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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Guilty feelings. - November 8th 2015, 08:05 PM

So, I have this friend (we shall call her A) and I do not like her at all. I feel really guilty about saying that, but there are days where I just hate her even talking to me. She is VERY loud and 'outgoing' I suppose. She is also going to college for psychology. She considers herself a 'hipster' and she is marrying my brother.

So here's what I feel guilty about. She is pretty much my only friend. (I'm not counting friends from here on TH.) She loves to hangout, but a bit too much. With my social anxiety it's very easy for me to get overwhelmed, and I have told her that. She says she understands, but then will spend hours psycho-analyzing me in the specific situation.

She uses psychology in EVERYTHING she does. She tries to use it to tell me why I read the books I read, or why I play the games I play or why I eat the food I eat, and I just can't handle it. AT ALL.

She also talks in a very high pitched whiny voice that drives me insane, and she pretty much screams while talking. (Which honestly does hurt my head. Things have to be pretty quiet around me.) She also wears the shortest things I've ever seen, which pisses my brother off, and I can understand why.

She goes around dressing in SUPER short dresses and acting like nothing's wrong when she bends over you can see her panties, and guys are always looking at her (and not in a decent way if you catch my drift) and she doesn't see anything wrong with it.

She is also really big in to publicly shaming people, and complaining about things that she has no right to complain over.

I know this is more than likely just me being a baby, but I just cannot handle it. I can't handle her as a person, or as a friend. I really want her to just leave me alone, but I can't' hangout with my brother if I'm not her friend. She's with him ALL THE TIME. From the time she wakes up, she goes to his house and she picks him up and spends ALL day with him until he falls asleep, then she will go home and it starts all over the next day.

I'm never able to see my brother without her around. I just have no idea how to handle this sorta situation. I don't want to be her friend, but she is VERY over emotional and I have no idea how to tell her that. (By over emotional, I mean once, we were all playing a game of uno (Jordan, a few friends, my brother, A, and myself) and she lost by one turn, and she CRIED and screamed and yelled and threw the cards and actually LEFT the house because we didn't let her win.) so yes.

Help if you can, and if not, thanks for allowing me to vent. I needed it.


"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful." ~Sigmund Freud

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Re: Guilty feelings. - November 12th 2015, 04:41 AM

Hey,

I think it's understandable of you to feel what you're feeling about your friend. I'm glad you hang out with her despite your social anxiety. I think it's good to see you trying to combat that and hang out with someone even if things aren't exactly working out. It must be very irritating to be analyzed with your every move. Maybe you can consider telling her you understand she likes psychology but you would prefer for her not to continue analyzing you. Or, ask her to do that in her head instead of saying it out loud.

Publicly shaming people is not a good thing to do, especially because she's going into psychology. She should consider working on that. If you decide to talk to her about it, try to word it in a way that doesn't seem accusatory or a way that benefits her. For instance, you can use "I" statements and say "I (or someone else) feels like ______ when you say or do ______." She may respond better if you start with "I" instead of "You". I noticed people tend to listen more when something is worded so it sounds like it benefits them. If you think she's about to say something to someone, distract her, tell her it is better for her to think before she speaks, or tell her that insulting people is not worth her breath.

As for the way she dresses, I think it might helpful to stay away from being blunt because people tend to take that the wrong way. Instead of telling her the way she dresses makes you and your brother feel uncomfortable, tell her you saw a pretty new (longer) dress at the store today and ask if she wants to go out and try it on.

I think it would help for you to tell her that you want to spend time with your brother by yourself. Tell her you understand they are getting married, but your brother is still your brother and you'd like some quality time with him.

As for whether or not you tell her you don't want to be friends, I think there's a few ways to go with this. You can be upfront and tell her you would like to tone the friendship down a bit, or you can kind of slowly taper things off. I had an unhealthy friend and I tried telling them I couldn't be friends anymore but they became vindictive and abusive, and they threatened me. So, instead, I gradually stopped responding to calls, emails, and text messages and they eventually stopped sending me anything at all.

I know you said your friend is very emotional. If you do tell her these things, her response to them is in her control. It is completely up to her. Remember that you can't control anyone else.

Feel free to keep me posted!


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Re: Guilty feelings. - November 13th 2015, 01:18 AM

Thank you for the advice! I really needed it.


"One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful." ~Sigmund Freud

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