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My therapist called my mom manipulative... help - August 7th 2015, 05:36 AM

Hi, so, I found this forum by chance and I'm pretty... desperate right now. I'll try to keep it short.

I've been diagnosed with major depression, but my mom seems to be in denial. Everytime we go to my psychiatrist, he always says the same: "Your kid's depression is severe, it's very hard to live with it" etc. My mom nods and agrees, but as soon as we get home, she constantly tells me off, calling me lazy, that I have no future, I do nothing but cry all day... like... didn't she listen to any of what my psychiatrist said?
When my brother asked her what I have (depression) she said she didn't know. She also doesn't let me tell anyone that I'm mentally ill because "I'll make her look bad".

I've told this to my therapist, and she said my mom is "manipulative".
My mom is a recurrent topic in every session we have, because she always seems to be the reason or is involved in every depressive meltdown I have.
My mom has severe ocd and she's very, very overprotective. She doesn't let me go out, but then she yells at me because I have no friends. She's scared if I go to buy groceries, but then she gets angry because I'm all day inside. I mean, she didn't even let me cut my own food till i was like 9. I am 19 years old and I don't know how to do the very basic things to survive, because she's always done everything for me.

The thing is, on one side, I think "Yeah, my mom is very manipulative and she's one of my problems" but on the other side... I feel like I'm being ungrateful. She's done so much for me... she's a great, loving mother. She's overprotective because she cares, and I feel really awful for not giving anything back... currently I'm not working or studying a carreer, and she's always behind me telling me to just grow up and do it, but I can't... I can't. I feel like I don't know how to do anything. I'm lost without her guiding me. I always need her help, and she's always there, even if she does say mean things sometimes.
I'm just so fucking worthless and stupid, it's not fair she has to deal with me. I don't know how many times I've wished she would've just aborted me or something. I not only make her illness worse, but I also make her spend lots of money on my medications and therapy and for what? For nothing. There are many times I wonder if I truly have depression or I'm just making everything up and exaggerating to play the victim... I'm tired...

sorry for my english, it's not my first language and thanks if you read. makes me feel less alone
   
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Re: My therapist called my mom manipulative... help - August 7th 2015, 06:01 AM

Hello there and welcome

A few things came to mind as I read this. The first being that depression lies to you, it's one of the ways the illness gets a hold of you. So, the end of your post is not true, you are not worthless, stupid or anything else negative you listed there. It's also a very real illness and is seldom, if ever made up.

Also, appreciating someone for what they do for you and agreeing with everything they do or say are two separate things. You can appreciate what someone does for you without agreeing with their actions.


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Re: My therapist called my mom manipulative... help - August 7th 2015, 12:53 PM

Hi,

Like Kate, I don't think appreciation/gratitude and loyalty are mutually exclusive.

You can still love your mother and think of her as a loving, protective and wonderful person. Doesn't mean that you have to agree with everything she does and do what she says knowing fully well that it doesn't help you in any way and more importantly if it's causing you harm.

I can't say that your mum is indeed manipulative. I can, however guarantee you that you are not worthless and definitely not stupid. Depression convinces us to believe strange lies about ourselves. It can particularly make us think we know what other people are thinking about us and that those things they are thinking are true, when they really are not. Try not to think on it. It's excruciatingly hard. Still, there is no substance behind those thoughts and I would like you to know that. You are so much more than you think you are.

It's going to be hard to deal with your mum. It's probably because she doesn't want to admit to herself what she's feeling or the fact that you've been diagnosed with depression. She's probably just in denial. Parents would like to think they can protect us from everything, but that's hardly true. They can prepare us if they choose, not protect us all the time. If she isn't willing to see things from your perspective, give it a try and look at things through her perspective - just to gain a more comprehensive understanding of the situation, so that you are more informed and can figure out how to go about things by just being yourself. Maybe give her a hug now and again, and ask her how her day was. Let her know that things are going to be okay, that you're going to be okay. Sometimes all we need is reassurance. This may be a little difficult for you to do considering you are coping with your own emotions. If you can give it a go, it might help. If you need to talk at all, feel free to message me or post again.

Take care x


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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My therapist called my mom manipulative... help - August 7th 2015, 11:51 PM

Welcome to the site As the above posters have said, you are not stupid or worthless. It sounds as if you have a complicated relationship with your mother and if I may ask, do you know why your mother has been so overprotective of you for your entire life?

Perhaps it would be a good idea for your mother to sit in on a therapy session with you. It may help her to better understand what you are dealing with in addition to both you and your therapist being able to speak to her about things you's feel she should know.
   
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Re: My therapist called my mom manipulative... help - August 8th 2015, 08:30 PM

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Originally Posted by Spirit. View Post
It's going to be hard to deal with your mum. It's probably because she doesn't want to admit to herself what she's feeling or the fact that you've been diagnosed with depression. She's probably just in denial. Parents would like to think they can protect us from everything, but that's hardly true. They can prepare us if they choose, not protect us all the time. If she isn't willing to see things from your perspective, give it a try and look at things through her perspective - just to gain a more comprehensive understanding of the situation, so that you are more informed and can figure out how to go about things by just being yourself. Maybe give her a hug now and again, and ask her how her day was. Let her know that things are going to be okay, that you're going to be okay. Sometimes all we need is reassurance. This may be a little difficult for you to do considering you are coping with your own emotions. If you can give it a go, it might help. If you need to talk at all, feel free to message me or post again.
Thanks for the reply. I do try to put myself in her shoes, and I understand why she acts the way she does. However she does some things that my therapist considers "manipulative". For eg, part of my therapy is to stop bottling up my feelings and tell her that she's hurting me. But when I do it, she just goes like "yeah yeah it's all my fault, ok yeah whatever" and ignores me. It's really, really hard for me to stay calm and not punch her in the face when I confront her, and when she ignores me like that it drives me crazy, honestly.
Don't get me wrong, we're very close and share a lot of time together, but it's awful when she doesn't take me seriously. And to be honest, I'm tired of pretending I'm okay. I did that for too many years. I want her to finally understand that I'm not okay.
   
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Re: My therapist called my mom manipulative... help - August 9th 2015, 06:31 AM

I can understand your frustration. To some extent I can relate as well, on a much smaller scale because of the relationship I share with my mother and the transitions we went through to figure each other out and found a neutral stage to share our feelings.
You are right. There is no need to pretend or feign happiness when you are not happy because it means you are not being true to yourself and more importantly you are not honoring your emotions and the part that they play in your life.
Maybe it would help conveying that this is not a blame game and no one is at fault. Your mother need not apologise for who she is and neither should you. That doesn't automatically mean there has to be disagreement. It's very important for her to know that you're not blaming her for anything. I've had to convey this to my mother on many an occasion, repeatedly.
Also, if you think talking in your riled up states of mind is going to cause a bit of a tiff then you could write a letter to her? That way, she reads it entirely and you get to say what you would like to without interruption and it creates an open and safe space to communicate. What do you think? x


~Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above.
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved.

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As wild and as reckless as thunder over the land.
Racing with the eagle, soaring with the wind.
Flying? There were times I believed I could."




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Re: My therapist called my mom manipulative... help - August 9th 2015, 08:10 PM

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Originally Posted by Spirit. View Post
I can understand your frustration. To some extent I can relate as well, on a much smaller scale because of the relationship I share with my mother and the transitions we went through to figure each other out and found a neutral stage to share our feelings.
You are right. There is no need to pretend or feign happiness when you are not happy because it means you are not being true to yourself and more importantly you are not honoring your emotions and the part that they play in your life.
Maybe it would help conveying that this is not a blame game and no one is at fault. Your mother need not apologise for who she is and neither should you. That doesn't automatically mean there has to be disagreement. It's very important for her to know that you're not blaming her for anything. I've had to convey this to my mother on many an occasion, repeatedly.
Also, if you think talking in your riled up states of mind is going to cause a bit of a tiff then you could write a letter to her? That way, she reads it entirely and you get to say what you would like to without interruption and it creates an open and safe space to communicate. What do you think? x
Umm, I haven't thought about that. Maybe I should write to her, but I don't know if it would work as I want.
I don't want to blame her for every problem I have, but sometimes I'd like to hear an "I'm sorry" and just talk calmly and/or try to figure out how we can solve the problem. But that never happens. I don't know. Thanks for the tip though, I really appreciate it :>
   
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Re: My therapist called my mom manipulative... help - August 9th 2015, 08:12 PM

Ah, Ive had similar experiences. When I first started therapy, that's how my mother was. My mom would listen to the therapist, then once we got home, she would seemingly use what the therapist says against me. My dad is the one who's overprotective and it can be overbearing. Currently, I'm timed when I sleep to make sure I don't sleep to late, but I can't help it. Sometimes, I refuse to go out because I'm scared of people staring, however my parents don't allow me to go far anyways. They expect me to be friends with the kids in my neighborhood who are either younger or trouble makers, and both my parents have put me down MANY times (before my mother said I'd have 21 kids, with no husband on welfare because she was mad at me). My therapist believes that my father is the main cause of my depression, however he refuses to go to therapy with me.

To be honest, I'm basically in the same boat as you. I don't know how to do certain stuff because a) my parents did it for me, or b) my parents simply didn't allow me to do it. As far as your mother being overprotective, I think it's a parents thing. When we're older, we'll most likely feel the same because MANY parents are overprotective nowanowadays because of all the stuff happening in the world, so I actually understand why they would be. However, I do believe parents should allow people to do stuff on their own, because when it's time for them to "fly out of the nest", they won't know what to do, or even how to so stuff. Normally, with depression, it's pretty normal to feel unmotivated. If you want to start off a career, or even a simple job, maybe try volunteering. I heard working in pet shelters are the best! So, don't be so hard on yourself. You're not stupid, or worthless. I even have my hard days at times, but then again, your depression will have you thinking that way, but that doesn't mean it's true at all. I also agree with Kav, maybe writing a letter will be a little easier on both tou and your mother. I wish you both the best!
   
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Re: My therapist called my mom manipulative... help - August 12th 2015, 05:11 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Novi View Post
Umm, I haven't thought about that. Maybe I should write to her, but I don't know if it would work as I want.
I don't want to blame her for every problem I have, but sometimes I'd like to hear an "I'm sorry" and just talk calmly and/or try to figure out how we can solve the problem. But that never happens. I don't know. Thanks for the tip though, I really appreciate it :>
Sometimes it may not work out the way we want it to. Then again, it often works in the way that we require it to, if we're open enough to allow things to fall into place. Maybe you should just say, along with what you'd like to say, that you don't know what will work but that you would like to find a way to work through things together. I'm not suggesting that you set low expectations, rather if you try and not have an expectation you won't be invested in the outcome. This means that you will be able to work with the kind of response you receive without being carried away by emotions that would otherwise overwhelm you. I really hope this works out for you if you opt for it. If you need to talk, please feel free to message me anytime. xx


~Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone
In a world that she can't rise above.
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she's loved.

Concrete Angel



"And so I grew from colt to stallion
As wild and as reckless as thunder over the land.
Racing with the eagle, soaring with the wind.
Flying? There were times I believed I could."




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