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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Fading Light. Offline
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Ending a friendship? - February 17th 2016, 01:27 AM

A little while ago, I was let down by a very close friend. This friend has always made a big deal about being willing to do anything for his friends, and always being there for them, and etc etc, which makes his actions all the more bewildering. I won't get into specifics about what he did, but I've spoken to a few people about this (both people who know him and those who don't) and the consensus seems to be that I was in the right and what he did was definitely wrong. Now here's the thing: he refuses to acknowledge that what he did was unfair. I told him that I was hurt and confused by his actions, and he responded by making some excuse about why he did what he did - no apologies, no acknowledgement of my feelings, nothing.

With that in mind, I'm reasonably certain the friendship is over. There's no way I can be friends with him unless he owns up to what he did and apologises to me, but I can't see that happening on account of the fact he can be very stubborn when he thinks he's right (which he really, really isn't). Naturally, I'm really upset and irritated by this entire situation. This is someone I've known for almost half my life, and up until a few days ago I would have said I trusted him more than just about anyone. But with everything that's happened that's obviously not the case anymore.

Which leaves me with the issue: how do I deal with this? Reconciliation isn't an option right now, so all I can do is work on my own emotions I suppose. But that's difficult, because this is such a complicated issue. For one thing, I'm usually very hesitant to trust people, and if I can be so wrong about someone I've known for so long it makes me very reluctant to trust anyone else, including my other friends. For another thing, this friend's actions have left me in quite a bad position, which makes me slightly bitter and very frustrated. I'm questioning my judgement, my friendships, my plans for the next couple of years... I'm all over the place right now.

Any advice on how to deal with this (or forget about it) would be very welcome. Thanks, everyone.


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Re: Ending a friendship? - February 17th 2016, 04:53 AM

Hey Chess,

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I've had friends who turned on me in the past without any reasoning, and it was quite difficult to get over.

For your situation, since you're pretty sure you don't want to be friends with him anymore, I think you could start by slowly cutting him out of your life. Block off all the ways in which he would be able to contact you and slowly start to accept that someone you used to trust a lot betrayed the trust that you gave him.

I don't think that you should start doubting yourself for something that he did. After all, people change. A lot. The reasons for which you began to trust this friend could have been right, but it's highly possible that the person he is now and the person you first became friends with are two very different people.

I'd suggest cutting off communication and spending time with the other people in your life, like your friends and family. Don't be worried about them turning out like he did, but take this as an opportunity to cherish the people who are here for you now, the ones who didn't betray your trust like he did.

I hope this helped and feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk!
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Re: Ending a friendship? - February 17th 2016, 05:17 AM

I agree with the above post about slowly cutting communication off. Slowly change your responses to him through whatever way you talk (text, email, whichever) and make them so that you just get to the point with your messages. Keep them to the bare minimum. Don't go out of your way to be nice if he can't even bother to validate your feelings. Then, cut one form of contact, and another, until you no longer have contact with him. This can be rough but it is worth it. I did this with someone a while ago and it honestly feels so freeing and I think you'll end up feeling a lot healthier without him.

People do change a lot and it's a shame he ended up hurting you in the way he did. The fact that he won't acknowledge your feelings, apologize, or even consider what he did as wrong shows that you'll be better off without him. I think you can benefit from making a few statements to repeat to yourself. For example, someone in my life is unhealthy and when I feel conflicted, I frequently tell myself that it is okay to like them despite not trusting them. You might tell yourself that this is something he did. You're not in the wrong at all. Find a statement that works for you and keep reminding yourself of it when you're struggling. It's hard to keep up with but it definitely does make a big difference. It's also worth reminding yourself that even though you had a bad experience with this friend, not all of your friends are like this.

Try to keep distracted. Keep taking care of yourself and try to put yourself first, especially right now while you're struggling with all this.


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Re: Ending a friendship? - February 18th 2016, 01:18 AM

Thank you both for your replies, I really appreciated them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by luckiicloverxx View Post
I don't think that you should start doubting yourself for something that he did. After all, people change. A lot. The reasons for which you began to trust this friend could have been right, but it's highly possible that the person he is now and the person you first became friends with are two very different people.
That's actually a very good point, and I hadn't thought of it like that before. I guess it's possible that he's changed in some ways that haven't been for the better, or at least that are incompatible with our friendship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassado View Post
I think you can benefit from making a few statements to repeat to yourself. For example, someone in my life is unhealthy and when I feel conflicted, I frequently tell myself that it is okay to like them despite not trusting them. You might tell yourself that this is something he did. You're not in the wrong at all. Find a statement that works for you and keep reminding yourself of it when you're struggling. It's hard to keep up with but it definitely does make a big difference. It's also worth reminding yourself that even though you had a bad experience with this friend, not all of your friends are like this.
I really like the idea of mantras or affirmation statements, so I will definitely take this on board.

To clarify, though: I don't think I can gradually cut off contact with him, as he hasn't responded to my last message (where I made it clear that the ball was in his court because I'd said what I needed to say). I don't really expect to hear from him again. Which I guess is part of the problem, because this way it feels kind of like he's in control, and like there's a distinct lack of closure. It's really, really tempting to be petty, even though I know it's just a reaction to being hurt, and I don't like that this situation is bringing out such a bad side of me.


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Re: Ending a friendship? - February 21st 2016, 07:37 PM

In that case, it might help for you to write a letter out to him and then destroy it. Or at the very least, write down everything you're angry about and then find a way to get rid of it. I wouldn't recommend reading over it again because that could cause more anger, but burning the letter or ripping it into tiny pieces might be therapeutic for you.


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Re: Ending a friendship? - February 22nd 2016, 08:24 AM

Up until a couple of days ago I was actually going to write a letter to get my feelings out, but then he contacted me to try to "resolve things" (by which I think he means he wants me to just ignore what happened or maybe even forgive him - despite the fact that he still hasn't apologised or accepted responsibility). And, strangely, that gave me the closure I needed. I think I'm okay with the situation now, so this thread can be closed. Thank you again for your responses.


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'cause she's slain the gods before.
   
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Re: Ending a friendship? - February 22nd 2016, 04:35 PM

I'm going to go ahead and close this at your request. Let me know if you'd like it reopened.


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The mountains are calling and I must go.
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Move the body, quiet the mind
   
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