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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Jess~ Offline
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Angry long story short, it's a long story - April 12th 2016, 06:40 AM

i've tried telling people about this in the past, but i was never able to explain it to the full, horrible extent that it really is. a lot of people told me this was "normal family arguments" or just "sibling rivalry" but no..
now i finally have the entire picture of what this has been leading up to and how it has been destroying me over the years.
bear with me, this could get long.

i have two brothers -- one, the youngest, is a complete and utter asshole to me and those around him (i'll be calling him "Prick"). the other is younger, but closer to my age, and we're chill.

WHAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING
over the past 5 years, this Prick has been calling me "fat" and "ugly" and every little thing in between. now, if he was just making blind, stupid statements like that, i could probably get over it. it'd annoy me and frustrate me, but i'd be able to block it out.
but no, this fucking repulsive excuse for a child has pointed out every damn flaw on me.
here are some examples..

rather than just say "you're ugly", he'll constantly say things like
"you're so fucking ugly, your nose is way too fat for your fatass potato-head, you have too many moles... or are those pimples? i can't tell."
*when i'm running on the treadmill, exercising, or making a point of eating healthy* "wow, you're so fat. who would ever even want to touch you? look at the way your fatass stomach jiggles when you run."
*once he learned the stereotype that 'white girls don't have asses', man, i've never heard the end of it.)* "how is it that the fattest girl in the world has the flattest ass? and i've seen boys with bigger boobs than you."
*when my family found out that i had been dating a black guy, i've never heard the end of that either. apparently that was a crime.*
"hey look, a black guy. bet you wanna get with him, huh. too bad you're too ugly for him. you're too ugly for anyone. you know black guys only like girls with big asses, right?"

at dinner today, my brothers were playing a game and my chill brother wanted me to play. so i played and we were just laughing like normal siblings. but all of a sudden, Prick OUT OF NOWHERE started going off on me.
"why don't you get a white guy for once? oh wait, that's right, you're too ugly and fat to get anyone. nobody will ever want to fuck you or even look at you. you're disgusting."
what hurts even worse when he says shit like that now is that it reminds me of getting raped last month and being sexually abused for several months before that. and i could tell him that, YEAH, actually someone really happened to want to get in my pants. and they did. but obviously i can't tell him that.
i did mention something though, like, "actually, i have gotten some before, so you're wrong."
and this little fucktard said, "it doesn't count if you pay them. yeah, i know how you like your black stripper dudes. no wonder you're broke, that's the only way you can see them shirtless."

i then just turned my back and finished eating my dinner, just trying to block out whatever else the little shit said.
but then he started throwing randomass crap at me and in my food.
so i slapped the Prick, and then he went bitching to my parents about it.

luckily, i think my dad understands what a fucking asshole his son is, because when he heard that i slapped him he said, "GOOD. i would slap you too if you threw stuff in my food."
however, even though my parents were on my side (which is very rare), all they did was give him the usual "stern talking to" and force him to say sorry to me.
and of course, usually after he says sorry he whispers, "..that you can't get a black guy" or "that you're so fucking ugly."
and of course, they never hear it.

every time he does something like this to me, he gets away with my mom just telling him "don't do that to your sister, that's very mean. now tell her you're sorry."

WHAT IT'S DONE TO ME
my parents went through my phone in november, and they found inappropriate pictures i'd taken and had been sending to some fuckboys. that was also when they found out i was dating my ex and that i had been doing bad things with him too.
they fLIPPED THEIR SHIT and grounded me indefinitely. i'm still grounded.

however, there were also pictures of my arms after i cut them on there.. (i'm obsessed with blood and i like to see how badly each cut scars, so i took pictures of it each time.)
they didn't say a word about those.
see, i don't think they can put two and two together.
i HATED myself and i STILL hate myself, my body, my looks, my personality.. everything.
all these years, i've truly felt that nobody would ever love me or even want me around.
that i'm too gross and ugly and fatass for anyone to even consider loving me.

do you know how good it felt to see those strangers calling me words i had almost never been called?
they said i was beautiful, sexy, gorgeous, perfect, etc....
even though it was a temporary high, it made me see my body in a different light. that maybe i wasn't the revolting pig i always heard i was.

that's also why i got with, and STAYED, with my extremely abusive ex boyfriend.
even after i got in trouble for being with him, and we broke up and stayed FWB.
it wasn't like i was dying to be forced to give him oral everyday.
no, that fucking sucked. i hated it.

but i stayed because he made me feel like i was wanted.
i knew he desired me, or else he never would've pursued me based only on my looks.
and he hit me and sexually abused me and even raped me and i STILL considered just "forgiving" him and going back to our same old routine.

because my self-esteem is so utterly fucked up and scarred from the constant negative comments i've been tortured with and surrounded by over the years.
being with my abusive ex boyfriend was the only form of "love" i felt in a long time.

of course i can't put all the blame on them, because i should've known better.
but still, if i hadn't hated myself so much in the first place, i wouldn't have ever even seeked out that type of attention.

there was a time where i would go to school every day and get bullied there, then come home -- to a place that should mean comfort and safety -- and just get bullied even more and even worse.
do you know what it's like to, not only feel you have no escape, but to literally have no where else to run to?


i don't know what i'm supposed to do
haunted by the ghost of you

Last edited by Jess~; April 13th 2016 at 07:20 AM.
   
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Re: long story short, it's a long story - April 14th 2016, 03:00 AM

Hey there,

I had a brother that was really mean to me and would make comments about my weight and he used to hit me. I got away from him after he moved out but that took years. So, I can relate to not feeling like you have a safe place to go.

I think you need to try and talk to your parents about this and let them know how much this is affecting you. He shouldn't be allowed to continue to do this to you without any type of reprimand.

You deserve to feel safe in your own home and your parents are the ones who are responsible for that safety.


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Re: long story short, it's a long story - April 14th 2016, 04:53 AM

I'm really sorry to hear about how your brother has treated you. You don't deserve to be treated like that.

If you don't want to talk to anyone about this, I think it might be best for you to figure out how to work on what you're going through. Bear in mind that while it is hard to heal with toxic people around, improvement is possible.

You said you're struggling with self-harm and that's one thing you can work on if you're feeling up to it. You can look for different alternatives, or try to make your own coping skills like a calming jar or a stress ball. I know we've talked about your self-harm in another thread, so I won't get too much into it, but I think you can benefit if you find some things to help you avoid self-harm or at least put it off as long as you're able to.

I think you would benefit from working on your self-esteem. Maybe you can make some small gestures, like putting positive words and affirmations around your mirror, or on the side of the nightstand so you see it when you get up in the morning.

You could work on re-framing your thoughts, and on telling yourself positive things about yourself even if you don't believe in them right away. Repeating things like that to yourself over and over again tends to help after a while. Keeping up with it can be difficult but it's worth a shot. You can even look in the mirror while you say positive things out loud to see if that helps.

I know you can't always avoid toxic family but you can try to avoid unhealthy people outside of your home, like at school or other places and surround yourself with healthier people instead. You could do things after school so you can stay out of the house longer and you can try to create a safe place so you have a place to yourself even if you're feeling unsafe in your home.

I think it would help if you took time out of your day to do something for yourself. Even if it's small because it's important to take care of yourself.


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