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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
toriel Offline
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Unhappy I think my friends hate me - February 8th 2016, 07:35 PM

I get really paranoid that my friends actually hate me and don't want me around but just aren't saying anything. One of my friends never replies to my snap chats and whenever I text on a group chat no one replies and it makes me feel so awful and I just want to delete all the texts I've sent. I know it's a stupid thing to be worried about but it still gets to me and it makes me think that none of my friends actually like me.
I like to think that I'm a good friend but I'm not too sure. I feel like sometimes I take a little teasing joke too far (but this is quite rare) and I always feel like I'm annoying whoever I'm talking to. I tend to regret what I say after I say it.
Whenever people do indirects on social media I get so paranoid that the bad ones are about me even when I've hardly spoken to that person. I feel like my friends are embarassed to be seen with me.

I know all this sounds pretty stupid but it feels so true to me.

Part of the reason I think like this, I think it comes from when I was younger and whenever I went to one of my friends house and we were just playing or doing something she'd say "You're being so annoying!" when from my view we'd just been playing something and having fun. I could work out what I was doing to annoy them And their brothers used to groan whenever they saw I was at the door and when my mum drove me and her and her brothers home from school, her brothers would be really rude to me and say how annoying I was (in my own car with my mum!!) even when I hadn't spoken a word. This really hurt my self esteem.

Another thing that makes me think all my friends hate me is that my best friend (for 14 years) sometimes says things to other people when shes with my like 'becca(me)'s so annoying' 'becca's so boring' 'this is why i hate working with becca' and stuff like that. It really upsets me and I dont understand what I've done to make her hate me so much. Other times shes really fun and takes loads of photos with me and we laugh loads so I don't know. A few years ago she used to slap me whenever I came into school in the morning. Im not sure why I let her do it I was just too scared to stand up to her. She used to slap me and my other friends loads (for no apparent reason) and sometimes even bite our shoulders. She's pretty controlling (but I'll save all this for another post )

Anyway, lots of stuff has happenned in my past that has made me feel like Im a very annoying and bad person/friend. I try to be kind to everyone but I just feel like I'm annoying them or somehow being rude. I have 2 friends who I am quite close to and who i know like me as they always come over to talk to me and tell me what happenned in their day and I love them a lot. I wish I could spend more time with them but I have been friends with my best friend for such a long time and I don't want to leave my group of friends (even though I think they hate me).

Please can someone give me some advice on what to do! Why do I always feel like they hate me and that i'm annoying them and how can I be a better friend? Thank you so much xx
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I think my friends hate me - February 8th 2016, 11:04 PM

I don't think it sounds like your friends hates you, because they aren't avoiding you or anything (from what you've told me here). I feel like if they did hate you then they'd just try to stop hanging out with you. That said, it does sound like they might find you annoying or possibly hard to work with. It sounds like your confused about what you've done, but have you tried reflecting on what might bother them? For example, when your friends have to work on projects with you, do you take over the project? Do they do more work than you? Do you complain about the work? Little things like that might bother them.

Another thing is that friends tend to vent to other friends. But first let me preface this by saying that I don't want to excuse their bad behaviour because it sounds like this has been going on for a while, which isn't ok; if they have a genuine problem with you they should talk to you about in theory, but that's easier said than done. So let me get into the minutia now; sometimes things your say and do can bother someone (I know I have said/done things that bother my friends and they have done the same to me). There are certain things that sometimes we do not want to bring up because, even if it bothers us, we feel it'll do more harm than good with concerns to the person doing something that bothers me/the friend/ etc. I'm not at all saying that this is ok, especially if your friends aren't exactly being constructive. Like I know that I've found friends of mine positively aggravating and mind numbingly infuriatingly naive/annoying/stupid/etc. and I've vented to friends. Over the years, I have learned to pick and choose my battles and to also be extremely selective about who I say what to, because the last thing I need is to let off some steam to A only to find out that she went and told B. It's not that B didn't deserve to know how I felt, but she should certainly hear it from me at whatever time I felt was right to tell her and not my big mouthed friend. But in your case it sounds like your friends are being unnecessarily unkind and just bitching about you (instead of talking to select close friends to let off steam or get advice, which is what anyone with a semblance of maturity would do).

It's also unkind for your friends brothers to be rude to you. They don't have to like you, hell, my brother had friends growing up that I despised with every fibre of my being but I still treated them with respect because that's what decent people do. Unfortunately, you can't really control their feelings toward you or their bad behaviour (for now), especially if your friend might not even back you up (because of her perceived problems with you). It'll probably be for the best for you to first talk to your friend and deal with her issues with you first. Maybe you'll talk to her and find out that this is all a big misunderstanding, maybe she was mad about something once and everything some how got blown out of proportion (who knows, right?). After a while, maybe you can deal with the brothers.

For what ever reason, she hasn't confronted you about her problems, which is doing both of you a disservice if your friendship continues, but whatever, even in my 20's I'd still sometimes rather suffer in silence than face uncomfortable or awkward truths. In this case, I'd suggest just confronting your friend and doing the initiating of the problem yourself. Something like "Hey A, it seems like you've been having X and Y problems with me lately. I am really confused about why you'd feel this way about me because I do not know what I have done to offend you in this manner. I would like to know what is bothering you so much because you are an inportant friend in my life and, if at all possible, I would like a chance to work on whatever is bothering you." (continue conversation...)

All that said, maybe your friend is just a really shitty friend. Like I said, I can understand someone not wanting to make a big deal out of a small issue and therefore venting to a friend or maybe knowing that a big issue isn't something they can change but still needing someone to understand, or they just need advice, etc. but they shouldn't be bitching about you and being unkind, especially not behind your back when you can't even defend yourself. If you talk to her, she should be willing to kindly and constructively talk/work through whatever the problem is (give her time though, she might need a few days to think). If not, well, there are lots of potential little fishie friends in the seas




Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I think my friends hate me - February 9th 2016, 12:18 AM

Hey there!
Friendships, especially at this age, can be confusing and complicated because of people's mood swings and changing personalities so you won't be alone! Lots of people struggle with friendship problems.

Firstly I want to suggest that you are not the bad friend. You seem to really care about your friends and how you are seen by them. A bad friend wouldn't do this

This jabbing that your friend does seems to bother you (it would bother me too). I would perhaps confront her/someone in your group about this. Remember a relationship, even a friendship, is a two way thing. You're happiness is just as important.
Hopefully this can open up a conversation, maybe someone else in your group feels the same?

Also I want to say that sometimes rejection feels very directed towards ourselves. For example, when your friend doesn't reply to your sc: that might not be a personal thing or she might just be busy or when you say something in a group chat and no one replies. Maybe you're only just remembering the times it happens to you? I'm not saying this is exactly true for your situation but I know I sometimes feel like you too!

Finally I just want to say: you will be the most happy when you're in a friendship where you can be yourself. This isn't always an option but if, at the end of the day, all your friend does is moan about you and complain then ,trust me, you deserve much more.
Friends that change mood every hour are exhausting, I've had my fair share too! If it comes down to this then I would suggest still staying friends with her but consider investing time into people who value and cherish your time like they should.

Hope everything goes well xx


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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
toriel Offline
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Question Re: I think my friends hate me - February 9th 2016, 05:48 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by alongfortheride View Post
Hey there!
Friendships, especially at this age, can be confusing and complicated because of people's mood swings and changing personalities so you won't be alone! Lots of people struggle with friendship problems.

Firstly I want to suggest that you are not the bad friend. You seem to really care about your friends and how you are seen by them. A bad friend wouldn't do this

This jabbing that your friend does seems to bother you (it would bother me too). I would perhaps confront her/someone in your group about this. Remember a relationship, even a friendship, is a two way thing. You're happiness is just as important.
Hopefully this can open up a conversation, maybe someone else in your group feels the same?

Also I want to say that sometimes rejection feels very directed towards ourselves. For example, when your friend doesn't reply to your sc: that might not be a personal thing or she might just be busy or when you say something in a group chat and no one replies. Maybe you're only just remembering the times it happens to you? I'm not saying this is exactly true for your situation but I know I sometimes feel like you too!

Finally I just want to say: you will be the most happy when you're in a friendship where you can be yourself. This isn't always an option but if, at the end of the day, all your friend does is moan about you and complain then ,trust me, you deserve much more.
Friends that change mood every hour are exhausting, I've had my fair share too! If it comes down to this then I would suggest still staying friends with her but consider investing time into people who value and cherish your time like they should.

Hope everything goes well xx
Thank you so much for your advice It really means a lot.

I have talked to one of my close friends about my 'best friend' who is always insulting me and putting me down and stuff and this friend agrees that my 'best friend' is being unnecessarily rude to me. I have reflected and asked my close friend if she can see what I am doing to upset my 'best friend' but I/we can't find anything in particular and I've realized she acts like this to most people when she's in a bad mood. I have tried to stand up for myself a bit more when she randomly says that she hates me and I think she's starting to realize that when she says stuff like that it does actually affect me.

I try so hard to be kind and caring to my friends but when I just act myself and I think a bit less about what I am doing, two of my friends (that I mentioned in the OP) will say (to me) that I am being annoying etc. but if I don't do that then they complain about me being boring. It just feels like I can't please them I have another group of friends who I enjoy spending time with more and they actually initiate the conversations with me and text me first etc. and make me feel really happy and much more confident about myself and they're all so lovely, but i still cant help from feeling like i am annoying them And I worry so much that they're talking about me behind my back and that they wish I wasn't hanging out with them. Is there any way for me to stop feeling like this? Do you have any advice? thank you so so much
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
toriel Offline
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Red face Re: I think my friends hate me - February 9th 2016, 05:53 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Always * View Post
I don't think it sounds like your friends hates you, because they aren't avoiding you or anything (from what you've told me here). I feel like if they did hate you then they'd just try to stop hanging out with you. That said, it does sound like they might find you annoying or possibly hard to work with. It sounds like your confused about what you've done, but have you tried reflecting on what might bother them? For example, when your friends have to work on projects with you, do you take over the project? Do they do more work than you? Do you complain about the work? Little things like that might bother them.

Another thing is that friends tend to vent to other friends. But first let me preface this by saying that I don't want to excuse their bad behaviour because it sounds like this has been going on for a while, which isn't ok; if they have a genuine problem with you they should talk to you about in theory, but that's easier said than done. So let me get into the minutia now; sometimes things your say and do can bother someone (I know I have said/done things that bother my friends and they have done the same to me). There are certain things that sometimes we do not want to bring up because, even if it bothers us, we feel it'll do more harm than good with concerns to the person doing something that bothers me/the friend/ etc. I'm not at all saying that this is ok, especially if your friends aren't exactly being constructive. Like I know that I've found friends of mine positively aggravating and mind numbingly infuriatingly naive/annoying/stupid/etc. and I've vented to friends. Over the years, I have learned to pick and choose my battles and to also be extremely selective about who I say what to, because the last thing I need is to let off some steam to A only to find out that she went and told B. It's not that B didn't deserve to know how I felt, but she should certainly hear it from me at whatever time I felt was right to tell her and not my big mouthed friend. But in your case it sounds like your friends are being unnecessarily unkind and just bitching about you (instead of talking to select close friends to let off steam or get advice, which is what anyone with a semblance of maturity would do).

It's also unkind for your friends brothers to be rude to you. They don't have to like you, hell, my brother had friends growing up that I despised with every fibre of my being but I still treated them with respect because that's what decent people do. Unfortunately, you can't really control their feelings toward you or their bad behaviour (for now), especially if your friend might not even back you up (because of her perceived problems with you). It'll probably be for the best for you to first talk to your friend and deal with her issues with you first. Maybe you'll talk to her and find out that this is all a big misunderstanding, maybe she was mad about something once and everything some how got blown out of proportion (who knows, right?). After a while, maybe you can deal with the brothers.

For what ever reason, she hasn't confronted you about her problems, which is doing both of you a disservice if your friendship continues, but whatever, even in my 20's I'd still sometimes rather suffer in silence than face uncomfortable or awkward truths. In this case, I'd suggest just confronting your friend and doing the initiating of the problem yourself. Something like "Hey A, it seems like you've been having X and Y problems with me lately. I am really confused about why you'd feel this way about me because I do not know what I have done to offend you in this manner. I would like to know what is bothering you so much because you are an inportant friend in my life and, if at all possible, I would like a chance to work on whatever is bothering you." (continue conversation...)

All that said, maybe your friend is just a really shitty friend. Like I said, I can understand someone not wanting to make a big deal out of a small issue and therefore venting to a friend or maybe knowing that a big issue isn't something they can change but still needing someone to understand, or they just need advice, etc. but they shouldn't be bitching about you and being unkind, especially not behind your back when you can't even defend yourself. If you talk to her, she should be willing to kindly and constructively talk/work through whatever the problem is (give her time though, she might need a few days to think). If not, well, there are lots of potential little fishie friends in the seas
thank you very much for your advice! it really helps
i have reflected a lot on what i could be doing to annoy/upset her but i'm not really sure. i also asked another of my friends who is with us a lot and she couldn't think of anything either (though if she did she would probably lie rather than confront me about it )
sometimes my friend is really fun and we'll have a few good weeks and stuff but then suddenly (and my other friends notice it too, she starts being really rude and snapping at everyone) she'll start randomly saying 'i hate you' and (while sitting next to me) say to another friend 'she's so annoying'. I can't tell if she means it jokingly.. but it doesn't feel like it and it really upsets me. When she's in this kind of mood, whenever someone starts telling us about their weekend, new phone etc. she just snaps 'I DONT CARE' and then we all stand there silently and awkwardely. None of us have confronted her about it though and i just feel to scared and shy to talk to her properly about it but i feel like she doesn't realize what she's saying and how she treats us is actually affecting us
I try really hard not to annoy her but when she's in that mood she just puts me and it makes me so upset because it feels like i can't do anything right

tysm for taking your time to read this and for any advice
   
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