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Post I'm not my father's son - May 9th 2009, 08:04 AM

Not a problem per se, more of a venting of confusion.

Every son feels a special bond to their fathers. I've noticed this a lot - even in sons who are rebellious often follow their fathers. While my Dad and I have a great relationship, I can't help but kick the feeling that I'm nothing like him. I never have been. It's more like two best friends than father and son. I think a lot of it has to do with nature rather than nurture, something purely and basically instinctual. Any ways around it, I'm not my father's son.

A lot of guys feel that sometimes - I guess. But, for me, it's real. My father didn't raise me, my adoptive father did. I think I'm my real father's son, actually in a way I kind of know I am.

I have this side of me that is purely instinct. Something my adad told me has nothing to do with anyone in the family, it can't be nurture and if that's not it - only one thing it can be - nature. It's something in my blood. That instinct is the "fight not flight" mode my brain is hardwired into.

I hear a gun shot, I'm not running away, I'm running in to sacrifice my life to save others. In only twenty-one years, I've been thrust into situations that specifically had me face that side of myself and the dark side that comes with it.

A part of me believes it came from my real father. That he was some kind of a hero or something, maybe a cop, a soldier, a resistance fighter, maybe just someone who risked his life to save others. Whatever it was, I know I didn't get it from nurture - creating the question of what exactly that means. There's "cop families," "soldier families," and so on causing me to question that there could actually be something to this.

When my adoptive father told me that that wasn't in him or anyone else in our family, I don't know if he knows this, but that's what triggered the need to know my real parents - especially my father. It had to come from somewhere.

Kind of like Luke and Anakin Skywalker, or Captain James Kirk and his Dad, I can name others - but, that's what it seems like. If it is, I need to know him, I need to know if it comes from him and if it does, how should I use it. I feel like, it's something only he can teach me.

I need my Dad to teach me how to be a man. I'm my father's son, only thing is - I'm not with my father now. I desperately need to find him though if I'm to understand what it is I'm meant to do. Maybe it's not in him, but on the other hand - what if it is?

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; May 9th 2009 at 08:13 AM.
   
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Re: I'm not my father's son - May 9th 2009, 03:48 PM

sometimes, a bond can exist between people who have never met. You do carry a piece of your birth father in you, obviously, so maybe it is part of your blood. Having said that, one man is never another. Everyone has a lesson to teach us, but I dont think that one man (father or not) holds the key to who you are and what you will become. Im not saying dont find him, if you feel you need to then best of luck. But I think that who you really are can only be discovered by you. Moving on in your life is a process not a moment. Who knows, the journey to find your real dad may teach you more about yourself then anyone can know.


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Re: I'm not my father's son - May 9th 2009, 03:55 PM

Hi Josh,

It really sounds like you've given this a lot of thought, and I think that's great. Finding out who you are is a key thing to do in life. I also think that if you want to meet your father, then you should.

One thing I want to make clear, though, is that you are you because of how you think, what you believe, and how you choose to live your life every day. You have instincts just like everyone else, but they are specific to you and how you feel. So although I think meeting your dad is a great idea and would be a good way to connect with him, I don't think that is how you should learn about who you are. The answers to that can't be given to you, they need to come from your experiences.

Learn from the people around you, but also use your judgment. If you want to be someone that protects others, then educate yourself about the careers that can lead you in that direction. Part of growing up is doing things and learning on your own. So think about how you feel and about what you're interested in and do something that combines both.

There are no easy answers to this kind of situation. Find your dad and talk to him if you feel that will help, but keep in mind that you are your own person and the only one who can know what is right for you is you.

Nat.


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Re: I'm not my father's son - May 9th 2009, 04:23 PM

I know my real father can never have all of the answers and can't completely mold me. But, being an adoptee - I'm a being torn in half. Unable to attain the other half for me to begin to seek out the means of being complete.

Most others wouldn't understand that because all their lives they were provided with their nature and nurture. I never got to know or even see what's in my nature, I don't know what that feels like to share the same personality traits and mannerisms with someone else. For normal people, that is their family - whether intending to or not the child becomes the parent later on in life. It's part of the struggle that I see, yet could never truly experience. Here? There's no knowledgeable parent of who I will become. Reunion stories have shown one consistency - the birth family, regardless of space, have similar quirks, personality and reactions - that's genetic.

So, being a free-floating being torn in half. It's hard to complete the journey without knowing the other side of who I am.

Yes, the Kents did teach Clark Kent his moral compass and how to be the man he is today - but it was only after Jor-El that Clark was able to become Superman. Because Clark, similar to most adoptees, needs to know both sides of who he is before he could fly.
   
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Re: I'm not my father's son - May 10th 2009, 12:16 AM

I feel for you. Even though I can't say that I know what you're going through, I really do. Can you not find your dad? It seems to me that this is the only way you can appease yourself. If I can be of any assistance, please let me know.


Forgiveness doesn't require love, but love requires forgiveness. Healing is a process, not a moment. If life is coming at you hard, why would you stand in the way? And yes, I do have to wear my ripped jeans.
   
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Re: I'm not my father's son - May 10th 2009, 05:03 AM

The hardest part of it is due to the adoption process, the way it was back in 1988 internationally, the chances are slim to none. I'm undertaking the search at the end of senior year of college next year as per my mom's request to hold off until after college.

Despite the odds though, everything is pointing to this being the next stage of my life that I'm meant to go through in order to become the man I'm meant to be. It became a looming presence in my life about a month ago and from what I've seen and experienced in my twenty-one years being here that usually points towards something I'm meant, supposed to, and will inevitably do.

As said in Star Wars, "Luke's just not a farmer, Owen. He has too much of his father in him."

Last edited by ThePunkAlien; May 10th 2009 at 05:23 AM.
   
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