses.
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Strider Offline
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Re: Friends changing. - May 2nd 2009, 12:15 AM

Hi Shannon,

It might be a good idea to talk to your friend and try to think about why she's putting on a different voice and acting like a different person. She may be trying to cover up some problems in her life right now or she may not feel adequate as she is. I think that letting her know that she's a good friend if she just acts like herself might help her realize how much her changing affects you.

I don't think you should give up on inviting her to town either. You don't lose anything by asking her, so you might as well give her another chance. Tell her that spending time with her would mean a lot and that you hope she doesn't make other plans. She'll probably be less likely to bail.

As for your friend's boyfriend who only acts normal around you when your friend isn't around, I think he needs to suck it up and figure out how he feels right now. Maybe he just doesn't feel comfortable talking to you in front of your friend because he thinks she may not like it. It might be an idea to just try bringing up that he doesn't talk to you much anymore and see what he says. It would give a better feel for what's going on with him.

I don't think you should cut of your friendship just yet. Give them a little more time to settle things out.


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