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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Fried is ruining friendship and blaming it all on me - August 21st 2014, 06:16 PM

I know that this is very very long, and I am afraid no one will answer but I am praying that someone will take the time to read this as I am very desperate, upset and in need of ways to deal with this situation!!!!

Ok, my friend was complaining that sometimes it seems like I am a bit mean over texting cause I am very honest (and don't always soften it enough) or to sarcastic (and she didn't know if I meant it or not) and I have tried to understand.... But when she visited me for a week I felt like she was coming at me for a lot of stuff and her stressors at home were causing her a lot of stress which added to even more stress between us and we had a very tense visit.

I thought it was resolved when she went home but then there were still a few tense moments and I felt like she was coming at me a lot and just started to feel sort of attacked but if I tried to defend myself I felt like she was just like "well obviously you're overreacting" (excuse me? you just accused me of having no compassion, how did you expect me to take that?!?!?!?!) or "well, I can see you aren't willing to listen to me" (oh, so I am not happy to sit idly by while to criticize various different parts of my personality/life choices etc? Say it aint't so!!!) and now she's acting like she needs a break from MY messages because I stress her out mean while I am practically in tears and am shaking from being so angry, frustrated or upset every time we talk.

Then about a week after she got home she demoted me from maid of honour to being bridesmaid on the grounds that I am "to far away and to busy" but these are both facts that she knew about me when she asked me to be maid of honour to begin with, so I know that's only half true (she probably didn't realize that it would make it more challenging for me to do a lot of stuff given that it takes me 2 days to drive home) but I know the other half of the reason is the tension between us.... And things didn't improve from there.

I feel like I can't say anything to her and tell her how much the way she is treating me is hurting me and how scared I am that we are going to lose our friendship because I feel like she'll turn it around on me and make it be all my fault and that the things she says are "for my own good" because she refuses to understand how HER overreactions might stress ME out (so we're both contributing to why there are problems) and how her constant criticism is hurting me - she'll act like it's in her right because I am not always a saint either, but I feel like if I am supposed to have a chance to improve on things that bother her that I need to not feel like I am being attacked every other day or that things are otherwise tense between us and not feel like she's trying to make it all my fault.

I am crying even as I try to type this message. I can't deal with how she's treating me any more. I keep trying to text her and share interesting/fun things in the hopes that focusing on positive things will help, I don't want to just completely ignore her.

But I A) don't want to be in the wedding party at all and B) don't really even want to be her friend.

I don't want to talk to her. But when I took a few days and didn't talk to her then she acted like I should have been talking to her and "oh wow I haven't heard from you in a while, it was your turn to initiate blah blah blah"... So ok,
#1. who the fuck cares who started talking to who first last time we talked. If you have something to say to me then say it but don't wait around for me to talk to you.
#2 I needed a fucking break, which just proves how oblivious she is to the pain she's causing me

I need a serious hard core break from her. I think we essentially communicated that now as she said she needed a break - but I need it too and I feel like I can't tell her that I agree we need a break from each other because she got to it first and it'll be another reason for me to be attacked by her if I dare to respond with an agreement, I've tried messaging her a response and hopefully she doesnt bitch back - again, in her comunication suggesting these she said "I don't have this problem with anyone else", uhm, yeah, I was thinking the same, she is the one person causing me an excessive amount of anxiety/stress/unhappiness in my life right now, but nooooo it's all my fucking fault, I am the only one contributing to this problem (I'M NOT!)

Right now I don't want to be in her wedding and I don't want to really even be her friend if this is how I can expect to be treated. I feel upset and stressed out every time I deal with her, I'm always terrified of when she will next take a comment as my being harsh/rude/mean/etc. when it was really just an innocent comment or sarcasm to prove a point etc. or when she'll decide to get pissed off over some little comment (ex. my not knowing she was working nights and didn't want to be talked to, she started getting pissed off over my explanation there) so even on a "good day" I have become apprehensive of dealing with her.

I want to write her a letter or something to give to her in a week or 2 so that she can understand how much anxiety and pain she is causing me but I absolutely hate confrontation, especially in situations like this where I feel like she's created a slippery slope in which I have no footing in which to defend myself against her treatment towards me or even tell her why it's not fair for her to treat me the way she is while expecting something different from myself, and I feel I can't just because I am not always perfect myself and yet I feel like that's what she expects, it's like she expects me to put all this effort into being a little ray of sunshine while she attacks me for every little thing that she could possibly find a little irksome (half or most of which have nothing to do with my being overly sarcastic/overly honest).... But I can't go on feeling this way nor can I ignore her forever to avoid more confrontation (more fighting/attacks or for resolution) - at some point I have to talk to her because I am a bridesmaid!

And more to the point, I am wondering if there is any way I can graciously back out of being a bridesmaid without it being obvious that it's because of our fighting - because I still love her, I don't want to lose her as my friend, I just no longer feel like representing her when she wants to be a shitty friend to me, and I could easily do what she did and say that I don't think I'll be able to get enough time off of work plus it'll be to large of a financial burden for me right after graduating etc., additionally she doesn't really seem to be that interested in having my help at all what so ever any longer so shouldn't she get a friend who's help she actually wants and who's help she'll take without her getting snarky? I really don't think she wants me there either but doesn't know how to say so outright - plus one of the other bridesmaids already stepped down because of her own financial and family situation and I would feel bad if she lost her 2 best friends (neither os us really wanted to take the financial burden to stand up with her, what does that say about her that boh her friends friends aren't willing to "suck it up" so to say) and she's one of those people who cares a lot about perceptions, so I would feel extremely bad leaving her to worry what people must be thinking... While for very valid reasons it would definitely be hard for her and I am wondering if a "real" friend would suck it up and stay in the wedding party to allow her to save face? I think I will try to clear up the tension first and then approach no longer being a bridesmaid sometime after that?




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Re: Fried is ruining friendship and blaming it all on me - August 22nd 2014, 12:54 AM

Hi,

This does sound like a big problem. I think the most important things for you to do right now are A) stand up for yourself and B) keep being open-minded.

You need to talk to your friend about the situation, and tell her how much stress it's all causing you. I think it's a good idea not to bring up the bridesmaid thing just yet, and stick to clearing up the tension. Just tell her (preferably in person so it'll b harder for her to ignore it) that you've been really stressed out about your friendship, and while you don't want to lose her, right now she seems like a bit more trouble than she's really worth. Try to be polite but honest.

Also, keep in mind that she's probably stressed out about this, too. It might be hard, but admitting to her (and yourself) that you were maybe a bit hard on her or mean over texts will make her more willing to listen to you. Think about how she's feeling: some of your texts are clearly making her very upset, and she has an upcoming wedding to plan as well.

Just let her know that you need a break to think things over. If it keeps hurting you this much, you might want to break off from this friendship. It will be hard, but you would probably feel better with all this out of your way.

Hope that helped


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Re: Fried is ruining friendship and blaming it all on me - August 22nd 2014, 01:46 AM

And that's just it. I'm willing t concede that things happen which might bug her. Fine I'll try to be more conscious. But at the same time so,e of the things she's taking as a problem are insane and over board and when I try to tell her that what she is percieving as a bad thing really isn't related to that she just shoots me down and continues it. Then she'll tell me I am immature, have no compassion, don't understand anything etc which are all very untrue. I know I am argumentative. I'm uptight. I know I am stubborn almost to a fault. I know a lot of things about myself that are not necessarily perfect. But lacking maturity for my age group or lacking compassion are 2 inaccurate things. But if I defend myself she won't hear it. I can't deal with feeling abused like that any longer.

I'm glad you also agree I shouldn't step down until everything else is resolved

The sad thing is we have been friends for abut 15 years. She used to think I was such a great person. To be honest even that kind of bugged me because I sort of felt like she put me on a pedestal where I felt like I had to be a certain way around her because she liked this shiny polished version of me and not the version that had flaws. But now it's like she is attacking every last flaw when ever she can I have and then going and imagining a few new ones (read the above) and it's like, you know she has flaws too. She's really insecure. She's clingy. She needs validation for everything. She practically needs people to hold her hand and help her through every choice she makes. She's narrow minded and sheltered. She puts on the shiny perfect front where she is confident and self assured on social media but she really isn't. But I also see a situation in which that's just who she is and those traits were made worse by the fact that her parents had issues and didn't give her the support she needed and by the fact that she had an abusive boyfriend. She will probably never be fully independent or confident. But she's also worked really hard to be more confident. And I don't attack her for those qualities even when it gets on my nerves cause it gets a bit annoying having to constantly reassure her or what ever. So what gives her the right to attack me for not being perfect?

So I'm trying really hard to be forgiving and understanding. I want to work it out but the longer she drags it this situation where she treats me like shit and makes me feel like shit and then acts like it's all my fault the less interest I have in caring about why I should give a fuck beyond that fact that I don't want to lose one of my oldest friends. But what does that mean for me if she's going to be a crap friend? She reads things int my messages that weren't there and then attacks me and says I'm the evil one and I'm like ok clearly I shouldn't be a bridesmaid. The wedding was already a huge stressor between us but I need to back it for the right reasons and not because I am angry at her.

I'm just sick of being made into the bad guy while she attacks me 24/7 and acts like it's ok for her t make me feel bad




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Re: Fried is ruining friendship and blaming it all on me - August 22nd 2014, 02:07 AM

Hey there,

I don't really think there's much you can do while she's in this antagonistic mood. It could be because of the wedding, because brides often get really stressed beforehand, what with the arrangements and everything.

I think you should try coping until after the wedding, but if she's still treating you that badly even after there's not that many things that are stressing her, I don't think that your relationship with her will last very long.

But communication is the most important thing! Talk to her face to face (preferably when she has less stuff going on), and you guys can work on bringing your friendship back )

Feel free to message me if you would like to talk!

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Re: Fried is ruining friendship and blaming it all on me - August 22nd 2014, 02:24 AM

Kyra the wedding is next September. I cannot tolerate this abuse for another 13 months. If the wedding was this September I'd be way more understanding to her shitty behaviour. But I cannot tolerate her treating me like crap for another year. I have enough problems without her dragging me down into hers.




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Re: Fried is ruining friendship and blaming it all on me - August 22nd 2014, 08:59 AM

Hey there,

I think you need to think about what it is you get from the friendship, in the past and in the present, why are you holding on to this friendship? Friendships are supposed to build you up. Friends are supposed to give you moral support. And, while I must admit that every type of relationship goes through it's rocky moments you have to decide if you can/want to continue putting up with this.

I think you and your friend do need to have a discussion. You need to talk things out. This is probably going to be made complicated by the fact that you are living far away from one another so you won't be able to have the conversation face to face. However, I don't think you should allow her to continue treating you this way. Maybe once you guys talk you will realize there was some kind of miscommunication between the two of you that led to this or maybe you will realize that it is time for you two to part way. But, it is important for you two to communicate and figure out why this is going on. You deserve to get your feelings out.

As for pulling out of the wedding, I don't think that would be a good idea. If you want to continue being friends with her I think you should participate in the wedding. I think that, if you two can overcome this, you might even feel bad about pulling at in the years that come.

I hope that this helped and I am wishing you the best of luck.


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  (#7 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Fried is ruining friendship and blaming it all on me - August 22nd 2014, 04:30 PM

It's not getting better, she gave me no space. Started blaming me again. When I said I wanted to work on my end but I wanted her to know she'd been hurting me a lot lately she just started turning it around on me again (as expected) and while I am willing to accept my side of it she's not hearing me.

The longer this goes on the more I am sure that our friendship won't survive




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