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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
MsNobleEleanor Offline
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Should I Just Move On? - March 26th 2014, 12:11 AM

I don't typically have friend issues and right now I've given up on my close friend. I don't just give up on people, but it is time to move forward. She's the longest person I know in person (I had moved to a much larger city about 2 years ago) and she's been there for me and I have been there for her. However, I've dealt with too much crap that I want my friend and she isn't there.

I would really like to have your input because I have tried everything.

Recently:
This past Friday we were going to hangout for a coffee in the morning we had set these plans Thursday. I woke up early Friday morning and sent her a text asking where we're meeting. We had agreed for 9am. About an hour passes and I haven't heard from her and I started to feel unwell so I send her a message canceling. I never heard back from her till that night. If I showed up at the College running around to find her and texting her, it wouldn't have mattered if I stayed home or not.

Sunday was the most blow-out experience I had ever had. I sent her a text asking if she would like to go downtown for a coffee and walk around. She was cool with the idea. She was waiting on her medication and needed to grocery shop. I asked I can wait till she was done so we can go right downtown. She wanted to meet up at wal-mart. I stalled leaving the house to meet her. I'm finally at the bus stop for the bus to her where we planned to meet at the bus stop at wal-mart. I asked if waiting at the bus station (College) was better. She said no. I sent her a message saying I will be there in 7 minutes cause I just got on the bus. She is texting me the bus is there and is getting on. So the bus I am on is across the street and that bus is stopped at that stop. I am at the bus stop and remain on the bus. I was fed up. I went home pissed.

Later, she was trying to talk me into coming over to hang with her boyfriend and have homemade soup. Ignored the text not after telling her I'm done and was going home.

Maybe I am being selfish but I would just love to hangout with my friend and not run around with her all the time before doing things or if those things do happen.

A few weeks back, I asked if she wanted to go downtown for coffee, she was down for it. Her boyfriend is texting her, all she talked about was him, how she is moving in. I am cool with it however, I got bored of listening to her talk about it the entire time I was with her. We went to her place first so she could drop some stuff off. She offered me something to eat, I ate it. Our plans changed, well no she changed the plans. She wanted to go across the street to a coffee shop from her boyfriends place which she is living with now. I hung out with her for 3 hours at her place before going to her boyfriends. Later that night when I went home, I was utter pissed off.

It hasn't happened a few times, it's happened more than I can count. I am always her "puppy" walking around with her before doing something which that something never happens. I've told her I am fine helping her but to ask me.

So she sends me a text message two days after all this Sunday crap asking, "How I am" I can't respond. I have no idea what to say to her. I'm fed up.

I am high in deep in stress and I'm not asking for much and I feel somewhat selfish at the moment. I am a very nice person and I don't look at others faults because it's not me, but this, this is out of hand. I've talked to her before about this a few times and how I've felt.

Any suggestions or advice would be very helpful.


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Re: Should I Just Move On? - March 26th 2014, 02:37 AM

Hi there:

I know that this must be a tough situation for you to deal with. And I'm sure a lot of us have had to deal with these kinds of friends in the past. Friendships, and relationships in general, can be tremendously tough and frustrating at times. Usually, things work out, though.

Have you tried talking to your friend about the way you're feeling? I know it might be an uncomfortable thing to do, because the conversation could turn awkward fast. If approached with this situation, it's likely that your friend will become defensive - and that's tough to deal with. Sometimes, though, people are receptive to this kind of communication. Therefore, I'd first recommend that you talk to her about the way you're feeling about the whole situation. She may not even realize that she's bothering you.

I have a friend who has behaved in this way in the past. After becoming increasingly frustrated with the amount of times that she cancelled plans and/or never wanted to hang out, I found out that she was going through a pretty rough period and didn't really want to be social with anyone. While it was hard for me to understand because I was hurt by her, I had to empathize with her; she was one of my best friends, and I wanted to be there for her despite everything. The point is: you don't really know what's going on with your friend. There may be things that are going on that you don't know about, and therefore, this emphasizes the need for communication.

Being frustrated doesn't serve a purpose. It's not valuable, and will likely cause more harm than good. You need to take some time to relax, clear your mind, and then you should talk to her about it. Literally explain everything that you just explained above. When you talk to her, though, don't be aggressive or come across like you're attacking her. People generally don't respond well to conversations like that, and that type of behaviour will likely put her on the defensive. Perhaps you can simply be genuine and tell her that you really miss spending time with her. Being honest with her, in a calm and mature manner, is the best way to go about this situation, in my opinion.

Finally, it's also important to keep in mind that sometimes, friends just grow apart. I don't think you should give up on this friendship just yet because it seems like you really care about her. True friends are really rare, so hold onto the ones that you have. However, that doesn't eliminate the fact that, as people grow older, they grow apart from other people; even people that they were once extremely close to.

With that in mind, take it one step at a time and see where things take you. Don't jump to any conclusions just yet, and try to remain relaxed about the situation. Things will undoubtedly work out in the end, even if it doesn't seem so right now.

Good luck.


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Re: Should I Just Move On? - April 8th 2014, 01:03 PM

From the looks of it, she just isn't as available as you'd like her to be. You should really just understand it for a while and just give her some space to give you some space. You being pissed off is not going to do right. If anything, it would lead to a very bad misunderstanding. Honestly, I've been there and trust me I know how frustrating it is.

Instead of you burning time itching to hangout with her, why not give her a call or have a video chat with her for the mean time? Though personally at times like those I just do something else to take my mind off of it (which I suggest you try first), it could be a different story for you.

Now if she asks for you guys to hangout, don't go blazing to the meeting place. Instead, try and confirm if she's going to be there. Ask her to leave you a message when she's leaving so that you both can get there on almost the exact same time and also to make sure she actually appears there.

Lastly, don't wait for too long. To me, if my friend isn't there in 15-30 minutes, I'm out. They're aware of it since I tell them before hand and I suggest you try that out.
   
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