TeenHelp
Support Forums Today's Posts

Get Advice Connect with TeenHelp Resources
HelpLINK Facebook     Twitter     Tumblr     Instagram    Hotlines    Safety Zone    Alternatives

You are not registered or have not logged in

Hello guest! (Not a guest? Log in above!)

As a guest on TeenHelp you are only able to use some of our site's features. By registering an account you will be able to enjoy unlimited access to our site, and will be able to:

  • Connect with thousands of teenagers worldwide by actively taking part in our Support Forums and Chat Room.
  • Find others with similar interests in our Social Groups.
  • Express yourself through our Blogs, Picture Albums and User Profiles.
  • And much much more!

Signing up is free, anonymous and will only take a few moments, so click here to register now!


Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Quarel Offline
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
Quarel's Avatar
 
Age: 21

Posts: 16
Join Date: September 8th 2012

Why the Fear? - September 1st 2014, 07:28 PM

I have this friend that's very important to me. While our friendship has potential, and is in a generally good place right now, I've identified a pattern in myself that I have trouble dealing with.

I'm the type of person that gets very attached to people I identify as "immediate friends". These are the people that I share my inner world with. While this attachment has the potential to be suffocating because of certain unhealthy elements, my awareness of those elements keeps it largely healthy. Issues come when I can't repress those unhealthy elements, which causes unhealthy externalizion.

I'm currently in the process of identifying those elements, which are undoubtetely based on fear. The root element and cause is the fear of not being wanted. In the context of my friendship, this fear gets triggered when I feel as though I'm being left behind, abandonned. A first example would be when we're walking in a group, and I'm not receiving as much attention from my friend as the other one. Thus implying that I'm less wanted than the other people.

So, there is a need for exclusive possession that is unhealthy. I feel the need to have the exclusive attention from this friend. When I don't, my shadow goes on a tantrum. Another trigger is when I feel as though she does not want to talk to me. An example would be when I'm on Facebook, and my replies aren't seen or replied to when online.

Though I find it rediculous that I feel in such a way when clearly it isn't about me. She doesn't give me as much attention in that the first example because she does not know how to talk to me in that instance. She doesn't see my message because she doesn't always check her messages when she's on Facebook. Either because she's busy or in a hurry

So, there's a question I have issues answering: Why do I still feel unwanted, when I know that isn't about me? Clearly, the answer has nothing to do with my friend, and everything to do with myself. In a way, I feel like a lost pup that grasps on anything to survive. But the thing is, grasping is fear. For me to really love and accept my friend, I musn't be scared. Because when I'm scared, I try to control and change her into something that isn't her. And that's not acceptance, it isn't love, it isn't friendship, it's fear.

I don't want to be afraid anymore, yet I still am.

Last edited by Quarel; September 1st 2014 at 08:34 PM.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Hypothesis. Offline
Not significant.

TeenHelp Veteran
*************
 
Hypothesis.'s Avatar
 
Name: Dez
Age: 23
Gender: They/them.
Location: Connecticut, USA

Posts: 19,250
Blog Entries: 139
Join Date: November 16th 2010

Re: Why the Fear? - September 1st 2014, 07:39 PM

Hey there,

Have you had past experiences, either with friends or family, that may make you fear that you are unwanted? For example, has a friend or family member treated you this way in the past? Think back to see if this may be a trigger, or something similar to it. If this is the case, you may be wanting the exclusive attention of your friend and fear the feeling of abandonment because it has happened in the past, and since you are so close to this friend, you don't want it happening again.

You can also think of other things that may be triggering you to feel this way, such as previous interactions with this friend, or even thinking back to your own self-esteem. Sometimes when we don't feel that great about ourselves and have a lower self-esteem, we may fear that people don't like us as much as they say they do, or that they are going to abandon us. Could that possibly be an issue? Look back and see if you can think of any other potential causes.

But you do have to stop and remind yourself sometimes, she is your friend for a reason. There is obviously something that is awesome about you that she likes. Remind yourself of all of the good qualities that you have, and also reassure yourself that the friendship is going well, and that she'd have no reason to abandon you. Remind yourself that sometimes people are busy or have other friends they want to catch up with, but it doesn't mean you are less important. She will return to you, eager to talk to you and spend time with you, too!

In other words, practice positive-self talk. If a thought comes into your head such as "I am unwanted," remind yourself that this friend, as well as other people in your life, love and care about you a lot, and you will always have somewhere to fit in. Replace the negative thoughts with positive.

Perhaps you can try and make other friends as well, such as by joining clubs and social groups, so you don't feel the need to be with her exclusively.

And perhaps there is someone you can talk to about this, even if it is someone like a guidance counselor. They can help you identify why you are feeling this way, and give you ways to cope. Also find ways to express your emotions in a healthy way, such as writing, art, music, or exercise, so everything isn't pent up inside.

You can do this!

-Dez


   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Quarel Offline
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
Quarel's Avatar
 
Age: 21

Posts: 16
Join Date: September 8th 2012

Re: Why the Fear? - September 1st 2014, 08:04 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Merpop. View Post
Hey there,

Have you had past experiences, either with friends or family, that may make you fear that you are unwanted? For example, has a friend or family member treated you this way in the past? Think back to see if this may be a trigger, or something similar to it. If this is the case, you may be wanting the exclusive attention of your friend and fear the feeling of abandonment because it has happened in the past, and since you are so close to this friend, you don't want it happening again.

You can also think of other things that may be triggering you to feel this way, such as previous interactions with this friend, or even thinking back to your own self-esteem. Sometimes when we don't feel that great about ourselves and have a lower self-esteem, we may fear that people don't like us as much as they say they do, or that they are going to abandon us. Could that possibly be an issue? Look back and see if you can think of any other potential causes.

But you do have to stop and remind yourself sometimes, she is your friend for a reason. There is obviously something that is awesome about you that she likes. Remind yourself of all of the good qualities that you have, and also reassure yourself that the friendship is going well, and that she'd have no reason to abandon you. Remind yourself that sometimes people are busy or have other friends they want to catch up with, but it doesn't mean you are less important. She will return to you, eager to talk to you and spend time with you, too!

In other words, practice positive-self talk. If a thought comes into your head such as "I am unwanted," remind yourself that this friend, as well as other people in your life, love and care about you a lot, and you will always have somewhere to fit in. Replace the negative thoughts with positive.

Perhaps you can try and make other friends as well, such as by joining clubs and social groups, so you don't feel the need to be with her exclusively.

And perhaps there is someone you can talk to about this, even if it is someone like a guidance counselor. They can help you identify why you are feeling this way, and give you ways to cope. Also find ways to express your emotions in a healthy way, such as writing, art, music, or exercise, so everything isn't pent up inside.

You can do this!

-Dez
I appreciate the support.

Concerning self-esteem, I seem to be divided on that. Under normal, conscious circumstances, I actually quite like myself. And I don't feel as though I have low self-esteem. But, unconsciously, there's a division that was created, which I will refer to as my "shadow". I think this shadow is actually a part of my personnality that got divided from the rest because of emotional scars.

I've always felt alien to the people around me. I didn't feel like a child, yet I didn't feel grow up. I talked differentely, whether I was using everyone's maternal language or not. I thought of the world differently, saw through things others saw as solid. While I hung out with adults more often than not, it was clear that I wasn't a part of that.

Whether this created my shadow or not, I have somewhat of a more sinister possibility that sometimes pops in my head. And that is of outright abuse, possibily sexual in nature. While I don't remember any abuse of that nature, I do remember neglect. And while I don't feel outright anger towards that neglect, it still troubles me that I don't have a strong conscious emotional reaction to that particular situation. Like if I was remembering a dream, it is disconnected.

So, there's the possibility that my shadow is hiding something that my conscious mind isn't ready to deal with. While I can see through it, and make out figures, I can't deal with it. I think it is that shadow that expresses itself when my friend triggers something. There's something deeply troubling in those figures, whether it was a particular event, or that feeling of alienation, it's dark. And it's scared.

While the rest of me has grown up, my shadow seems to still be a lost child, feeling abandonned and put aside. It doesn't know that it's loved. And while the best course of action is to help my shadow grow, my connection with it is sketchy. And I also fear what I will find behind that opaque glass. Maybe this pain is me seeing it, accepting it, letting it express itself. It's just a shame that my friend has to be the one to trigger that pain, because before I catch myself, she's the one that gets the flak in my mind.

Concerning positive-talk, I have the feeling that doing so would be treating the symtoms, rather than the disease. I think I need to talk with my friend about this. I think she understands and sees that my episodes of sadness aren't about her. I just have trouble being patient with myself, and my shadow. I need to feel loved, but a part of me feels like my friend can't provide that love because she has her own shadow to tackle with.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Quarel Offline
Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
 
Quarel's Avatar
 
Age: 21

Posts: 16
Join Date: September 8th 2012

Re: Why the Fear? - September 1st 2014, 08:34 PM

More than anything, I think I'm looking for strength right now. Strength that I'm having a hard time finding on my own. I already know where I am, eventhough I'm still unsure why I am where I am. How to stay strong in front of pain?
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Celyn Offline
~One Skittles Minion~

Jeez, get a life!
***********
 
Celyn's Avatar
 
Name: Holly
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Location: Wales

Posts: 5,592
Blog Entries: 154
Join Date: June 16th 2009

Re: Why the Fear? - September 2nd 2014, 11:42 AM

Hi there,

I've been through similar experiences with the feelings you described, but I haven't figured it out yet either.

For me, I was sexually abused when I was 9 and possibly emotionally neglected. I did feel 'different' even though I didn't understand why. I just couldn't be like my friends, but I was scared around adults too, even though I was described by teachers as 'mature'. As I grew up, the differences became greater and I got bullied throughout high school. I still didn't understand why I was 'different'.

When I got to university, I made friends, but still couldn't shake that feeling. Like you described, when I was with friends, sometimes I felt left out. I have a best friend of 15 years, and yet, when she talks to other people more than me, I feel slightly jealous, like she prefers them over me. I am also friends with an old teacher of mine and see her as a mother figure, but I get feelings of jealousy with her too. I know it's not about the other people, more to do with me. Due to my own experiences, I have felt like a child in some instances, and an adult in others. I think that for me, it has come down to my own experiences, trust issues and low self-esteem.

I agree with Merpop, that old experiences may be triggering you. You also mention possible neglect and abuse, but that you can't remember it. It is entirely possible for the brain to block out memories of the abuse. If you feel this may be the case, then it may be worthwhile looking into counselling, where you will be able to tackle the shadow, but in a safe environment.


I believe you are strong!
   
Closed Thread

Bookmarks

Tags
fear

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




All material copyright 1998-2019, TeenHelp.
Terms | Legal | Privacy | Conduct | Complaints

Powered by vBulletin®.
Copyright ©2000-2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search engine optimization by vBSEO.
Theme developed in association with vBStyles.