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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
monkey01 Offline
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my dad - July 25th 2014, 12:10 AM

my dad pleaded guilty to sexual abuse to my husbands older brother and my 2 brothers he was in his 20s when he abused my husbands older brother who was 10-12 at the time. and my 2 brothers when he was 40 something and my brothers were 10-12. He gets sentenced october 1st 2014 i dont know how to feel about it how should i feel what should i do.


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Re: my dad - July 25th 2014, 01:26 AM

I am sorry that this happened within your family. It must be difficult to accept that your father has this preference and has abused those boys. Have you considered speaking with a counsellor who specilizes with things like sexual assault and family problems like these? While it doesn't affect you as directly (you weren't assaulted by him) it still affects you very personally and a counsellor could help you understand why you dad did that and stuff. I hope that you will be ok




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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: my dad - July 25th 2014, 01:27 AM

There's really no right way to feel about this, this is your father, the person who gave life to you and I'm assuming helped raise you. It's not easy to deal with the people you grew up with and possibly even trusted having done something like this and you knowing that for a fact. It probably won't be easy, but you have to remember that he chose to do these things to these innocent people and at least he is stepping up and taking responsibility for what he did to try to give peace to those he hurt.


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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: my dad - July 25th 2014, 02:40 AM

What he did to my brothers caused them to sexually abuse me I'm just so confused


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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: my dad - July 25th 2014, 04:01 AM

The confusion is entirely understandable. And I don't mean to be rude, but your past is no excuse to hurt someone else. Not everyone who gets sexually abused and assaulted goes on to do that to someone else, sure it may have put some messed up thoughts and feelings into your life, but that is no excuse to put someone else through that.


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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: my dad - July 25th 2014, 04:35 AM

I didn't hurt anyone though


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Re: my dad - July 25th 2014, 05:20 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by monkey01 View Post
I didn't hurt anyone though
I think Tigerlily was talking more about your brothers than about you, and I completely agree.

I think a counselor would be a good idea. It's really hard to process situations like these on our own, and there's only so much we can help you with here. I know that this situation is unbelievably horrible, and you must be feeling so conflicted right now. It must be so hard to have your father let you down in such a spectacular manner, and I'm sorry about your brothers as well. Tigerlily is right, just because someone is abusive to you doesn't give you the right to abuse anyone else.


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Re: my dad - July 25th 2014, 06:08 PM

i would never hurt anyone cause of what happened to me. people are telling me how i am feeling and how i am dealing with it is wrong and i dont know what to do


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Re: my dad - July 26th 2014, 06:13 AM

Chantelle we aren't saying you did or will hurt anyone, in fact my point is the complete opposite. Your brothers had no right to do what they did to you, there is no excuse. And you are a perfect example of it not being justified. They hurt you, but you aren't doing that to someone else, so why should they be able to hide behind that excuse? They shouldn't and can't.

How are you dealing with it that people are telling you it's wrong? I mean it may be best to try to talk to someone like a family member or professional about it, but if you aren't okay with that, no one can make you and it's not entirely impossible to move past without these support systems so long as you don't go it entirely alone, which you aren't considering you are coming here to TH for help and support.


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  (#10 (permalink)) Old
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Re: my dad - July 26th 2014, 05:13 PM

I kinda just ignore them when they tell me I'm wrong I don't want him in my life cause I will never trust him he hurt my family he destroyed it he hurt his kids he knew what he was doing but he still did it. It hurts to hear them tell me I'm dealing with it wrong and when they tell me how to feel


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Re: my dad - July 26th 2014, 11:34 PM

Chantelle, your an adult now, your even married. You make your own choices, you feel how you want to feel, and you handle things the way you want to handle them.

Stand up to these people, If you want them to stop. Its the only way for them to respect your feelings is to tell them your an adult, and you will deal with your life the way you want to deal with it.

Good luck, and I hope things get better for you.
   
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Re: my dad - July 27th 2014, 01:23 AM

I have tried standing up to them it just ends in a huge argument


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Re: my dad - July 27th 2014, 01:35 AM

I'm really sorry to hear that this happened to you. When you're talking to your family about how you feel and things start to get into a argument just control yourself. Yelling back at them won't make anything better. You have to stay calm and keep a level head through this. Tell them you aren't going to talk to them about it if they're going to argue about it. You have to make the effort to get through this.


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Re: my dad - July 27th 2014, 03:07 AM

I have tried nothing works


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Re: my dad - July 27th 2014, 03:18 PM

Hey there,
what your father did was very wrong and atleast he owned up to it. It doesn't make what he did right. What happened to you was wrong too and maybe talking to your family and friends won't help but why don't you try charity?
try to join organizations who help sexually abused children and help them....it may help you make peace with everything that happened
yeah you won't forget everything eventually but slowly it will help you deal with the situation better.
best if luck
   
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Re: my dad - July 28th 2014, 03:40 AM

I've tried things


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Re: my dad - July 29th 2014, 06:46 PM

my family is saying im as bad as my dad for cutting him out of my life


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Re: my dad - July 29th 2014, 08:53 PM

Chantelle, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. It's not easy learning a family member sexually assaulted people especially your own husband and siblings. There's no logical excuse for doing that and you didn't do anything wrong, please remember that! If you're worried about what it'll do to you or how it will affect your children when you're ready to have them, then talk to a counselor and maybe even ask your husband to seek counseling as well if he's still traumatized by it. You'll never be over it, but talking is the first step to recovery.

If you cut your dad out of your life, then that is your decision. You're an adult, you can do what you want to do. Honestly, I think him sexually assaulting your husband and brothers is a perfectly legitimate reason to cut him out of your life. If they're criticizing you, then it's their problem not yours.
   
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Re: my dad - July 29th 2014, 09:27 PM

I feel like I have no one in my corner I feel like my whole family is turning against me


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Re: my dad - July 29th 2014, 09:59 PM

Hi Chantelle,

I agree with everyone else. What he's done is terrible and he'll be punished legally by the law. That for the legal consequences. But what he did has also moral, social and personal consequences and you are in your right to feel however you do and act accordingly. It is difficult, but just because he is your dad it doesn't mean you have to bear anything he does or did, and honestly, I think you are acting following your head and your heart.

Nobody can tell you how you must deal with it and if someone is making you feel badly and tells you to change your mind, that person is not respecting your decision or your feelings. As I see it you deserve to decide what to do in this respect and nobody should disregard that...

I hope it gets better. Keep going and follow your own guts because normally that is the right thing to do.
   
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Re: my dad - August 1st 2014, 07:45 PM

im losing my family over this


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Re: my dad - August 3rd 2014, 06:43 PM

my family is cutting me out now i dont know what to do


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Re: my dad - August 6th 2014, 07:58 PM

i just make things worse


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