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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Chloe.exe Offline
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i think i hate my little brother - August 16th 2014, 06:44 PM

So by the title you can tell what this is about.

My little brother is 11, (2 years younger than me) and he is the devil

He has been in trouble with everyone, including the police which gives a bad image on my family.

He started acting up when my dad left home after are parents split up and since then its been hell.

My brother lights fires, beats people up, kicks/hits/bites me and my mum on a daily basis

I hate him for doing this and its really effecting my social life and image as people sometimes think im the same

Yet a small part of me is really upset because i hate to see him wreck his future and hurt so many people.

My mum has on more than one occasion thought about giving him away to social services and i dont know if i really want that.

Please help me to what i should do and if i should hate my brother or not.
Feel free to add your opinions/thoughts on this xx

Last edited by Chloe.exe; August 16th 2014 at 06:48 PM. Reason: spelling mistakes
   
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Re: i think i hate my little brother - August 16th 2014, 07:26 PM

Hey Chloe,

Firstly, may I extend a very warm welcome to the site? I hope you'll find TeenHelp to be a very helpful community to be a part of.

Now, to your brother. I cannot, of course, condone the things you say he's been doing - particularly not any physical abuse towards your mother, and especially yourself. With regards to the physical abuse, it's important that you get this sorted - if necessary, by involving the authorities, such as the police or social services (although I'd note that it's impossible to "give away" a child to the authorities in this country). Violence against you or anyone else is unacceptable, and not dealing with it harshly will set a precedent, and he may feel it's okay to do it if nothing is done to punish him as of right now.

Other things that he's doing also sound unacceptable, however in answer to your question should you hate him, I think my only honest response can be "no, you should not".
You might be frustrated by things he does; feel left out or upset because of the consequences of his actions; maybe you feel physically hurt by him at times, too. But, regardless of all this, if you think long and hard about how he feels, and what must be going through his head to make him consider doing any of the things he's doing, then I think you'll find it difficult not to empathise and feel quite sorry for him. The problem is that despite what he's doing, you're his family, and if no-one else will, you really have to be supportive of him.
That's not to say that you should be responsible for him all the time, or that I would ever expect you to put pressure upon yourself to be able to magically fix all of his problems for him - I think it would be helpful for him to see a counsellor of some description (his school may well be able to provide one for him) to maybe go through some of the issues he's having. However, if he knows that you're there for him, and to support him, then that's encouraging for him - and really, there's no point in hating him. It's probably not justified, it won't help you or him, and it's certainly no fun for anyone. Really, "hate" is a very strong feeling which requires you to put a lot of effort into something which shouldn't actually merit it.

My point, in summary, is this - you don't have to do everything for him, but it would be good of you to be there for him, and maybe see if someone can arrange some appointments with a professional for him (they should be covered on the NHS). And since you're asking, I definitely don't think that's compatible with "hating" him. You don't need to put yourself under strain, and I certainly don't expect you to be his punchbag - that's absolutely not on - but I do think it would be nice (in the least) for you to show at least some loyalty to him, a member of your family, and be supportive of him in getting to a better state of mind.


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Re: i think i hate my little brother - August 16th 2014, 11:51 PM

Thanks for the help and the warm welcome. Ive talked to my mum about it and she agreed to start sending him to a place for kids (like counselling) where he can express his feelings and explain the things he does which ii think is great and he thinks its a good idea too. Ive also told him he can talk to his big sister anytime he needs. Thanks so much for the advice! It really helped
   
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Re: i think i hate my little brother - August 17th 2014, 04:39 AM

This sounds exactly like my younger cousin who had oppositional defiant disorder. Should probably get it assessed by a professional tbh.



   
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Re: i think i hate my little brother - August 17th 2014, 09:01 AM

Hey Chloe,

Adam's response has pretty much everything that could be said, but I just wanted to add that while you're trying to be supportive of your brother, remember that there is probably a reason why your brother is acting out, and that his acting out is his way of expressing it. He might not be ready to talk about it just yet, and you wouldn't want to push him away by hating him before he is.

Hope I helped a bit Feel free to message me if you would like to talk!

Kyra
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Re: i think i hate my little brother - August 17th 2014, 09:09 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by fat_santa_123 View Post
Thanks for the help and the warm welcome. Ive talked to my mum about it and she agreed to start sending him to a place for kids (like counselling) where he can express his feelings and explain the things he does which ii think is great and he thinks its a good idea too. Ive also told him he can talk to his big sister anytime he needs. Thanks so much for the advice! It really helped
I'm very glad to hear it. I do really hope it will help him to express some of the feelings he's clearly having difficulty with, and in time that will - in theory - improve things for all of you.

Well done to you, too, for being there for him - by the sounds of it, he's caused you a lot of hurt already, and your loyalty is going to be very helpful for him, even if it wasn't easy for you.


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Re: i think i hate my little brother - August 17th 2014, 11:07 PM

Someone already got to this - this sounds like my cousin who is the same age as your brother (11) and he has oppositional defiance disorder as well.

I think given his extreme behaviours it might be worth getting psychological help. If you did get a diagnosis for him that could help because there are a lot of kids like this and in a lot of urban areas there are programs specifically tailored to children with these sort of behavioural disorders.

I understand that it is difficult for you too. My cousin (there are 2 of them) struggles a lot with the fact that her brother is like this - she tries to act like it's ok but it's not. My aunt and uncle sometimes have to more more attention to him than her to deal with his issues and it's not fair but sadly that's how it often goes when there is a child with problems whether it is because of legal stuff or mental health disabilities cancer or even just favouritism. It sucks. It's not even like the sibling gets attention you want it's just that they get it.

Also, in your case people probably wrongly assume it's the fault of the parents and thus you must be bad too! It's silly but that's how people often think. I know many families where I am surprised siblings live in the same home because they're so different. All you can do here is behave as your best self and hope that is enough. People will assume things, hell, people thought I was a spoiled rich best growing up. I didn't like that because it wasn't true but this is the consequence of being privileged. You just have to ignore it and prove people wrong.

If your brother is in counselling now the counsellor will likely refer him to necessary programs in your area to make sure he gets what he needs.

As for you, try to reach out ok, if you have any older siblings, cousins, friends or what have you, they can try to support you




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