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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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oceaneyes95 Offline
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Name: Lillian (Lilli)
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Is anyone responsable enough for a baby?? - February 9th 2016, 04:32 AM

I was just wanting vent a little about something. Well, it seems like nobody wants anything to do with me because I have a baby. I mean, I understand that when you become a mom you have to give a lot of your freedom & social life up for the sake of your baby. But, my husband doesn't have to. He gets to go out to bingo, and play cards, and go on fishing trips. I never get included because I have to stay home with the baby. I complain about this all the time. I have NEVER gotten to get a babysitter just so I could go do something fun. Let alone, something important that requires a babysitter. I take my baby EVERYWHERE with me. Weather it be to the bank, to my WIC appointments, to my OBGYN appointments, or anything else that requires getting a babysitter. But, never have I ever gotten to just go do something fun just for myself. Also, my husbands sons (technically my step sons) girlfriend was supposed to be a close friend to me when the two of them moved back to town because she is so close to my age, and I really don't know anyone here because i'm not from here. BUT,NO!! All they want to do is smoke weed, drink, party, and stay up all night. They only come over to our house when they need something. Why? Because they know that we have a baby here, and babies are a lot of responsibility. Since they don't have a baby why would they want to give up their freedom to be around my baby & I. I mean, they love him, and they're good to him when they do see him. But, I wish nobody would've told me I was going to have a close friend when they moved back because now i'm sitting here disappointed. There are plenty of things we could all go do with the baby included & I. There are tons of family friendly things to do. But, since we have already laid down the law about the partying around the baby they don't come around anymore. Because they know we don't drink, or smoke weed. We don't stay up all night because we try to keep the baby on a regular schedule. We have a pretty calm (boring) life. I guess they just thought we were the kind of parents who just pawn our baby off on somebody else to continue to live irresponsibly. As if we just ignore our adult responsibilities to party, and drink, and get high, and stay out all night. But, I AM NOT like that! I never really considered myself "irresponsible". But, I do admit I lived my life so much differently prior to having a baby. Like when I was working in strip clubs. If I wanted to drink I did. If I wanted to smoke some weed with some girls at work I did. If I wanted to stay out all night, or go grocery shopping, or even out to eat some fast food at 3:00 AM I did. I lived my life for me, and on my schedule, and by my rules. Even if you're in a serious relationship, engaged, or even married if you don't have a child involved you're life is still so much different than if you were to have a child involved. Since a lot of people know this they just don't come around me. They know what a responsibility it is so they exclude their self from my life entirely. But, considering everything I've struggled through within the past almost year I need better friends than that.
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Re: Is anyone responsable enough for a baby?? - February 9th 2016, 03:21 PM

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I imagine it's even harder for you if you went from one extreme (staying out late, eating fast food, working in strip clubs) to the other extreme (being a mom who stays home late). It sounds hard to be so isolated too. I don't know from personal experience, but I do know about it from my friends who have babies and that it's hard when you can't just go out for shits and giggles any more because even just going to a movie takes way more planning so you can leave the baby with a sitter or whatever. I know it's hard for my friends who are young moms because they can no longer do the things that other young people get to do (e.g. partying, smoking weed, even just moving whenever to wherever for a job or deciding to go out for dinner at the drop of a hat). I think that's why they liked being with me because I like babies and am happy to have their kids around and I am always happy to carry their baby, push the stroller, change their diapers and strap their seats into the car and that sort of thing.

Have you talked to your husband about sharing more of the child care responsibilities? Whether you have or not, you can try (again) and go in armed with exactly what you want him to do. Maybe start with just once a week where he is responsible for the baby for the evening. Like maybe on Thursday's when he comes home from work, he takes care of the baby so that you can get out of the house for a few hours on your own, even if this means you only go buy groceries or something.

Is he the biological father to the baby? I'm just wondering if maybe that would affect now he treats the baby or the responsibility he feels. Of course, if he's married to you/ living with you, he should also know and respect that, by extension, the baby comes with it and he can't seriously expect to have a long-term serious relationship with you if he doesn't ever plan to take responsibility for the child care. How you talk about this or approach this with him is up to you, of course. Let me just say that my friend had children by another man before she met her current husband (she has a baby by her husband too). Her husband legally adopted her other children and treats them as his own; depending on where the biological father is in your life, this might be an option too. I'm not saying that this is your situation, I'm just putting it out there just in case.

Ok so in terms of the isolation you have spoken about, I have a few ways you can start meeting people. I would first start by suggesting you find groups of other parents, you can start by looking for parenting groups in your area - try meetup.com , kijiji , local day cares, newpaper websites, community centre's and that sort of places as they often host or advertise groups you can join (for free or very little cost, you might just need to look around). You can even try Googling things like "young parent groups [city you live in]" and "child play date groups". Finding other groups of parents to hang out with can be a huge help to you and your baby because you'll have other people who understand your situation, will be more likely to welcome your baby when your with them, and it can help with future friends/play dates for your baby.

Meetup and Eventbrite are great sites for general things to sign up for, as are community news papers and community centres. I think I remember you talking about church before in other posts - maybe you can find a church with a good child care / sunday school program that you can go to.

Hopefully this helps

Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat or have questions
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