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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
BreathingIn Offline
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Mom is losing her mind. - November 21st 2015, 02:23 AM

My mom fell for a scam and got a virus on her laptop and it wiped the whole operating system off it. She will not stop crying and says things like "It's my whole life! My life sucks so f---ing much and it's all I have!". It shocked me that she is crying heavily over a laptop. I am seriously scared for her.

She has been talking to a foreign man from Pakistan for several months and she is converting to Islam to marry him. She is trying to get him to the US so that they can marry and live together. She has divorced my father after 25 years of marriage. He has been nothing but good to her. After he pays the bills, he gives her all his money to feed her spending habit. He never does anything for himself. Literally, he will not buy himself a magazine because he gives the rest of his money to her (She doesn't work). He has supported me and her for over 20 years on a salary of $30,000. He has no retirement savings and no assets (doesn't own a car, a home, credit cards, etc). We have always lived paycheck to paycheck.

Now that her laptop needs fixed, it will be almost $300. I'm the only person who can pay for it because my dad doesn't have enough money after the bills.

I work two part time jobs and have been saving for a trip I want to take next summer. I've wanted to take the trip for years and just got to saving in the past couple months. I have $650 and want to save $2,500. So I am going to have to take $300 out of my savings to pay for her laptop. I feel like I will never go on my trip She wants her laptop fixed tomorrow. I told her I could do it on my pay day, but she cannot wait.

I don't know what to do about her. I think she's having a severe mid life crisis and needs help. She is a former drug addict and has been on a program for over 20 years. She can get addicted to anything very quickly. She was addicted to drugs, then spending money (still is), and now her laptop. She's addicted because if you say "no" to her, she will throw a fit like a two year old. An all out rage.

It's not my responsibility to pay for her laptop. She was naive enough to fall for a scam when I have told her many times to ignore pop ups. But if I don't give her money to get it fixed, she will scream and cry and throw a tantrum until I do. I gave her my Kindle to use the internet and I put her on the Facebook app to chat with that guy and it's not good enough. She wants her laptop because she can't use the Kindle. Even though I teach her, it's still too complicated for her.

It's very hard living with her. I am in my early twenties and I can't move out because I don't have the money to. I am a college grad who can't land a full time job. I hate the position I am in life, but I look at the bright side because I know it could be worse.

I was a complete IDIOT for telling her I had a savings account. She is constantly asking me for money. My life will be pointless if I can't go on my trip. I have wanted to do this for a few years and never had the money to save. Now I have it to save, but it keeps getting taken away from me...

Help! This sucks.
   
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Re: Mom is losing her mind. - November 21st 2015, 04:16 AM

Why doesn't your mom work? Is she to unstable or something? Maybe you could broach the subject of her going to work. You don't even have to do it directly. Merely offering to volunteer with her in the name of quality mother daughter time might help a lot. Obviously you're not going to stay at home forever, and like you said it's not really your responsibility to support her if she could theoretically do so herself. Of course, I'm not sure I know the extent of her problems. Is she eligible for social assistance?

Any ways, I wouldn't feet to much about the trip; you could always put it off by a few months if you need to, it won't go anywhere (right?). Maybe you could establish some better boundaries with you and your mom. Do you feel unsafe when you refuse to hand over money or is it merely uncomfortable and upsetting? While I know how awful parents behaving badly can be, if she won't escalate it past an upsetting fight, maybe you could barrel through, which will allow you to keep your money if she wants it for something unnecessary. You could always walk away when she starts to overreact and go for a walk around the block. If your concerned about her own well being when you refuse to cave, can you maybe refer her to her sponsor or some equivalent (you mentioned the addictions program) to talk her through it?

I'm not sure what else to suggest. It sounds like a complicated situation for you.




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
   
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Re: Mom is losing her mind. - November 21st 2015, 12:45 PM

Hello,
I agree with the person above. If your mum can get a job make her get one (depending on her health/situation)
If she starts to behave like a child then refuse her. Don't cave just to get her off your back as that will only drive her to do it more as she thinks she can get away with it. What's your fathers stance in all of this? How is he taking it and can he do anything to help? Maybe you could discuss how you're feeling with him.
If it comes to it that you really cannot stand living with her, your father and you could find some place to live or you could go live with a friend. Of course this doesn't mean you ditch your mum but it gives everyone distance between each other. It will be easier to refuse her when she asks for money for unnecessary things. As for the laptop tell her you'll only pay for a certain amount and she needs to earn the rest herself.
You need to get her to start behaving like an adult again with rules or boundaries otherwise she'll keep thinking she can get away with it if you cave. Then it will be an endless cycle. I really hope you can go on your trip and I hope I've helped in some way.
Good luck
   
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Re: Mom is losing her mind. - November 21st 2015, 08:34 PM

Lending money to your mom and helping her out is a nice thing to do, but you aren't obligated to all of the time for everything. You've been talking about the trip you have wanted to go on and you should be saving money as well, for anything such as moving out for one thing. It is your money, that you earned and it is your savings account. I understand it'd be hard but it might be a good idea to begin telling your mom "no". Otherwise she will continue to go to you for money whenever she wants (not needs) it. I suggest looking at the situation and establishing boundaries. If your mom truly needs the money, such as needing extra to pay rent or for important bills, then surely help her out. But if it's something unnecessary then make it clear to her that you are trying very hard to build up a savings. Saying that would be kinder than outright saying no.

Just like the users above, I share the same question - why does your mother not work? Is it due to a disability or something other? If so, understandable and if there's health reasons there is normally financial help she can receive. If not, this may be a good situation to encourage her to get a job and hopefully have a positive impact on her spending addiction. This way she will have to work for it and have her own money to budget. I hope that doesn't sound cruel - I actually thought it'd be a good thing for your mom in the end. She may not at first but I imagine the independence and not having to ask others for things would be something she'd appreciate.

You're a kind daughter for lending her your Kindle so she can still talk to him despite not having her laptop. Perhaps you could suggest she spend a little more time with the Kindle to get used to it? Coming from a laptop it must be completely different, but when you think about it, she had to get used to the laptop for the first time as well.

Saying no to your mom can't be easy but saving money is important. Not just for things you enjoy such as going on a trip, but having money put back in case you need it for an unexpected bill for example, is responsible and a good idea if possible. On top of saving for moving out in the future. Remember that it's your money that you earned so it's okay if you don't want to be constantly giving it away.

Hope this helped some. Take care and hang in there.
   
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Re: Mom is losing her mind. - November 30th 2015, 11:56 PM

Thank you everyone for your responses. My mom doesn't work because she's on disability for depression. According to my dad, she would always call off work, but when she went in she would lash out at her boss and coworkers. She would get mad at them when they'd give her work to do for the day. She has serious depression and anger issues.

Whenever I say no to her, she screams at me until I give it to her. There is no rational way to deal with her :\ She will scream and yell and slam things around until she gets her way.

I just wish I made more money like a career. I want to go on my trip, but I'd much rather move out. I could move out right now if I wanted but sadly I don't have the monthly income to afford an apartment in my area. Most apartments are over $800 and I make a little less than that. I can't move away until I had a job elsewhere, but I've been looking in to that.

Sigh.... thanks for all your responses, I really appreciate it <3
   
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