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Metamorphosis Offline
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Unhappy Worst Night Of My Life - April 3rd 2014, 09:22 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

It all started when I saw my dad sitting down at the dining room table, which I otherwise wouldn't care for except that I had my school work spreaded out, covering most of the surface. I needed the extra space for some assignments, and because I made dinner that night, everyone ate in the living room. I figured moving it for dinner wouldn't be necessary since I would be coming back to it after dinner. Anyway, there he was, eating AGAIN, with a plate full of food right on top of some important papers.

I freaked out. I scurried up to him in a panic while he gorge down a second-dinner.

I don't remember my exact words, but I basically told him "My stuff! Please go away! My school work is here!"


He refused, kept eating, and this made me a little angry. He's always never listening to me, it's been like that my whole upbringing. One important side note is that we do not have a proper father-daughter relationship. Never have, attempted many times to, but never works out. Now, that's a whole other story, but it's an important contributing factor to what happened. My whole childhood he ignored me, made me feel powerless. In a moment like the above, it brings those hurt, unresolved feelings back. I have a lot of hurt, unresolved feelings.


It got to the point where I was raising my voice at him to go (I really wanted him to go so I could clean up everything quickly). He got mad too. I said to him I'd move it, and he yelled "THEN MOVE IT!" Again, again, and again I repeated to him to go and he yelled at me to move it. I don't take for being treated this way by him, because for the last couple years I've been trying not to take his emotional abuse anymore. In most cases, I usually get into a yelling match with him over how he mistreats me and shouldn't talk to me like that.


He then grabbed my school book and flung it. Then he grabbed my pencil case and slammed it down onto my laptop. I was taken back a bit, but I went to grab his plate. I figure if I took it away, he'd move away from that area. I just wanted him to go away. It would be easier to clean up the table without him there.


But he grabbed my forearms. I was already extremely upset, so this didn't help. He grabbed me. I should have got away and left, but instead I struggled with him. I tried to twist his arm back. We stopped, but then I kicked him twice in the chest.


Still mad, I tried to hit him at his sides a couple of time. I felt weak and powerless, and it seemed like no matter how hard I hit at him, nothing would hurt him. This brought back a lot of feelings from when I was a child, like when he hit me and how powerless I felt.


It also annoyed me, like he didn't care that I was upset when he was still gorging food down his throat as I hit him...


I was so upset. So upset that I guess I lost control of my rage. Eventually my mom and dog came to the scene. At that point I grabbed his plate and smashed it into him. It broke apart, and as he went to go pick it up, I kicked him. I can't believe I almost hurt my mom and dog if a piece of plate scratched them. But I also can't believe how violent I was, because I had lots of time to stop and think. Like before kicking him when he was bent down to pick up the plate, that's just abusive and bullying.


I don't agree with what I did. In fact it's been a secret mission of mine to fix things up in my family, make everyone happy. How can I do that after this?


I don't want to become like him. It's my worst fear that has already happened. I resorted to violence. I acted on my feelings of anger. My mom said I can't control my anger with him. But I don't want to hurt another human being ever again, even if I hate them.


My dad acted as if nothing happened. He went out to pick my sister up and then went to bed.


Today's the next day. I wrote him a letter, apologizing for hurting him. That's a first, since I only talk to him when I have to. But I'm not sure if I should give it to him. How could he forgive someone who did that to him? How could I ever be forgiven? Will my mom ever trust me when I'm mad?

I feel like a monster. I'm in my senior year highschool, and by now I'd thought I be mature, in control of my emotions. What should I do now? Because the reality of my situation is that I'm still living with my dad. I can't move until I get a job, and I can't seem to get a job because I have such a low self image of myself. It doesn't help that I'm an abuser now. Does this make me an abuser like him?

And this whole situation is really stupid. I know I was in the wrong for having my stuff there. He of couse has the right to sit at the dinner room table and eat, just as I have the right to do school work there. I guess the problem was how we treated each other. I wish I could go back in time, because I would have better explained to him that I would move my stuff if he just left for a few minutes.

This has to be the worst fight in my life.

Last edited by Metamorphosis; April 4th 2014 at 06:37 PM.
   
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Re: Worst Night Of My Life - April 3rd 2014, 10:25 PM

Hey,

I'm really sorry that this happened. I know it must be really stressful to deal with. While I do think it's true that the situation probably should have been handled in a different way, I don't think it makes you a bad person or an abuser. We all have moments where our anger gets the best of us, but it doesn't mean we're not good people. Plus, the fact that you've never really gotten along well with your father makes it understandable that you'd have a hard time controlling your anger around him. It doesn't make what you did okay, but it does make it understandable.

If you don't think it's possible to improve your relationship with your father then the best thing you can do is work on controlling your anger when you're around him. You might not be able to change his behavior or the way that he treats you but you can change the way that you respond to it. It sounds like he's not a very easy person to get along with and that he hasn't done much to change his behavior in order to avoid conflict with you. I think that you're more than likely going to have to try your best to take the higher ground and be the bigger person. If he does something that irritates you, such as the situation you described, ask yourself if it's really worth the fight or the guilty feelings you'll have to deal with afterwards. For instance, it would have been a lot easier to wait for him to finish his dinner and then move your homework from the table than to get into a fight with him and then have to apologize and feel guilty about it. Some things are worth fighting for, but others should just be left alone. If you're in a situation where his behavior is causing major problems for you then you should absolutely stick up for yourself (in a way that doesn't involve becoming violent with him). But if his behavior is only causing a slight inconvenience for you it's not really necessary to fight him about it.

I think that finding a healthy way to express your emotions could really help you to avoid unnecessary conflict. You obviously are holding on to a lot of anger towards your father due to things that have happened in the past. Carrying that anger with you will make it a lot harder to control your emotions around him and will make you more likely to get into this kind of fight again. It might be useful to talk to someone about the things that have happened with your father in the past and about the anger you're feeling towards him now. You could talk to a friend, a family member, or even a therapist. You could also keep a journal and regularly write about how you're feeling. If you don't have an outlet for your emotions it's a lot easier for them to get the best of you.

If you don't want to become like your father then you don't have to. It sounds like he has a lot of difficulty controlling his anger, which for him results in violence. If you don't want to act like him the best thing you can do is find a healthy way to deal with your anger, and all of your other emotions as well. If you can find a way to do that then you're already far from being like him.

I hope this helped a little and that things improve for you soon. Feel free to message me if you ever need to talk. Take care.


   
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Re: Worst Night Of My Life - April 3rd 2014, 11:06 PM

Thank you. Your advice has been very helpful.
   
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