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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Family always are the ones to backstab you - November 9th 2015, 03:10 AM

Ok so for the last couple months my uncle and my brother have been fighting big time.

Our home life hasn't been the greatest and i know i'm old enough to move out, i've been working on that. my job so far hasn't been enough to give me enough money to move, but i do all i can to help out my parents. My brother isn't working yet, he has plans for things he'd love to do, and he's not lazy, he just hasn't been able to get the ball rolling yet.

My uncle has been very judgmental, and thinks he's "Being helpful" by constantly criticizing him. All he does it talk about him behind his back, but every time he gets the chance to see him, he doesn't say it to his face.

A couple months ago I got into an argument with him when i told him he doesn't understand how it is. My family has always been poor, when i was younger we never had things like new clothes, and people always made fun of us for things like that.

My uncle has his own demons for sure, instead of understanding when my brother tried explaining to him, he would just go on about how HIS life was so terrible growing up and we have it so easy compared to him. Which is funny because he has no idea what has happened in our house. He doesn't know about our mom's mental illness (which she won't admit to). He blames a lot of things on our dad too like he's the only one causing all the problems. My mom and dad have a very fake marriage as they don't even sleep in the same bed, they haven't for at least 5 years.

I feel as if my uncle is an alcoholic, we went to his house a few months ago and his whole refrigerator was full of beer. Like on every shelf full. Beer everywhere, with more on the floor beside it. He gave my dad some money a while back ago, and now he wants the money back. Which I understand if you borrow money you need to pay it back but he says it's because he "needs the money to pay bills" and i suspect it's because he needs it to buy beer.

Anyway, tonight he called my mom complaining some more about my dad and my brother blaming them for pretty much everything. My brother got fed up and went down to his house and left a note (he wasn't home, he's out of state right now) basically calling him out on everything.

It probably wasn't the most polite way to put it, he basically called him a drunk. It wasn't very mature, but none of this argument has been. I wish they'd both sit down and talk like men.
   
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Re: Family always are the ones to backstab you - November 9th 2015, 07:22 AM

Hey.

I'm sorry your uncle and your brother are currently experiencing conflict.

Your uncle may see his words as "being helpful" but it isn't helpful if it is only causing conflict between him and his brother. How about bringing that point up to him? Point out that it has been awhile and his ways aren't making any improvements, so maybe it's time to try another way? You might could get through to your uncle by explaining in what ways your brother is working towards being successful; that he isn't being lazy. Hearing it from you may be different since he is currently in conflict with your brother.

As for you suspecting that he is an alcoholic, could you speak to your uncle and be truthful by noting that you have saw how much beer he has had in his house? From there you could ask if he is coping with life okay and if he is having any issues regarding drinking too much. He might be struggling with things in his life which may contribute to his rudeness towards your brother as well. However, that doesn't justify rudeness. If your uncle does turn out to have a drinking problem, do you think he'd agree to seeking professional help?

The note your brother left that is rather rude seems to be a result of pent-up anger due to your uncle's words. It's understandable at this point but it most likely will cause another argument since it isn't effective communication aimed towards improvement. Would your brother listen if you suggested and he and his uncle sat down to have a calm conversation about the situation? That could help and target lots of issues if both parties are willing to listen and be willing to make compromises.

Family, friends and couples will all have arguments and phases of fighting often but what's important is eventually communicating to figure out ways to resolve the issues at hand. Along with both parties expressing their feelings in a calm, respectful way rather than in an aggressive manner.

You have no obligation to put yourself in the middle of the arguments between your uncle and brother. So whether or not you do is entirely your decision but it might help to bring up a few points to each of them to hopefully make both of them think twice about their words and actions. I realize I made suggestions but at the end of the day, you aren't responsible for the issues between your uncle and your brother. You can offer your support, advice and insight to them if you'd like but make sure you take care of yourself throughout this, okay? Seeing family fight can be stressful and sometimes putting yourself in the middle of it can be even more stressful. Depending how much they are willing to listen and take your words to heart.

I hope this helped some and that things improve between your brother and uncle. I wish you the best of luck. Take care!
   
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Re: Family always are the ones to backstab you - November 10th 2015, 09:07 PM

I have suggested that to my brother about them having a calm conversation but he doesn't think our uncle will want to do that. I don't know if there's any way to get through to some people, some people can be very stubborn after all.
But i do think it's worth a shot. i don't really want to be in the middle of this, ever since my brother left that note i've been worried about what's going to happen next.
   
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Re: Family always are the ones to backstab you - November 11th 2015, 01:36 AM

I'm sorry to hear that you do not think your uncle will want to do that. Being in or being aware of a situation that you don't feel has a solution to the conflict must be upsetting. I do agree that it's worth a shot but even if it doesn't work, it's important for your brother to know that it's up to your uncle to be willing to concur for a hope of sorting out the issues. Working out issues requires both sides to be willing to compromise, listen and make changes to the cause of conflict.

I respect the fact of you not wanting to get in the middle of this. You certainly don't have to if you don't wish to and it's very understandable that you're reluctant to get in the middle of it. However, I hope it works out in a better way than you are anticipating. Your uncle may take the words, however harsh, as a wake-up call in a way.

Maybe try to stay occupied in what makes you happy? Take some of the stress and worry over the situation off your plate and treat yourself to something nice to take your mind off things for awhile. Let me know how things go? In the event things get more stressful, you have support here and people to talk to whenever you need.
   
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