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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Unhappy Is this all it'll ever be? - August 30th 2014, 01:05 AM

Last year, freshman year, there was this guy. Let's call him Chase. Somewhere during second semester, I got moved next to him in fifth period. (In our class, they put together tables of three, so there was also a third wheel, who we'll just leave out of this.)
We had talked a couple times before, I mean, we were acquaintances. So it wasn't really awkward. We started talking and joking around with each other right off the bat, and the rest of our friendship was history.
Things were perfect.
Of course I had to go and get all girly on him.

I ended up having a small crush on him. I can't resist funny guys, okay? I'm not exactly sure if he knew or not (part of me believes that he did, eventually, figure it out.) But towards the end of the year, we stopped talking. He was in the process of switching groups..."cliques", if you will. From his old friends, whom he had known for YEARS, to a new group of druggies and addicts. You know, those kids who are all about being "rebels", ditching class, "doing drugs" (though half of them just lie about it), and being jerks. I sort of stopped liking him at that point, because he was turning into a douchebag. With cliques, you have to act a certain way in order to fit in. So he was simply acting that way. And I guess acting that way meant he couldn't hang out with insignificant loners like me.

We talked briefly, occasionally, during class. But it wasn't like it used to be. We started to avoid each other, but I always saw him glancing at me. Mostly because I was glancing back at him.
I guess we ended the year on a bad note or something.

I thought this year would be different, and I thought that I was 110% OVER him. But I guess that's not the case. I constantly find myself glancing his way. We make eye contact a lot of times. He's always eyeing me whenever we walk past each other. It makes me feel like it's just me that's holding back from talking to him, and that maybe this whole thing is all my fault, after all.
I don't know why he even looks at me anymore. Is he expecting me to talk to him? This is why I think he knows about my past crush on him. Maybe he's just eyeing me because he thinks I'm just a weirdo who's stalking him. Which maybe isn't far from the truth, but still. I can't help it.
The other day, I was walking to class, and I ended up getting stuck in a crowd of students...right. next. to. him.
my entire body felt like electricity was coursing through my veins, and my knees felt really shaky, like jelly, like I was going to collapse. My stomach hurt with a tingly sensation.
I think I have it bad.

I don't want to like him anymore. I just want to be the friends we once were. But I'm terrified about trying to reboot our relationship.
All those nervous glances.
Is that all we'll ever be, anymore?

I want to talk to him, but I can't think of an excuse. It's especially impossible now that he has his new "friends". They kinda make me feel intimidated, and half of them already don't like me from things that have happened last year.
I have two classes with him. P.E. and History. P.E. would probably be the best time to "bump into him" and try to say something, but I don't know what the hell to say. Or how to even bump into him at all.

I suck at life.
Advice?


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Re: Is this all it'll ever be? - August 31st 2014, 02:25 AM

First of all, people who usually hang out with druggies aren't doing it to be "cool". It's usually cause there is something about those people they relate too. So why would he relate to the "bad" kids? It doesn't mean he's "bad" just that maybe something happened to derail him. Maybe something is going on and these are the people he relates too. Maybe it's because he feels like he can relax around them, he doesn't always have to be good or positive or what ever. What ever the reason is , it's not so easy to just chalk it up to "he's changed and thinks he's to good for me" or what ever. Any how, I say this because his reasons for going AWOL might not be purely related to status, and that makes all the difference.

I'm not saying that things should go back to normal. Friendships change and evolve. Things happen and cause relationships to evolve. Good or bad.

Just consider that maybe he wasn't out for a change of status and that he wasn't trying to hurt you. It'll be ok. Just let it be what it is, it'll unravel as it goes.




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Re: Is this all it'll ever be? - August 31st 2014, 06:03 AM

There could be a lot of reasons for his change in cliques. And, I think you have to take that into consideration before you try to 'reboot' the friendship. What are you looking for? Would you be okay with maintaining a friendship with someone who hangs out with the crowd that he does?

After you have considered these questions then I think you can work on what to say. The simplest thing you can say is asking him how he has been. Or, ask him how his summer was. Make it sweet and simple. "Hey, how have you been?" And, you can build on that. If there is something to build on you can try and make it work.

I hope that this helped in some way and I am wishing you the best of luck with all of this.


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Re: Is this all it'll ever be? - August 31st 2014, 10:39 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Always * View Post
First of all, people who usually hang out with druggies aren't doing it to be "cool". It's usually cause there is something about those people they relate too. So why would he relate to the "bad" kids? It doesn't mean he's "bad" just that maybe something happened to derail him. Maybe something is going on and these are the people he relates too. Maybe it's because he feels like he can relax around them, he doesn't always have to be good or positive or what ever. What ever the reason is , it's not so easy to just chalk it up to "he's changed and thinks he's to good for me" or what ever. Any how, I say this because his reasons for going AWOL might not be purely related to status, and that makes all the difference.

I'm not saying that things should go back to normal. Friendships change and evolve. Things happen and cause relationships to evolve. Good or bad.

Just consider that maybe he wasn't out for a change of status and that he wasn't trying to hurt you. It'll be ok. Just let it be what it is, it'll unravel as it goes.
Well, the druggies at my school aren't the quiet, serious, goth kids who act traumatized or whatever. We all call their table at lunch the "Ghetto table", because all they do is play rap music and sit there. A lot of the times, the boys grab at the girls in the wrong way, and they all act like they're cooler and above everyone. So maybe there is something bad that happened to some of them, but other than that, these are the kids who do everything wrong to seem cool. This is the group of kids where half of their members get expelled by the end of the year. They neglect their school-work and are rude to the teachers and anyone not in their "clique".
He doesn't really act as bad as them, as he's more of a chill...quiet guy. Not like shy quiet, just like he talks if he has something to say.

But you could be right. Maybe something did happen. I'm not sure.
I do know that he wasn't doing this specifically to hurt me. I've gone through a major change of groups before, and there was a time when I didn't belong anywhere and didn't know who to talk to. Maybe he felt the same way, and didn't know how to deal with leaving old friends behind either?

Thanks for the advice, it really opened up my eyes. c:

Quote:
Originally Posted by .:BreakingBeautifully:. View Post
There could be a lot of reasons for his change in cliques. And, I think you have to take that into consideration before you try to 'reboot' the friendship. What are you looking for? Would you be okay with maintaining a friendship with someone who hangs out with the crowd that he does?

After you have considered these questions then I think you can work on what to say. The simplest thing you can say is asking him how he has been. Or, ask him how his summer was. Make it sweet and simple. "Hey, how have you been?" And, you can build on that. If there is something to build on you can try and make it work.

I hope that this helped in some way and I am wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
I'm looking for a friendship with him so that the awkwardness between us can be put to an end. Also, I feel like he's such a cool and interesting person that I would love to have back in my life. I can't deal with the silence between us...it's honestly tearing me apart, on the inside.

I would definitely be okay with having a friendship with someone from that crowd. To me, he's not exactly "from" that crowd. And just because his group is bad and disrespectful to teachers, he doesn't really do all of the stuff that they do. He does neglect the class work, and had to go to summer school last year. But he doesn't back-talk or purposefully be rude to anyone. I think it's more about status, and reputation. His old group of friends were more nerds and goody-two-shoes, and I think he felt he just didn't fit in anymore. :/

I wish that talking to him was as simple as a "Hey, how have you been?" But the problem is...he's not really...I don't know. He wouldn't take a question like that seriously. Like, in our friendship, we never dealt with extremely serious or formal topics. We talked about our family once, but it was very brief. That's about as serious as things get.
I hope this isn't confusing. I feel like I'm bad at explaining things like this. I guess what I'm trying to say is that questions like that just don't work on him. It needs to be more casual...like a random funny/teasing comment.

But I'm not even sure how to go about finding a way to talk to him. Even if I'm 100% certain of what I'm going to tell him, I have no idea how to get close enough to talk to him, without making it awkward. And he's almost always around his "friends", and they really make me uncomfortable. A lot of them hate me, and I feel like if I tried to talk to him, they would just laugh and make fun of me. I mean, they've done it before, so why not do it now, too? :'c

Thank you for the advice. I'll try brainstorming some ideas, even though I'm not completely certain. I'm really scared; my emotions can't afford to lose yet another friend.


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Re: Is this all it'll ever be? - September 2nd 2014, 11:07 PM

Also, I guess I'm just really worried that maybe this friendship can't be saved. Could that be the case?


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Re: Is this all it'll ever be? - September 3rd 2014, 04:08 AM

Hey there,

The truth is it is possible that the friendship might not be repairable but it can't hurt to try. I think you should try and repair the friendship instead of worrying about the 'what ifs'. When you do that it causes you to stress about a lot of things you shouldn't. So, try and come up with some things you could say to him and go from there. I know that it might be hard to talk to him because of his friends but if you want to repair things with him you are going to have to try and get past the awkwardness.

I hope this helped and wishing you the best of luck.


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Re: Is this all it'll ever be? - September 6th 2014, 03:46 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by .:BreakingBeautifully:. View Post
Hey there,

The truth is it is possible that the friendship might not be repairable but it can't hurt to try. I think you should try and repair the friendship instead of worrying about the 'what ifs'. When you do that it causes you to stress about a lot of things you shouldn't. So, try and come up with some things you could say to him and go from there. I know that it might be hard to talk to him because of his friends but if you want to repair things with him you are going to have to try and get past the awkwardness.

I hope this helped and wishing you the best of luck.
I'll try, but it's just really hard to try to talk to someone after so many things have happened that I don't even understand why they impacted our friendship. I'm really nervous around his friends, too, because they were mean to me last year.
But thanks for the help. I'll try thinking of something... :/

Also, your signature quote is really inspirational in this situation. I'm not sure who could replace him to be better, because my school is literally so small that everyone has already made an opinion about me and it's extremely hard to change it.


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