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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Jerry17 Offline
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Are my trust issues and insecurities ruining my life? - May 22nd 2014, 10:11 PM

I am generally a nice person to everyone I meet. I've always been a nice person, but for some reason, I've always been treated badly for being nice. I've gotten in so many situations for being nice. The people I'm most treated badly by are girls who I have liked or loved at some point. Sometimes, I make faces when I'm angry, annoyed, or I don't like someone. But I don't say it because I'm being nice and I can't help my face expressions. Also, people come to me with their problems but it seems like they don't really try to help me with mines. And I can't seem to tell people when I don't want to be friends anymore or I don't care about them anymore because I'm too nice. In 7th grade, I liked 5 girls (different times), but I ended up getting played by them. And my buddies who I considered like my brothers, knew who I liked and started dating the girls at the times I liked them. Later in the same grade, most of my friends turned on me and decided out of nowhere to bully me. And once they realized that I'm too nice, they continued to bully me. So, 7th grade was basically torture for me and I put up these walls around me since then.
In 9th grade, I let the walls down, but the same thing happened again. And then this girl I considered my sister named Mary told a girl who I liked that I had a crush on her. It was true, but she shouldn't have done that. Then my mother went through chemo therapy for her cancer and I had to step up BIG time for my family.

By 10th grade, I became a more mean and angry person, but I still had nice in me and was friends with Mary, who is a much worse person. And I became close friends with one of the girls I liked back in 7th grade who I was about to fight someone for because he cheated on her multiple times. But soon enough, leftover feelings came and I realized I still had feelings for her so I let her know, but she said I'm nice, but she doesn't care about me.

Now, in 11th grade, I've become into a much nicer person than before, but Mary has given me too many reasons to just stop talking to her. And she even threatened to tell this girl I like who rides my bus named Jessica that I like her and I'm stalking her. I've told people that I'm not close with Mary anymore, but I seem to always find myself forgiving her and talking to her again. And finally, I let it all out and we had a big argument and we stopped talking. But I ended being friends with her again when I really don't want to. I've given her advice on her boyfriend, family, sexuality, and school problems. But when I ask for advice from her, she either gives it very harshly or doesn't give it at all. Soon enough, she started having problems with one of her friends and I attempted to be a mediator to the two since they wanted me to help them. I tried, but it quickly escalated into an argument between me and her. Her mother ended up dying a few weeks later and I felt bad for not being there for Mary. We eventually started back being friends.

Later that week, I had to deal with my niece getting sick and having to need surgery so I was supporting my family. While at the hospital, I called Mary and we were having a conversation. But she ended up telling me she doesn't trust anyone, including her family and me. She also said that I'm fake and not a good friend. And that the only reason she started talking to me is because she thought I didn't have any friends and she wanted someone who was only friends with her. My trust issues hit full-speed and I realized whatever friendship we had was a BIG lie. We still continued to talk, but not like we used to.

I decided that I should back up from all of my friends and try to re-analyze myself and see if I'm the problem in everything. I told most of my friends via text and call and I tried calling Mary as well, but she wouldn't answer. Most of my friends were cool about it. And the next day, before I could even tell her, one of my other friends told her what I decided. So she was angry about it and made sure I knew it. She even made a picture of comparing me and a rabbit and told me her cousin put it on instagram. That's when I realized she is the fake one.

A week later, my niece got sick again from her surgery and I had to support my family again. But the same day, Mary called me angry and was telling me how it was immature and female-like to not tell her about what I decided. She even let it slip that she was the one who put up that picture of me on instagram. But she tried to make it seem less important by saying that she took it off instagram within an hour. Then her two cousins, who don't like me at all, likes to talk badly about me alot, according to Mary. One of them got on the phone as well and claimed that they would fight me if I talk about them again. The only thing I have said is that I don't like how they talk about me and that I don't understand why they do.

On to Jessica and I's situation, it was complicated where she was giving mixed signals to me while she had a boyfriend. Even her friends and one of her sisters claimed that Jessica liked me. We used to kik each other almost every day and talk about things in our lives. We even had deep conversations. But on Christmas break, after being jealous, insecure, and not feeling like I was important to her, I told her that most of my friends don't want me involved with her. She was very upset about it and stopped talking to me. I sent several messages to her, but I ended up sending her a screenshot of our messages, which I really meant to send to Mary who wanted to know why Jessica got mad at me. To this day, I still try to be her friend. I've apologized about what I told her on Christmas break and we seemed to be friends again. But it wasn't like it used to be. I remembered about the screenshots almost the last month of school. I want to apologize about the screenshots, but I know she won't even say nothing back. I have fallen in love with her. I have tried to talk to her, but she just ignores my messages now. So I've sort of given up. She tells one of our many mutual friends that she doesn't like me. She always frowns and tries to change the subject when I am brought up in their conversations. She even makes a face like "why are you talking to him" whenever I am talking to that mutual friend and there's always a weird tension between us when we are with any mutual friend.

So now, I'm questioning all of my friendships and wondering if I'm the problem in everything. I'm definitely tired about caring about my ex-friend Mary and the girl I care about too much Jessica. It's almost summer and I want to try to move on from my past and get over my trust issues and insecurities. Are my trust issues and insecurities ruining my life?
   
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Re: Are my trust issues and insecurities ruining my life? - May 23rd 2014, 06:51 AM

Hey there Jerry,

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult situation right now. I understand how you must be feeling about all this, and I can definitely relate to this. First off, you're making a mistake in thinking that you're the problem in everything. A lot of people who go through similar situations like you do tend to think this way, but in reality, that is not true. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you at all, and you shouldn't have to change things about yourself just because of a few experiences with other people, such as Mary and Jessica. I believe the real problem here is that you've been with the wrong types of people for a long while. I mean, let me ask you this: would a friend do the things that your so-called "friends" did like bully you, or put up a really mean picture going towards you over social media to indicate that they're angry with you? No, a real friend will never do these things. A real friend would sit down (not literally) and work things out with you if there's ever a conflict that arises that could possibly endanger the friendship. In your case, it's obvious that your "friends" are not living up to the real reputation of a true friend. So, why bother continue being with them if all they're going to do is take advantage of you, disrespect you, or not even appreciate the things that you do for them, especially when they have their own problems and they always come to you for help and advice?

Also, another thing: when it comes to you helping other people with their social problems, don't just do it expecting that they're going to return the favor to you later on when you're faced with your own difficult situation. When you're helping someone out, you're doing it because it's the moral right thing to do, not just to get something in return. However, you need to understand that there are boundaries as to how far you can help someone. If your advice/help seems to not be helping that person much especially if it ends up turning into an argument, it's best to let it go and forget about it. It doesn't do you or the other person any good if all you're doing is going in circles and going nowhere.

The last thing I need to tell you is this: let go of the past and move forward with your life. If you keep holding on to the past, you're probably never going to move on with your life; you're just going to be stuck in a hole that you can't climb out of. I understand that it's easier said than done, but think about it this way: these people who've let you down have given you a learning experience, and you should take that into consideration. As for if your trust issues and insecurities are ruining your life, well, that depends. Are you not able to do the things that you found enjoyable before not as much enjoyable as it used to be? Have you become more anti-social to people around you and have the fear of making new friends? If so, then yes, it is affecting your life negatively. However, that doesn't mean you can't change that.

To get over your trust issues and insecurities, the first thing to do would be to put the past behind you. The second thing would be to think positive thoughts, and the thought that you need to put in your mind is this: "You're a good person. You're just being who you are, and just only have the intention of making your life and other peoples' lives around you a little better each day." When you put this kind of thought into your mind, you won't feel too bad if an interaction, friendship, or relationship doesn't go so well with someone. It's okay to go through such bad experiences with other people. We all have our own fair shares of those every now and then. Through all this though, remember this: it's not what the people think about you; it's what you think about yourself that counts and matters most. People will judge you, criticize you from head to toe, bring you down, you name it. The one thing though is that they can say all that they want to about you, but it's not the truth about you because they don't know you personally. You know yourself the best, and you know it if you're doing something right, or if you're doing something wrong.

Don't be afraid to continue to meet and make new friends out there. I'm sure that somewhere out there, you will find the people who will be loyal to you and give you the respect you deserve. Don't give up on anything. You have a long way to go in your life, and don't let your past experiences get the best of you and stop you from being who you want to be.

With all that said, I wish you all the very best, and take care of yourself.

All the best from your friendly guy,
Mark




“The main thing is realizing that even if you feel terrible for a while, that’s not how you’re going to feel the whole time. . . . Things change if you just keep moving.” - Gary Vaynerchuk
   
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Re: Are my trust issues and insecurities ruining my life? - May 24th 2014, 04:19 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnInspirationalBeliever View Post
Hey there Jerry,

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult situation right now. I understand how you must be feeling about all this, and I can definitely relate to this. First off, you're making a mistake in thinking that you're the problem in everything. A lot of people who go through similar situations like you do tend to think this way, but in reality, that is not true. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you at all, and you shouldn't have to change things about yourself just because of a few experiences with other people, such as Mary and Jessica. I believe the real problem here is that you've been with the wrong types of people for a long while. I mean, let me ask you this: would a friend do the things that your so-called "friends" did like bully you, or put up a really mean picture going towards you over social media to indicate that they're angry with you? No, a real friend will never do these things. A real friend would sit down (not literally) and work things out with you if there's ever a conflict that arises that could possibly endanger the friendship. In your case, it's obvious that your "friends" are not living up to the real reputation of a true friend. So, why bother continue being with them if all they're going to do is take advantage of you, disrespect you, or not even appreciate the things that you do for them, especially when they have their own problems and they always come to you for help and advice?

Also, another thing: when it comes to you helping other people with their social problems, don't just do it expecting that they're going to return the favor to you later on when you're faced with your own difficult situation. When you're helping someone out, you're doing it because it's the moral right thing to do, not just to get something in return. However, you need to understand that there are boundaries as to how far you can help someone. If your advice/help seems to not be helping that person much especially if it ends up turning into an argument, it's best to let it go and forget about it. It doesn't do you or the other person any good if all you're doing is going in circles and going nowhere.

The last thing I need to tell you is this: let go of the past and move forward with your life. If you keep holding on to the past, you're probably never going to move on with your life; you're just going to be stuck in a hole that you can't climb out of. I understand that it's easier said than done, but think about it this way: these people who've let you down have given you a learning experience, and you should take that into consideration. As for if your trust issues and insecurities are ruining your life, well, that depends. Are you not able to do the things that you found enjoyable before not as much enjoyable as it used to be? Have you become more anti-social to people around you and have the fear of making new friends? If so, then yes, it is affecting your life negatively. However, that doesn't mean you can't change that.

To get over your trust issues and insecurities, the first thing to do would be to put the past behind you. The second thing would be to think positive thoughts, and the thought that you need to put in your mind is this: "You're a good person. You're just being who you are, and just only have the intention of making your life and other peoples' lives around you a little better each day." When you put this kind of thought into your mind, you won't feel too bad if an interaction, friendship, or relationship doesn't go so well with someone. It's okay to go through such bad experiences with other people. We all have our own fair shares of those every now and then. Through all this though, remember this: it's not what the people think about you; it's what you think about yourself that counts and matters most. People will judge you, criticize you from head to toe, bring you down, you name it. The one thing though is that they can say all that they want to about you, but it's not the truth about you because they don't know you personally. You know yourself the best, and you know it if you're doing something right, or if you're doing something wrong.

Don't be afraid to continue to meet and make new friends out there. I'm sure that somewhere out there, you will find the people who will be loyal to you and give you the respect you deserve. Don't give up on anything. You have a long way to go in your life, and don't let your past experiences get the best of you and stop you from being who you want to be.

With all that said, I wish you all the very best, and take care of yourself.

All the best from your friendly guy,
Mark
Thank you. I appreciate you for answering me back. Honestly, I didn't help people to get something back. I helped them because it's the right thing to do.

And I know I should let go of the past, but it's very hard. I don't even know how to truly let go. Jessica has even told me to let go of my past and I thought I let it all go. But I know now that I didn't.

I have cut off all contact with Mary and I have no doubts or worries about doing it. I still have ways to contact Jessica and the reason I haven't cut off contact is because unfortunately, I am in love with Jessica. Another reason is that Mary explained to me that she had a dream that Jessica and I were flirting and Jessica told Mary that she was going to date me in the summer. And summer has just hit. Mary's dreams mostly come true so I'm thinking that dream might be true. What's so crazy is that I've actually started having dreams about Jessica again that involve her and I being close friends and very comfortable around each other. I even had a dream we were hanging out at my house with other people. And then she was sitting comfortably on my couch with me and my baby niece happened to be in between us.

It's just really hard to get over Jessica. Even though she's not my first love, she is the one that I actually can see myself marrying, which is crazy. She actually made me feel great about myself. Whenever we were talking or around each other, she gave me a great feeling inside. I felt great just being friends with her. And the only times where I wasn't happy was when she and I were arguing or had a disagreement.
   
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