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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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LightLili Offline
LightLili
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Name: Just call me Lili :)
Age: 18
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Join Date: October 18th 2015

Unhappy Relationship with My Younger Sister - October 18th 2015, 04:25 PM

My sister and I were pretty close when we were younger. I was bossy, yeah, but so was she, so it was fine.
But something happened very recently (can't pinpoint exactly when) that changed my sister. Or maybe me. She just started hating me. A lot.
It's not an overreaction. I'm sure that she really just despises me. Or at least who I've become. I do know what she hated about me, but don't understand why. These are some of the things I've noticed:
-We both started in new schools recently. She started middle school, and I started high school. My school (not to brag but it is important) is the top-rated public school in my city (which is a VERY large city) that I had to apply to get into. She seems pretty jealous. But it's not like she's had a chance to apply because she's so young, and I know for a fact that she'd actually have a better chance of getting in because she is that smart. Really, she's incredibly smart. So if she is jealous... I couldn't see why.
-I started this obsessive stage about two years ago. I just started loving the things that I previously liked, and hating a lot of things that I just saw with distaste before. This is one of the things that my sister openly hates about me. It is the cause of many dirty looks and incredibly nasty remarks from her. For example, I am obsessed with this one really good animated movie in particular, and I like to talk about it with my family every once in a while.
Every single time, my sister says something along the lines of, "You know you're 13 years old, right? You'd think you were 5 or something." Now, this is not a particularly nasty remark, but it gets me pretty mad. She knows that these movies are basically a lifestyle for me. I adore them. And she puts me down for it SO MUCH.
-I have no friends. None. Nada, people. Thing is, I don't mind. I have been able to get by for years as a loner, and it's not like I'm lonely. i actually kinda enjoy it...
Well, my sister still thinks that this is something to make fun of. My happiness, that is. Her anger, has brought her to tears on this subject, actually. And this is the one where I realize that she has some problems, but... well, examples first.
There is one conversation I remember well. I was talking about my no-friend-ness, and she butted in with something like, "Doesn't that even bother you?" And I said no, of course, because I honestly don't care. But then she said that it was so stupid that I was so happy being a loner, things like how dumb I was and that I didn't understand people at all. She said that she had a few friends and she was miserable with them, so how could I sit here with none and be so happy-go-lucky all the time? How DARE I? I realize that this hate comes from understandable jealousy. Problem is, I try to help her. I try to talk to her and ask her why she's miserable without a gigantic pool and friends and hopefully give her advice and try to explain how I get by, but she won't listen. I've tried everything here.

That's not all, but those are the big main things. So I'm helpless. I don't know what to do about her hatred towards me. It's almost like she wants to continue hating because she doesn't accept help. It's starting to make me hate her, and I really don't want that. That would suck so much. Does anyone have advice on how I could help this? Or maybe theories on why she hates these certain things so much? Thanks.
   
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Re: Relationship with My Younger Sister - October 18th 2015, 11:24 PM

Hi there and welcome to TeenHelp!

I am sorry you're having issues between you and your sister but I'm glad you reached out here.

She may lack confidence because she sees you achieving great things such as getting accepted into a great school and she may not realize she is smart and capable also. She might need to be reminded that she is smart and capable of great potential as well. A lot of people fail to see that they have the skills and intelligence to achieve things that they see others achieving. Perhaps you can reassure her of this by letting her know that she is really smart and you look up to her for that.

Everyone has their hobbies, interests and passions and I think it's wrong to put a person down by telling them they should not be interested in a particular thing due to their age. There are lots of things that are created for one age group but adored by a big variety of people of all ages. That is very common but sadly not everyone sees it that way and/or understands why you enjoy a particular thing. That might be the case for your sister. Remember that it is perfectly okay for you to adore your interests and talk about it with your family; that is great and I hope your sister's comments don't discourage you from being open about your interests.

Being dependent on a person for your happiness is unhealthy but unfortunately that happens to some people. It is great that you are happy on your own, although I hope you do end up making good friends along the way that you feel you can open up to and spend time with. Perhaps this is what your sister wants for you also and just displays that in an angry tone which does not help matters. She may have issues expressing herself and that causes her to come across as "hating" you.

Your sister is even younger than you and at the preteen and teenage years, a lot of factors can play into emotions and behavior. It sounds like she is growing up and she is not sure where to go, what to do or how to handle or express how she feels which is causing her to act out in rude ways to you and feel jealous due to lots of different things. She may seek support from her friends but also have a lot of issues (arguments, feeling left out, not being treated well by them - just a theory) with them that causes her to feel so unhappy in these friendships. Even if she has a lot of friends, she may not have a lot of true friends that have her best interests at heart and therefore don't treat her as a friend should. I am not saying this is the case but it can happen. You never know. She may not have explored her interests, found out her skills and developed enough confidence to be happy on her own. This is something that she has to figure out mostly by herself but she can have a lot of help by you simply believing in her and knowing she can do a lot of things. For example, you stated that you are confident that she could get into the same school as you; communicate that to her. Simple statements like that could show her that you believe in her abilities and therefore convince her to start believing into herself. She might look up to you a lot more than you think.

You are doing a lot of the right things by talking to her and even trying to offer her advice. When a person is struggling, they have to be willing to help themselves before accepting advice/support so just know that. However, showing that you care for her and simply being there will help her a lot. Perhaps you could make efforts to improve your relationship by spending time with her as you would a friend. Do a hobby together, go somewhere together etc. Find things that both of you are interested in and maybe you two can bond over that. Throughout this, you don't have to pressure her but it might help if you sat down with her and let her know your true feelings in calm, kind way that allows her to see from your point of view. Let her know you feel as she doesn't like you because of [insert action here] and that you really want to be closer with her because she's your sister and you care for her. Ask her how she feels, what is frustrating her and see if there is a way you two can get on better terms. Maybe if you two openly talked about your frustrations and suggested ideas on overcoming these issues, it would improve your relationship with her a lot. You can explain to her your interests and what things she says/does that hurts you, and she can do the same in return. Understanding each other's feelings and thought process could be helpful and calm communication can help a lot. Bringing this up with your parents (in private) could help as well because they may have advice/comfort to offer.

Her actions and her words understandably makes you feel as she hates you and she can tell you she hates you but regardless, I highly doubt that is the case. The truth is, she is your younger sister and she needs you, she loves you. She may not even be aware of that, but she does. Many siblings fail to see how much they actually mean to each other underneath the arguments, disagreements and typical sibling rivalry. I imagine she loves you and looks up to you in ways that you may not even realize especially at this point. That's why I hope you are able to get through to her and form a closer relationship. The fact that you posted this asking for advice and views on the situation tells me that you do want to repair things between you and your sister and become closer. You must really care for her and that's wonderful. She is lucky to have you as a sister.

Apologies for such a lengthy reply but I hope this made sense and helped some. I also hope you can repair your relationship with your sister.

Last edited by DeletedAccount11; October 18th 2015 at 11:47 PM. Reason: Whoops, forgot a sentence.
   
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