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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Wedding demotion... Pretty sure I know why too - August 10th 2014, 05:52 PM

My friend recently visited me. We were fighting a lot for a few days and it made me wonder why we were even friends because she was making me feel bad about myself by overreacting to things and then criticizing me 9 ways to Sunday for it. I think the problem was a class in personality + stupid miscommunications. It's not that I think I'm blameless but I realize how both our reactions to what happened could have been better whereas she seems to be making it out to be that it's mostly my fault.

Any how so she left. Not even a week later she's telling me how she looked up stuff that the maid of honour has to do and that she doesn't think I'll even have time because of school and the fact I live so far away so she's going to ask her mom to do most of the stuff and I'll basically be a bridesmaid.

Now, this is actually true, which is funny... I will be busy and there was a high chance I wouldn't be able to keep up. But I could have delegated and asked the other 2 girls in the bridal party to help out. Plus there are always the groomsmen. It's not like I had to do 100% everything and obviously there were a number of things I couldn't do because I do live far away (I would have to take a plane). And I think that's the problem. She's very dependent on other people. I almost feel like she can't make a decision by herself, which isn't as brutally mean as it might seem. It's just an observation.

But I feel like she would have already known this and that the timing seems suspicious. We have this serious clash that was bad enough to have us questioning our friendship. Yes we resolved it but I feel like the damage is done. But afterwards she was acting like it was all ok and even suggesting we do another trip together.

Am I overthinking this? Is she being a little 2 faced? Or should I let her know (gently) that I feel like she wasn't being very honest in relabelling me as a bridesmaid earlier?

Edit: obviously if I confront her I would present it in a way that would allow her to defend herself instead of making it seem like I already know that this is what she was going after
?




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Re: Wedding demotion... Pretty sure I know why too - August 11th 2014, 01:13 AM

She may be wondering if this is just one of many clashes that she can look forward to while getting ready for her wedding. You may be right about the timing being suspicious... but now that you have a theory in mind, my question to you is whether it's worth addressing this demotion with your friend. How close of a friend is she? Even if you give her the benefit of the doubt, how do you think she'll respond if (in her mind) it seems like you're "picking a fight"? If she really IS "two-faced," then is it worth taking on so much responsibility as the maid of honor and risking criticism if things go wrong at her wedding?






   
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Re: Wedding demotion... Pretty sure I know why too - August 11th 2014, 02:21 AM

And that's where I am sitting. I feel like I am sick of her getting upset over little things. And who knows what would happen as things get busier with the wedding planner. And I know it is half true that my schooling and my current location makes it very difficult.

It's just that 2 weeks ago she was sooooo happy because I was basically the only one in the wedding party who talked to her about the ceremony on a regular basis. What ever she needed I tried to respond. I even took her to look at dresses when she visited. And then all of a sudden it's like she basically doesn't want my help at all?

And the distance wasn't an issue... Until now.

I wish I could say I was sad. I was finding her talking about the wedding every single day (not exaggerating) extremely tiring. It's still over a year away and it wasn't like she was making plans, it was just the same mundane nonsense over and over. So am I sad I won't have to hear about it daily any longer? Definitely not. But am I upset by the fact that one of my best friends is demoting me? Yes.

I feel like after our visit I can't really think of her the same. She's one of my closest friends, yes, but I feel like I respect her less and don't want to have her "as" close as I did. I told her so much stuff last week about my mental half issues and I've never told any one before except maybe on this site. And I think less of her now, I tried to move past it but it's hard right now because I feel betrayed. She was acting like everything was totally A OK, that she would still think of me the same. But here she is demoting me and only telling half the truth. Maybe the whole truth would ruin our friendship though.

But how long will it be until she kicks me out fully? She knows I am extremely worried about how I'll be in 2 weddings next summer as I have to travel for both and am worried about money. I never told her that as a cop out. I told her because I thought, as my friend, I could tell her about things I was worried about such as finances. But given the current climate I'm worried she'll tell me not to be in it at all while making it look like it's on me using what I told her against me instead of just telling me she doesn't want me there now. Yet if she does that I won't be going at all. I'd still have to spend money on plane tickets and get time off of work for it so I am only saving myself the cost of a bridesmaid dress of she takes this issue that far. And I hope she realizes if she does that it's probably going to ruin our friendship as I won't bother going at all (like I said I have to spend money/time either way). But maybe she is lying and trying to use things I told her as the reasons to avoid telling me the more painful truth? For all I know she's decided she doesn't really want to have me around any more. I dunno ?




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Re: Wedding demotion... Pretty sure I know why too - August 12th 2014, 11:50 PM

So yeah I still don't know if I should bring it up or not




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Re: Wedding demotion... Pretty sure I know why too - August 20th 2014, 02:11 AM

I know it has been a week since you last posted... have you discussed this with your friend, or decided on some other course of action?

We all have disagreements with loved ones. If they mean a great deal to us, then we'll deal with the unpleasant feelings while trying to make amends. I think it's worth deciding if this friend is someone you care enough about to make amends with. If she is, then find a way to carefully bring up your concerns. If she cares about you as much (or about as much) as you care about her, then she'll make a sincere effort to repair the friendship. If she doesn't make the effort (whether it's due to pride or other reasons), then you'll know your trust was misplaced... which is sad, but at least you'll know you're better off by letting go of this particular friendship.






   
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