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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Not_here Offline
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how do i come to terms with it? - September 27th 2015, 07:01 PM

How do I come to terms with the realization that my dad is too immature to truly love me?

I have struggled with this for years. I think my first realization was when I was under the age of 6. And since then I've went through "episodes" of denying it and giving him benefit of the doubt/giving him chances or simply being so charmed by his kindness on his good days.

My high school days I would write in my diary. Thrn i would be too upset to write doen long passages and for some reason i felt like no one believes me (even though i never told anyone, becsuse i was forbidden) so i would write shorthand messages and notes to myself on my bedroom walls in pen and date them. I wrote things like "please don't be fooled by him being nice. Please remember all this pain" "please god kill me once and for all. If there is a god" "everything is my fault. I deserve death" "please disown me instead of keeping me only to torture me more" etc. Sadly I didn't listen to my own advice and I would tty hard to trust him and push away unsettling thoughts. I told myself I was being too dramatic.
Well since March of 2015 my family and I moved a block away from the previous residence. I had scrubbed off the pen writing from the walls and promised myself to not resort to vandalism. But I am at my wits end because I have no way to cope. The reality is upsetting me so much. And I do anything to convince myself that I'm the toxic one but that the family isn't dysfunctional. And that his behavior isn't toxic.

I keep trying to get his affection. I crave it. I'm desperate for it and I can't stand the idea of him being alive but wanting nothing to do with me. When I was a kid I would have nightmares about him dying. It started after my mother's death. But I've realized that's not the only way to be abandoned. It's like my fears came true in an unexpected way and it is taking me years to come to terms with it. How do I detach myself? I don't want to be the subject of his games anymore.

But if I let him go, I really won't have a single loving adult in my life. And I guess he already left me so I have to stop forcing him to do something he already gave up on. I already don't have a single loving adult, and hadn't for years now.
I just get passed on to different hands but turns out no one lasts. He told me I should pretend that he is dead, multiple times. That's what he wants
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Re: how do i come to terms with it? - September 27th 2015, 08:37 PM

I don't know how to come to terms with it; I think it takes a lot of time.

I have a person in my life and they're a lot like your dad but they aren't as bad as your dad is. They have a mental health issue and on top of that, they didn't have good parents so they didn't learn how to love others. In my experience, people like your dad are nice for a while and then they do something to push you away because they're uncomfortable with getting close to people. Reasons for that can vary but the reasons are probably deeply rooted in childhood somewhere.

It took me years to accept this about the person in my life. I kept telling myself that this is the way they are, and there's nothing I can do to change that. Only they can make that change if they want it badly enough. I eventually stopped expecting affection and emotional support and once I did that I felt a lot better. I don't expect anything from this person and if you go into things without expectations, anything positive that you do get is kind of like a bonus. I only show this person affection or support when they show it to me first; to humor them, if that makes sense.

Talking about it helped a lot. I think you should consider talking to someone about this because someone can validate it and tell you that you're most definitely not the toxic one. I think someone who isn't involved in your family can reassure you with this. Like your therapist, for instance. Since your dad is emotionally abusive and an unhealthy person for you to be around, no contact at all would be ideal. However, since you live with your family, limited contact should help a lot. You could even walk around your house with earphones even if you're not listening to music.

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