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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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iso Offline
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Unhappy [Cheating] My mother treats me like her partner - October 17th 2015, 05:16 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

My mother is a single mom, she cheated on my father six years ago and he left her. She is married to her job and is rarely home except for the weekends. I've tried to get her to date, and to make her realize that she isn't "too old" to be out partying etc, but she won't listen to me. And now, ever since she got dumped, she expects ME to full fill all her needs for a partner. Every day she is off work, she wants to do something, it could be a jazz concert, it could be going to the library or watching a movie or go shopping. She wants me to do all this with her and when I tell her no, she get's upset and she goes all "sad puppy face" on me.

I don't get to say no to her, I don't get to tell her that I have to study or that I want to be with friends since she treats me like I'm her substitute for a partner and frankly, I can't handle it anymore.

I don't know what to do, I just feel so suffocated by her and then I feel guilty for telling her no. Y'all got any tips of what I could do?
   
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Re: [Cheating] My mother treats me like her partner - October 18th 2015, 03:54 AM

It's nice of you to want your mom to be able to date, but I think that's something she has to be ready for. There could be other reasons as to why she hasn't looked into dating; she might not be ready for it yet. It does seem like she's projecting some of what she would want from a partner onto you, though.

It's natural for a parent to want to spend time with their child but like you said, you have studying to do and you'd like to be with your friends sometimes. I think you should politely talk to her about how you're feeling. I wouldn't just come out and accuse her of treating you like her partner because that could hurt her feelings. Instead, you might like to tell her that you enjoy spending time with her but you're at the age when you'd like some time to study and be with your friends.


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Re: [Cheating] My mother treats me like her partner - October 18th 2015, 04:35 PM

I don't know the reason why your mother cheated on your father 6 years ago but my interpretation from what you've written tells me that your mother has difficulty trusting others and feels alone. I understand you want your mum to try and meet new people but as above, she may not yet be ready to.

I know that many people often look down on cheating but those who do it, they do it for a reason. It could easily be argued that the two sides could discuss whatever was wrong in the relationship but it's often more complicated than that. Sometimes even when one person tries to talk about what's wrong, the other side may not actually listen. Some people cheat because they are in pain, the person they're in a relationship with isn't making them happy so they go out and try to find it other ways.

I understand that your mum is making you feel suffocated, but maybe this is something you need to sit down and seriously address with her and maybe she can address some of her concerns to you too. Even if you don't want to talk about it face to face with her, don't forget that you can send her a text message, email her or write how you feel down on a letter. You could even try to get her to do the same because sometimes writing things down rather than explaining verbally can be very therapeutic.

Remember that you do get to say no to her. Yes she may get upset and put her 'sad puppy face' on but there comes a point where she also has to be a parent and realise that she's upsetting you too. I don't know how old you are, but she must also bear in mind you're a young person and you need your personal space and your time without her. I understand that maybe she really is lonely and maybe she feels you're the only 'comfort zone' she really has, but if she wants to be less lonely there's a whole world out there to make things better, she just needs to step out of her comfort zone (you) and try finding new ways of having a life. Sure it's scary, it's terrifying and it's this huge unknown but that's also the beauty of life.

Tell your mum how she's making you feel, explain to her you understand she's obviously got something going on inside of her but you can't help her work through it if she keeps going through this loop of using you as her safety net. Remind her that life is short, that both she and you deserve to enjoy it to its fullest potential and that you'll be there for her, but she also needs to find her own way in the process.


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Re: [Cheating] My mother treats me like her partner - October 20th 2015, 12:27 PM

You're mom doesn't have to date per se. Frankly, she probably is to old to go out and party; at least in the way that anyone under the age of 30 thinks of partying. If she isn't ready to date, then that's totally ok. It could be emotional; maybe whatever happened with her and your dad that led to her cheating isn't just a short term thing for her. Maybe she just feels that with having a kid and a demanding career, that she has enough going on in her life and she's happy with it. It's hard to say as I do not know your mom, but her choice not to date is totally ok.

That said, I totally understand how her desire to constantly spend time with you can be overbearing, especially if it interferes with your ability to complete homework or ever see your own friends. Understandably, you can say no and just need to ignore the guilt trip. I just want to say that at least your mom wants to spend time with you; I know many people who's parents never showed the same interest. I'm not saying it's not overbearing, but at least when she's not working she's not too "busy" being tired to pay attention to you. Any how, what you might be able to do to mitigate this is maybe encourage her to spend time with her friends or something instead. Maybe you do something with her twice a week or whatever and other times you say "sorry mom, I need to finish this essay, maybe Joanne can go with you" or something. It might actually help if she branches out that way.

You could also talk to her about how you feel. It might be good, that way she understands where you're coming from and will hopefully try to work with you in finding the right balance of mother-daughter bonding time and alone time. Maybe you can strike up some sort of deal, maybe you guys always have breakfast or dinner together unless something else comes up; you both have to eat at some point during the day anyhow, and then maybe you do something fun of special once or twice a week. Talking to her will really help in the sense that if you say no, she won't try to guilt trip you because you've already made the effort of making her aware of how things will be going from there.




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Re: [Cheating] My mother treats me like her partner - October 20th 2015, 07:36 PM

Well done for saying. You are safe on here so just say your feelings to us and we will help you. If you feel dangerous contact the police in an emergincy only.

Well done pal.

Take care

David


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