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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Always * Offline
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Saying goodbye to a friend of 17 years... - August 12th 2015, 09:51 PM

Ok, so yeah, I have had friends for 17 years (since I was 7-ish), which is kind of scary because I feel like at 24 I am SOOOO not that old (probably has something to do with how university that has kept me in a not-quite-full-adult stage for so long).

Any ways, so I have this friend who is REALLY self-absorbed, materialistic, you have to walk on egg shells around her a lot etc. She plays the victim a lot (if we get into a fight, she'll make herself to be an innocent little lamb while I'm a big bad evil wolf).

In the last year we've had 2 major-ish fights. Every conversation is about her - if I text about myself, she'll ignore me (sometimes for several days, but sometimes indefinitely until she comes to talk about herself OR I ask her how she is doing). When it's about her, she's all ears. Even if I try to bring something up that's going on in my life it's all "oh good for you <3 <3 I'm happy for you" and immediately back to herself for all eternity, we never get to focus on me (super one sided). Lately I have realized she cares more about material things and how things look than her friends and what kind of financial strain we're facing.

I've officially hit my breaking point after this last blow up. Both fights are because she takes a little thing, blows it out of proportion, insults me as a human being about things that aren't even relevant and makes me feel awful, won't even think about my POV, and so on and so forth (basically she escalates things that should have been non-issues). I can't keep upholding a friendship like this and trying to make excuses for her behaviour. Yes, I understand why she acts like she does but that doesn't make it ok to cause me the amount of anxiety or stress that she does. She might be a lovely girl, but the drama and stress she causes have gotten to be much.

For years, it has periodically bugged me that I cannot go to her when ever I am dealing with something because she won't be around or helpful, yet I have always tried to support her in the best way that I possibly can. I haven't always been a perfect friend but I have been far more available and helpful and supportive than she's been in return.

I've decided it's time to cut my losses. We have a function in a few weeks so I have to play nice. But I honestly don't know what to do after that. I have never reached the point where I have seriously thought it would be better to toss in the rag on one of my oldest friends rather than stick it out.

The thing is that as much as I am feeling more and more certain of my choice, the more I know that what ever I do this fall/winter I cannot burn a bridge because there is a chance that we can repair our friendship if she finally realizes her self-absorbed, materialistic, vain, narcissistic behaviour isn't ok (she needs religion or a therapist or both... FYI, I'm not religious, I'm just saying). I mean, considering how this is a long-term problem I don't have high hopes because *reasons above*...

I 1/2 need to vent and I 1/2 need to know how to amicably put the breaks on a friendship to something that's more casual friendship (like if I'm in town maybe we get coffee and catch up, but we don't spend a lot of time dawdling and being all bff-ey).

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions

Last edited by Always *; August 12th 2015 at 10:19 PM.
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Re: Saying goodbye to a friend of 17 years... - August 13th 2015, 02:52 AM

If you want to end it amicably the best thing for you to do might be to just not contact her as much. Don't take initiative and ask her how she is doing etc. This will allow you to step away from the relationship without actually causing an argument.

I've never ended a friendship and had it stay amicable. Both people were people I needed to end things with but I didn't know how. I eventually confronted them about it and told them that being friends was no longer an option. They got mad at me and said some mean things but I didn't care that much and was able to laugh about it.

I think that confronting her about this will, potentially, lead to an argument but it might be something you have to do.

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